[kim_johnson]

Posting is hard.
I struggle with integrating various aspects of myself.
Message boards encourage me to stay fragmented.
Post a little of myself over here...
Post a little of myself over there...
And never the twain shall meet.
The professional and patient aspects, most notably.
But integrating those is what I most need to move on.
And here is not the place...
And there is not the place...
And there isn't really a place for me - for ALL of me,
And there it is.

I think that sometimes people get scared to look at various things.
They think that if things turn out one way, then all is okay.
But if things turn out the other way, then all is not okay.
People don't see a way to synthesize the thesis and antithesis
So they do what they can to shut the thesis and antithesis down.

Out of fear.

But to avoid the issue, to avert ones gaze, is to continue to live in fear.
There is a lot of fear of integration (failing to see a way to synthesize) methinks.
I know this has been a major painful and disruptive force in my life.
When someone points out a synthesis I didn't see...
Now that is insightful.
But hard, so hard, so hard...
And here or there isn't the place.

And so it is time for me to move on.
For my own mental health.
For my own professional health.
I am confident there is a way to integrate.
But I'm sure the answer isn't to be found
Here
or
There
And there it is.

[kim_johnson]

I love my therapist, quite simply.
I'm thinking to myself 'I wonder if he has a younger brother?'
You know, someone just like him
Who isn't my therapist...
Who isn't married...
Etc etc etc.

I quite simply love my therapist.

I'm sure part of it is transference.
The unique place he has in my life.
I share some of the things I'm most vulnerable about
And the more vulnerable I am...
The more sensitive and attuned and tender he becomes.
Who wouldn't fall for that?
I'm sure part of it transcends transference.
The ethical human being that he is.
He sees me for a low fee because I can't afford anymore.
He sees me at a strange time because it is hard for me to make a time.
He cares about world peace (google tells me so).
In many respects he is a deeply ethical human being.

For me, boundaries slide in therapy.
I'm like Dinah, I'm exquisitly sensitive to his tone and his presence.
I would never be able to work with a person who wasn't psychologically healthy.
I've tried with many, but that never worked out for me.
I think they could do very fine work with other people,
But not with me. Not with me.
My therapist was distracted today.
I saw his previous patient and she was flustered when she left.
Must have been an intense session.
And then there was me.
And he smirked at me, I swear, he did.
Then he moved positions and put his hand over his mouth to mask it.
And I commented. That he had shifted. That he had smiled.
And he said he wasn't aware of it...

And I realized that whether he smiled or not was besides the point.
What mattered was that I interpreted a smile and that that made it important to me...
And part of me found it amusing...
And wanted me to lighten up.
And maybe it was him and maybe it was me
And the boundaries merge for me.

So I need him to keep them distinct.

I need a person who has good boundaries.

And not many people do.

I need a person who is secure enough in themselves not to take my comments and / or my acting out personally.

And not many people can do that.

Not many people who are psychologically healthy
Not many people who aren't
And there it is.

And there it is.

[pachyderm]

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
kim_johnson said:
But to avoid the issue, to avert ones gaze, is to continue to live in fear.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That's a problem for me. I try to get out from under that. But looking dead on is scary too, but it has greater rewards than averting one's eyes. I have to keep telling myself that...

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I'm sure part of it transcends transference.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I think you're right.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Who wouldn't fall for that?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Yep.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
And maybe it was him and maybe it was me
And the boundaries merge for me.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I have been there too. When it happens, it is almost wondrous. Then we are back to ourselves, separate (and that's OK too). I like to keep it in my pocket, a remarkable thing to take out and recall from time to time--like remembering one of the 7 wonders of the world you had the great fortune to visit one time.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Posting is hard

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

[Slippers]

Kim - I'm really glad you are posting here - in bits and pieces, in big ole wads and piles, or in a fine mist. Whatever you need. :-)

Fuzzy Slippers

[Mouse_]

Kim, Yes I agree with your take. By the way you have the same writing style as someone else that posted here until recently.

[kim_johnson]

Thanks Slippers. I appreciate you a great deal. Thanks Mouse. When things like that happen, there is typically a reason. I'm trying to retain anonymity / confidentiality. Guess that comes in degrees... Missed you guys.

[pegasus]

Welcome back!

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
kim_johnson said:
Missed you guys.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">likewise

[foreverlost]

I'm not in on what happened kim, but I could tell by your responses you're not a newby. I already appreciate having you here!