dont get me wrong... i am so excited to see him my tummy is doing a dance (ick)

but i am concerned.

i have to cut back how much i see him for financial reasons... so that is one thing...

but... i am reluctant to go back at all.. yes, despite my excitment. Am i afraid or not wanting treatment, etc? No. i'm not feeling afraid of him... nervous maybe but not afraid in a way which would make me not go. This isnt a typical dont-want-to-go thing.

i am afraid of the dependency. If i could do this and not be consumed by that need... i want to see him.. i dont want to need him so much. i'm so attached that i am scared to even post this... i cant explain that part

sadly... for me to make deep change i think the dependency is part of it. It's flypaper... it needs to happen, but it's so powerful that i can't focus on getting better.

i've been limping along through these past three weeks (eek!) and yeah, i do need his help.. i'm ok with that part.. but in the three weeks i also had to just cope somehow. i'm still doing that in the old familiar ways because that is what i know how to do... no, i'm not all recovered and better yet. The larger things i wanted from therapy have only just recently gotten attention (due to the previous issues hogging the show). So, i know that without therapy i am going to continue to mess up my life... choose abusive partners and just plain not understand the basics of decent treatment at the hands of another.

but... there is a certain amount of power in standing on my own... even if i am standing crooked.

anyone have any idea how to do this? how can i continue therapy and be able to maintain myself... not become so desperate and needy? i always knew there was a deep well of need and pain there, but i never knew how bad it was until i started with this T... once opened it overwhelmed me

[Kiya]

Hon, it sounds like one of those things that you already know within you- you just don't know that you know it yet (or won't let yourself). And time, like always....

((((((((((((((Fluff!!)))))))))))))))

[Rapunzel]

That's really a tough one, and I don't know what would help. Maybe if you try to plan out what you still need to work on and prioritize it, it would help to keep you focused. Then you can keep track of your progress. You could also ask for homework you can do on your own so you don't actually have to spend less time working on therapy, just do more independently. Would it help you to think of it that way?

((((((((((((((((((( fluff ))))))))))))))))))

Wow, that is JUST how I was feeling after a recent break with my T. Exactly. And as much as I love him, and know that I need the therapy, it felt SO good to have that taste of NOT needing him for a little while.

So, I did what we all always tell each other to do. I went to therapy and told him exactly how I was feeling And it was my best therapy session ever.

It's hard to go back. But you know what you need to do.