passive dependency

i think im making my boyfriend dependent. the worst part is that i dont know how to stop it now. seems like its too far gone to do without therapy.

he has never really been in relationships with girls and has had a few flings but never anything serious until me. he has had his close group of friends but is fine by himself. he has a very deep rooted sense of insecurity that requires him to constantly say "i love you" hoping for reassurance. I made it apparent to him that his insecurity was driving me nuts and he has learned a little bit from it and doesn't say it as much now for reassurance which is a nice break.

but ive noticed that he has become dependent on me for things dealing with school. im afraid that he wont do something from sheer lack of motivation so i just do it for him. i never thought of it as anything more than trying to get things done but now im worried that im coddling him and making it easier for him to be dependent on me for things like that. i brought it up to him that im not his mother and that i shouldnt have to constantly nag him to do things and for a bit it seems like he's really getting into it then boom - back to no motivation.

i want to be able to sit back and say "well im not doing it for you." and then if he doesnt do it just let it be a lesson. but i feel like if i let him slip past the deadline for things, not only does it affect him but it affects me too. if im not on him for applying to school for fall semester and he misses the chance, i will have to pay the price for his laziness. so i feel attached to his projects as well.

i dont really view myself as being dependent on relationships because i have always been very independent and know that i will get through anything. but i dont feel like he has that same feeling. im not confident in knowing that, if something were to happen and we broke up, that he would be okay. I learned the hard way with an ex that he was like that and when I broke up with him he moved back in with his mom, bawling his eyes out and to this day has not dated another girl (this was 4 years ago).

a few months ago i brought up living in separate apartments for 6 months or so. he went from living with his parents, to his college house to my apartment. i, on the other hand, have had several months of living on my own, being single and experiencing things and it taught me a lot about myself. i dont want to continue this pattern and have him turn into some crazy dependent guy that can't even cook his own dinner. but at the same time, we live together.... going to school we cant really afford to live separate and it is much cheaper just to live in the same apartment together.

i dont know if spending some alone time just in separate rooms would do anything. i want him to have some kind of guy's night out because i have to have my alone time but it seems like hes okay with being attached at the hip. does anyone think that i can wean him off of me? its not so bad to the point where he can't do anything on his own. im scared that it will get there, thats why im asking now so we can prevent it.

also, he doesnt have insurance and therefore, cant go to see a therapist. im not sure if my therapist would allow us to go, kind of like a couples therapy, but only charge it to my bill? im not sure how cool some psychs. are with that. any ideas?

Salukigirl,

I understand the pain your boyfriend suffers from. I was very codependent on two of my friends a couple of years ago. It is not something that can be worked through overnight, because, as you stated he suffers from this, "a very deep rooted sense of insecurity" is often underneath the dependency, as I found out with myself. As my self-esteem has built up, the codependency has gone down. There have been many ups and downs, but it can be worked out.

I would definitely ask your therapist if you could do a "couples" therapy. If you tell them some of the situation, it may help, since coependency on one side has to be tackled by both the codependant and the... 'dependee' (I think the word is enforcer, but I am definitely not sure about that, so we'll use the other word ) I'm sure one of the things that will get brought up is his self-esteem issues. That has to be worked on, but only you two and your therapist can figure out how to approach that.

Also, do be a little careful. Codependency on someone you love, are in love with, are have an extreme crush on (the last one is my experience, and an unrequited on at that), can be EXTREMELY painful and difficult. It took me almost 3 years to get over the major codependency I had on one of my best friends, Steve (who I also had a huge crush on, which made it very difficult). But know, we're just extremely good friends, and the codependency's not at the forefront anymore (now it's just physical depression :P)

Let us know how else I can help, okay?

,
l_r

thanks. sounds like you hit the nail right on the head. he used to be really bad about it. he will go into this depression randomly about how he is worthless. he is going back to school in the fall and i think that will help a lot because one of his biggest things is that he has a degree but not in something he loves so he feels useless. im hoping that going back to school and doing better this time around will boost up his self esteem.

i used to be the same way because my last relationship consisted of absolutely no attention, hitting, cheating... the works. so when i met my current boyfriend i clung like no other. but now after 2 years i have gotten past that and he hasn't so now were working on him. it does feel good that even though this is a big problem i dont want to leave and i thought that would be some good reassurance for him but i guess not.

thanks again for responding and ill let you know if my T says its okay to bring him a time or 2.

I'm glad I could help! ^_^ Let me know how everything goes!