[lauren_helene]

***trigger*** mention SI

My husband and I started couples counseling about a month ago with a female T who does marriage therapy.

My husband likes her which is good because he is therapy averse. We're making some progress but oddly this is affecting my individual therapy with T.

Part of that is because I have competing issues like trying to establish an identity individually and then working to repair an identity or role I already have with my marriage.

The two conflict trust me.

The confusing part is T...he has switched his stance on my marriage all of the sudden. Now I have a great guy versus two years of talking about how my husband doesn't "get me".

Part of my issues involve sexual orientation which is fine because my T specializes in that.

I feel like my T has taken a hard right on me and now I don't feel like I can work on some of the stuff we were talking about with him. He made me feel bad about a few things too and that wasn't fair either.

I'm wondering if he is worried that some of my acting out between sessions will come out in couples counseling and he'll be blamed. Of course that would be silly to think because I make my own decisions.

I'm guessing here but all of the sudden this switch went off and it is making me feel more trapped than I already did.

I don't know, lately T and I are a mess...I'm considering giving up the couples counseling because perhaps I should find out who I am before couples stuff.

I am so confused!! Anyway, by the end of my session, I was upset because I wanted to talk about my SI feelings that I wrote about and I ended up kind of blurting it out at the end.

T's advice was be grateful for my great husband, child (well that is true), we both have good jobs and a nice house.

WHAT?? Someone please help me figure this one out!!!

[sunrise]

Hi lauren_helene. That is good your H likes your couples therapist. Do you like her? Are you finding the counseling helpful?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
The confusing part is T...he has switched his stance on my marriage all of the sudden. Now I have a great guy versus two years of talking about how my husband doesn't "get me".

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Why don't you asked him why he changed his mind? That must be very confusing for you. In any case, you are the expert on your own marriage, not T, so if you think your husband doesn't get you, there is probably something to it. And maybe your H is a "great guy", but still not the right guy for you. You know what I mean?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I'm wondering if he is worried that some of my acting out between sessions will come out in couples counseling and he'll be blamed. Of course that would be silly to think because I make my own decisions.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I doubt he would be blamed for that. That's dysfunctional behavior he is probably trying to help you with so he wouldn't be "blamed" for it. Are you working on that in therapy?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I'm guessing here but all of the sudden this switch went off and it is making me feel more trapped than I already did.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">It sounds like the empathy and understanding you used to get from your T on the marriage issue is now gone. Does that make it seem like therapy is not a safe place to right now? That would be very hard.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
T's advice was be grateful for my great husband, child (well that is true), we both have good jobs and a nice house.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Hmmmm, that sounds a bit superficial. But maybe you can improve things in the marriage--understanding, communication, empathy, etc.--and things will be better. It is great to have a house and job, that's true. But it's not always enough to make a person happy.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I'm considering giving up the couples counseling because perhaps I should find out who I am before couples stuff.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">It is hard to make marriages wait when they are at a crisis point. Are you at a crisis? Things don't get better on their own. Plus you have your son to consider. I am sure you want a healthy marriage for his sake too. I hope you can keep up with the couples counseling.

I don't know what to say about your T. You often seem so at odds with him. I hope he can explain why he has suddenly switched his views on your H. If it is too hard to do both individual and couples therapy simultaneously, maybe it would be helpful to take a break from individual therapy and focus on the marriage counseling. Just for a while. It is such a positive thing that your H agreed to the couples therapy, it could be a real missed opportunity if you stop now. Because your H might not want to do it again (in 3 months? a year? 2 years?) if you quit now. On the other hand, if you know without a doubt that you want out of the marriage, I can see how you wouldn't want to continue....

Best of luck to you with this. Couples therapy is not for the faint of heart!

[lauren_helene]

Hi Sunny, yes T and I are at odds lately. Who knew? I will talk to T on Tuesday and I guess we'll have another weird ending session.

This really all started when I started couples counseling...this makes me wonder a bit. T wanted me to find another T for our marriage and now that I have...we've got a 180...

I think you are right about therapy not being a safe place right now. I really need to tell T I feel that way. I'm scared to do that.

I am in a bit of a crisis all by myself. I hated ending my session like that too. I feel so alone right now. Thanks for responding you always do!

[kim_johnson]

hey. is it possible... that your therapist hasn't changed his view at all, it is more that you are afraid that he has changed his view because before he only had access to your take but now he access to your husbands take as well? i just mean that... therapists aren't supposed to take sides. they are supposed to accept what is said with an air of critical neutrality. basically... remaining neutral on whether external events are or aren't as the patient says... just focusing on the patients feelings and interpretations etc AS the patients feelings and interpretations etc.

i think that i would have trouble seeing a person for both couples therapy and individual therapy. i would have trouble getting beyond a concern that they were taking sides and i would have trouble thinking that the therapist wasn't taking enough account of my perspective.

if the therapist is working out well as a couples councellor... then could you find another therapist for individual therapy? or could you talk to your therapist about your concerns for individual therapy?

i'm not sure that the strategy should be to firstly sort yourself out and then to secondly sort out your relationship. part of what we are (perhaps the biggest part) is sorted out in relation to others. i think both lines of attack are legitimately and equally valid...

[PsyChris]

Interesting.

Remember that your therapist is their to guide you toward healing. If you start attending marriage counseling and make a turn toward the better your T will turn with you.

I think you should talk to your therapist about this and clear it up.