Trigger applied for talking about self-injury

Oh goodness. Before anyone jumps in and says this is mean and cruel of my T, please be advised-- I fully agreed to this and was involved in the planning.

I skillfully glanced at the clock when I felt that the session was coming to an end. Yes, I was right-- five minutes left! It was the perfect time to bring up self-injury.

T decided that it was time to take action. We have spent many hours discussing my SI-- in terms of the causes, meanings, significance, etc. We don't talk about stopping because the rule is-- I'll stop when I'm ready, I don't want to hear your suggestions, I would prefer to just keep SI'ing for now.

However, a long theme with my SI is that it has been largely ignored by those around me. As a result, I tend to downplay it, while at the same time, screaming for help inside.

T said, "I am going to propose a deal. You pick a number to limit your cutting. If you cannot limit your cutting to this number, then you will not be allowed your second session for the week." I immediately started laughing and snorting because I didn't believe him. I said, "Yeah, ok... what are you going to do? Kick me out if I come in and tell you that I have exceeded the limit?" T said, "If you come in and tell me you have exceeded the limit, I will tell you that you have to go. I will not charge you for the session." Then he told me that my other option was to call him beforehand and let him know that I could not keep my part of the deal and that I wouldn't be coming in. Laughter stopped. Random, nervous giggles punctuated the silence. "Oh, you're serious?" I asked. "I'm serious," T said. "Wow," I told him. "You can be a real %#@&#! when you want to!" He said, "Yeah, I know-- but this is your gift for bringing this up five minutes before the end of a session."

T and I both agreed that we knew that I would never lie to him about the number of times I cut. I have never lied to him. I never would. He knows this. I know this. I told him that it was impossible for me to pick a number of cuts for in-between sessions. For me, it could be 99 or 14-- it's all the same because it never feels like enough. In order to shut him up, I yelled, "Okay!! 23!" (I know it sounds like a high number, but I can get pretty out of control with my SI). Anyway, we decided it wouldn't be me so much about the exact number as it would be about my process during the times in which I need to SI. We agreed that I would try really hard to ground myself by connected to the moments in which I am in the office with him-- moments in which I feel safe and connected. The basis of this is to be able to think back and connect to the times in which I am able to tolerate overwhelming emotions without hurting myself.

At the very end of the session, we stood up and he held is hand out to me. He asked me to shake on this. He explained the parameters of the "deal" again and asked me, "Are you sure?" He told me that we would "try it out," but to remember that this would be ongoing. Not just a one week thing.

"Yes," I told him. "I am sure." I put my hand into his, which he was holding out for a good 30 seconds by that point. He held my hand.

As I was walking out of the waiting room, I said to him, "Well?" He answered, "Yes."

This was me asking him if for reassurance to call and email him before our next session. I don't need to say anything besides, "well?" because he know exactly what I am going to say.

I trust my T. At this point, I need some sort of behavioral intervention. Insight will only get you so far (or nowhere at all) with stopping a behavior. He told me that my self-injury will no longer be ignored, or go without acknowledgement. We are doing this together to help me with this terrible addiction that has taken hold of me.

<font color="purple">Hey now, if it works for you and is helpful then I say go for it! I'm glad that a very serious issue such as SI is not being swept under the rug anymore. </font>

[chaotic13]

I hope it works for you Pink. You deserve to have someone who cares enough not to let you ignore this addiction. I hope that when you reach your breaking point and are in danger of cutting you will remember that he WANTS to see you 2 times a week for the next 50 years.

[sunrise]

I think this is a great strategy, pinksoil, and I am so glad you and T are actively working on this issue. So this week it is 23, maybe next week 22, and so on. And soon it should be gone. You can do it. Your T is with you.

(I thought of a similar strategy for myself once, although T wasn't in on it. I thought I would stop seeing T until I lost 25 pounds, and getting to see him again would be my reward. But I never did it, or haven't yet!)

[Christina86]

((((((((pinksoil)))))))))))))

Hey, if it helps you at all... I'm happy that your T is there to support you. He sounds really nice from everything you've said about him.

[ECHOES]

At first this sounded so punitive. But it's a partnership and I'm glad he's right there with you. I think this is another way your T shows he cares about you

((((Pinksoil))))),
You're so courageous. I know you can do this, as does your T I love the fact that this was your parting gift for a doorknob confession, LOL Yeah, my insight has gotten me nowhere. Take care of yourself!

I just wrote him a long email in an effort to process some of the things that we discussed today. In the email, I called him Monte Hall.

[ECHOES]

LOL. Makes me curious now what was behind the other doors

darn I'm jealous you can email him. (echoes pouts)

does he have ANY flaws?! sheesh

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
ECHOES said:

does he have ANY flaws?! sheesh

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yeah, he's an %#@&#!!!!

I mentioned that in the original post. LOL.

[ECHOES]

LOL LOL

my bad

[Simcha]

Hi Pinksoil,

I think your T is a good T, and this is a good deal to have made with him.

You can do it; your T wouldn't have made the deal with you if he didn't think that you could.

[Kiya]

Pink - all i can say is WOW.

[(JD)]

Good wishes on this pink! I, too, know you can accomplish this goal, but it won't be easy. Take it one time at a time, you know? Give yourself those positive words, even though you don't believe them, that you don't need to harm yourself for any reason... you're worth the effort to take care of yourself... and depending upon whether you do this to get away or to feel, or to punish etc... create other affirmations to remind yourself with...

Proud of you pink!

I love your T, pinksoil I think it's awesome that he made that deal with you.

I'm trying to picture myself in the same situation, and I'm wondering if I would have to "test" him (even not on a conscious level) to see if he's serious?

Good luck to you on this next step in your journey.

hey baby cakes... you can do this, i know you can... i remember that conversation we had recently, what you said about needing that acknoledgement. i hope this deal with T gives you what you need to make the leap.

much love to you and ash

[splitimage]

Pinksoil,

I just wanted to say good luck. I know how hard it is to stop si'ing and this will be an added incentive for you. My advice is to deal with it like any other addiction and treat it one day at a time or if you have to one minute at a time. Stopping forever can seem overwhelming, but if you can promise yourself that you're not going to si, just for today, it's much more manageable.

[Perna]

I'd be curious how much you end up doing; if you let the number control you so you do 22 or 23 but no more or if you still do a "random" number like 14 even though you're "allowed" 23.

But, do you get to choose a different number each week or will it always be 23 for the length of this experiment?

[krazibean]

i don't even think the number of times you do it is important. as long as you feel the desire to SI and follow through with it, whether it be 1 or 100. and also im confused as to how you would count while your doing it... correct me if i'm wrong but if you are SI'ing arent you thinking about other things and not going... ok 1...2...theres 3...?

[krazibean]

or is it the number of times altogether?

[MissCharlotte]

Pink,

I've held out on a response because this deal makes me nervous! LOL

OMG I don't think I could handle it. However, I do think you can. I also think that your T is so thoughtful and it is obvious that he really cares and is wiling to keep trying different ways to help you stop si'ing.

[chaotic13]

I say -- Don't analyze it, be grateful someone cares about you. Don't worry and focus on the deal details or if you ultimately succeed or fail.

I think the message he was conveying in this deal is the most important thing to focus on Pinksoil. To me he is telling you that he accepts who you and the things that you do. However he cares for you too much to let you to continue to avoid addressing this issue. Instead of telling you simply "don't do it!" he is trying to explore ways to help you diminish/extinguish this behavior.

Pinksoil I don't know what goes though your mind as you begin to actually cut. I would try to remember his caring and how much better it would feel to be chatting with him during your second session this week.

Good luck Pink.

[lauren_helene]

I think you handled that great Pink...a year ago, you would've threw something at him...giggle.

I'm not laughing at you just trying to inject some humor

You can do this.