[MissCharlotte]

I walked into therapy this evening and said "Guess what?" T looked up at the ceiling as if to say, "Now what?"

I said to him (rather loudly) " I didn't call you!" Then I go, " I don't know if you noticed but I did, and I was able to hold onto you and us and myself over a weekend with my sister." Then I also told him about how I attended the SI support chat and made a list of things I can do instead of cutting.

I told him about how I thought that maybe sometimes when I feel invisible that I am afraid that he loses sight of me too and that I cease to exist. I literally am lost at times and can't find myself. T explained that (psychologically speaking) babies only exist in their mother's presence and reflection. So, a baby finds herself when her mother cooes, and smiles and holds and nurtures. I didn't get enough of that when I was a baby. My mother was "absent."

I wonder if (almost two years) is a record for finally internalizing your therapist. Umm, probbaly not. I feel perfectly normal and average.

So, later on in the session (when he was most definitely pushing) I said to T, "Are you trying to %#@&#! me off?" because I am not taking it, I am strong tonight! He laughed.

I am enjoying my existence. Don't know or care if it will last. T said not to worry about what to do with it, just to notice it. Sigh. He is wonderful.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Miss C ))))))))))))))))))))))))

There is nothing better than being able to hold on to T between sessions like that. It gives me a sense of security and safety that I've never had before when I'm able to do it.

It made me so happy to read your post and hear how good you're feeling. You deserve it!

[chaotic13]

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Miss C said:
T said not to worry about what to do with it, just to notice it. </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

This is a great concept. Difficult to do in practice though.

I'm glad your feeling good.