Invisibility

When I was a little child I became invisible. The invisibility was both self and externally imposed. The self imposed invisibility was a self protective mechanism designed to shield me from the pain of abuse and the loneliness of neglect. I would often go into my own little world of fantasy. It was such a nice place. The externally imposed invisibility came from massive invalidation of being, from my mother, siblings, and other family members.

As an adult I know that my power is in being visible but I find that it is so painful to be seen at times. Yesterday, T asked me if I wanted to be visible. It was such a thought provoking question because in my heart I knew that often the answer is no. Making myself invisible is a habitual pattern that doesn't really serve the best needs of the adult self. I asked T why we had to be visible and he said that we are neurologically wired as social beings and we need to attach because we find ourselves through relationships with others. I think at that moment I was the little girl me saying, "why?"

I know I am very attached to T. I cannot fathom, yet know it is inevitable, that this too will end. Why?

I'm not sure if counts as making myself invisible, but my T told me last session that I consistently seem to view that I want or feel doesn't matter. Apparently even when I do acknowledge that I feel or felt something, I immediately either view it negatively and dismiss it or judge it as being unimportant. She was asking me why and when did this habitual pattern start. I had no answers.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
he said that we are neurologically wired as social beings and we need to attach because we find ourselves through relationships with others.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I guess this explains why I feel so lost at the moment

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
MissCharlotte said:

we need to attach because we find ourselves through relationships with others. I think at that moment I was the little girl me saying, "why?"



</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yes I get this.

I put high value on being invisible. Even though I have friends, etc., in general, in the world at large, I don't want to be "noticed". T and I have talked about this.

Last week I painted a box to leave in T's office as a symbolic "container" for the overwhelming feelings I have outside of therapy. After much discussion, T put it on his desk. The box just looks like ME to me - it has a mandala on each side, and I painted it in colors that I find soothing. When he put it there, he told me "you know, people will notice that box. How do you feel about that?". I really don't know how I feel. I guess for me, it's almost like practice in being "noticed". Baby steps.

I'm so glad you're so attached to T. I know that's where the healing comes from.

(((((((((((((((((((( Miss C ))))))))))))))))))))))

yes. to all of that -in all the posts. it is hard to be visible and accept the whole social aspect when our lives didn't allow for that.
baby steps is right.
my md yesterday said that we all have healthy places in us as well as unhealthy places - and those of us who have had these kinds of backgrounds (like my md, too) she said will always have that unhealthy place in us. but we can go into the healthy place and make descisions from there.

((((((((((((((Miss))))))))))))

I think I have always had a fantasy that I could be truly invisible. In the TV show, Heroes, each character has a super power, and I thought once, which would I like to have, the ability to fly, walk through walls, heal one's wounds, be invisible, etc.? Invisible is my top choice.

I understand though that without visibilty, there can be no connection. It's a struggle between these two impulses.

You can take steps to make yourself visible to yourself, and then gradually more visible to other people that you choose.

Thanks all for your perceptive responses.

Sunny, I JUST told T that I identified with Sue Storm of the Fantastic Four because she could make herself invisible!

I do think making myself visible to myself has been a big part of the process Pachy.

I can really relate, Miss Charlotte. Invisibility is a big marker for me, one that I still don't completely understand. When I get scared and start to dissociate, I feel invisible and it feels safer. Sometimes, though, in social situations I will feel overlooked and then invisible and it feels not safe at all.

I think you are right that being seen is a big task and, perhaps as your T suggested, one of the goals of therapy. When we can tolerate being seen by those close to us, we can also tolerate seeing ourselves completely.

this is so interesting... i went in the opposite direction.. and it has its own advantages and disadvantages. i became louder... larger than life in a way. i just put my head down and plowed through. It was my protection too. It was an in-your-face response. Intimidate them before they got to you. It's false of course... a shell with a timid little girl inside.

It has gotten me places at times.. but it also makes me so conspicuous. i tend to draw fire from people because i am a visible target. People project all kinds of crap on me. Instead of blending in.. i'm like dressed in hunter orange. If something goes wrong.. if i say the wrong thing.. or whatever.. it's very public.. i'm under scrutiny. It gets to be a burden.

sometimes i long to be invisible... to just be able to hide.

OTOH.. it means a lot of people just dont %#@&#! with me... people who might hurt me stay away.

I believe we may be social, but we have different levels of interest and tolerance for social.

I was pushed and pushed and pushed to be social as a kid. I hated it and I've told T to please do not do that with me. We already had talked about how I am a homebody. I have many interests and I can go out and interract but I like my solitude and I'm so thankful that T accepts that part of me.

I sometimes picture life as like theater. Some are content to be in the audience; some want to dance, some want to act, some want to direct,some want the spotlight on them at all times, some prefer drama, others comedy. I would like to be off-stage--involved behind the scenes but contributing meaningfully.

Although I know I enjoy and need and treasure solitude, I also know I've turned it into isolation, a whole' nother ballgame. And that is what I need to work on. To have people in my life, to have balance, so that the solitude is a meaningful time of being with myself and a time of reflection. So that it's solitude and not an avoidance of fears and things.

Anyway that's one way I think about invisibility with me.

I really like how you said that - it puts it in a new perspective for me on how to possibly deal with the isolation. I'd also never thought to tell t to please stop pushing me into social situations (as did my parents). Gives me new things to work with. thanks.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
ECHOES said:

I sometimes picture life as like theater. Some are content to be in the audience; some want to dance, some want to act, some want to direct,some want the spotlight on them at all times, some prefer drama, others comedy. I would like to be off-stage--involved behind the scenes but contributing meaningfully.


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Wonderfull imagery ECHOES...You took it beyond Shakespear....

Lenny

I know what you mean about solitude. I sometimes still mention to T that I feel I still prefer a quiter life and will never be a real "outdoors" kind of person, to which T replied "as long as that is a choice", I am still unsure if its a defense mechisim or free choice, I guess time will tell.