I gave details

chaotic, when is your next session? I remember at one time you were going every 2-3 weeks. When I was doing trauma work, I felt it really helpful to go every week. I needed the support. Hope you can get what you need.

(Is T more responsive to your phone calls than to emails?)

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chaotic13 said:

Thank everyone for tolerating my rants.

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I'm really, really glad that you're typing it out so you can reread it and get a different perspective on it. And so we can give you lots of hugs and support when you're feeling so down on yourself.

Hang in there.

Thank you so much everyone for your support during this time. I was so conflicted especially after reading all of your comments and my replies. On Friday I closed my computer disconnected my phone and spent the weekend away with my family. I return this evening to find more support and encouragement. Thank you for showing compassion for me that I seem so unable to give myself.

Although I am still struggling, the change of pace this weekend helped me ground myself a bit and take comfort in the fact that I still have a pulse. Most of my comments on this thread have presented my darker side. The part of me that is for whatever reason hateful, resentful, and lacks compassion. I wanted to post today about an experience my son gave me this weekend.

We had a busy weekend camping and my kids were running wild from dawn to well past nightfall. Last night my youngest (9 yr) was completely exhausted. In his fatigue he had become very sad. He knew the trip was almost over and he didn't want the fun to end. He slumped down next to me in our little cabin and started to quietly sob. Knowing that he was just exhausted, I suggested that he lay down, relax, and let me rub his back for a while. He looked and me and said, "Thanks mom, can you scratch it too?" He laid down and drifted off to sleep as I scratched his back. It was such a simple thing, but he gave me exactly what I needed most at that moment.

I felt really good caring for my son. I felt like l was being a good parent for a change. What struck me most deep was that I had raised a child who (at this point) could accept my unconditional love without feeling guilty and undeserving of it. I felt like I had done at least something right. He trusted me completely enough to drift off to sleep knowing that there were no strings attached, that he was safe, and that I would not allow harm to come to him.

But I couldn't help thinking, when was the last time I felt so loved and comfortable with someone (and myself) to allow myself to be cared for like this? Sadly, I couldn't remember a single time. Maybe this is because it never happened. Or maybe I just don't remember it. Maybe as a child I didn't think being cared for was something so special, unusual, or worth making a mental note of. Maybe as kids we just don't yet know that being love and cared for is only temporary and that one day we will really need these memories.

All I know today is that I hopefully gave my son a memory to recall when he is feeling lonely and uncared for. A part of me hopes that I provide him with so many of these little moments that he will not consider them unusual or benchmark memories. I hope he will never be in a situation where he will ever think to ask himself if he was ever deserving of someone's unconditional love and care.

I think last night a found a little piece of peace.