[ECHOES]

Too often I avoid and withdraw and I can't find my way out even when I want to. Alone it isn't so bad, but in session it is miserable.

It was like that last night. Nothing went right, recent anger with her crept in, her vacation is coming up even though it's only a week. I felt like I was literally moving away from her gradually and slowly through the session. Words wouldn't come. Everything she said sounded mocking or negative in some way; I knew it was me doing that but it didn't help. I was able to tell her I felt intimidated but I was not able to elaborate on much of anything. What a zero I am.

(((((((((((((((((((((((( echoes ))))))))))))))))))))))

You're NOT a zero. Not at all.

I just sent my T an e-mail complaining about how I keep putting up the same walls over and over again with him - and we keep working to tear them down, and then at the slightest bump in the road, WHAM, up go the walls.

I really think it has to do with how we were treated in the past....and there is still some part of us that keeps saying "hey! are you really, REALLY sure you should trust this person?". I think it's probably something we have to experience over and over again as we unlearn whatever unhealthy things we've learned over the years.

Not to mention, T vacations are always traumatic. I see so many people on PC, myself included, who want to push T away before they leave for vacation. How can they abandon us if we abandon them FIRST?!

You're not a zero, Echoes. I'm sorry your session was so hard.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((( Echoes )))))))))))))
You aren't a zero at all, you have insight
(I'm sure I'm not the only other person here who struggles/withdraws/messes up with therapists breaks )

[Fuzzybear]

[peaceonwards]

Sometimes it's difficult to articulate what we want to say in a session. For me, I'd look forward to an appointment (or dread it), and then once there, I'd draw a blank or be unable to say what I thought I wanted to ... or I would panic beforehand because I'd q'n what I had to talk about ...

I think what's important is that you try to take the pressure off of yourself and recognize that it is your therapist's job to help you ... you have to learn to cooperate but sometimes it's not there -- that's just the way it is. I don't like pressure, so it doesn't work to press or force me ...

On the other hand, we have to recognize that sometimes it takes time to find the right person for us to have therapy with ... don't despair if it doesn't all fall into place right away ....

Sometimes being stuck for words/feelings/emotions is where we are right now ... but we'll move from that.

[chaotic13]

(((Echoes)))
I hope you can take it easy on yourself. I hate when I allow stuff to creep in and ruin the session.

[MissCharlotte]

(((Echoes)))

I can't tell you how many times I have experienced this very thing you describe--the inability to connect, HUGE chunks of silence, coupled with hearing things differently from the way they were intended. It is a difficult thing to endure but alas, I have found it is part of the process. When T and I are on different planes (him saying something he thinks is helpful and me interpreting it as negative) it is excruciating. I have found that the only thing I can do in these situations is to keep coming back and trying to explain how his comments make me feel, because all feelings are valid. It is important to try to allow your experience to exist. Journal if you can remember and try to move those feelings through.

You know, another thing I have found is that sometimes .... T is the one who just doesn't "get it." And again, the only thing I can do is keep trying to help him get me or decide that the issue isn't that important after all, experiencing both the give and take in the relationship. As much as we love our T's they are human after all.

I recently said to T that there were two of us in the room and sometimes he is grouchy!

Therapy is such a difficult proposition--a command to sit down at a moment's notice and have a most intimate conversation--as if we can just plop ourselves down and spill our guts, with reflective insight. If you think about it, it's amazing that we can EVER have a connected session. Not being able to "do it" doesn't make you a zero--just someone who has difficulty connecting in that particular moment. Keep trying. It will come.

(((Echoes)))

[pachyderm]

> I recently said to T that there were two of us in the room...

Exactly.

Actually there are lots of people there all at the same time...

[Sannah]

Hi Echoes, I loved Charlotte's reply. I don't think that it is your personality. These difficulties aren't your personality. These difficulties are your difficulties. I think that you are born with your basic personality. Our difficulties come from an upbringing that wasn't good for us. You can work through these. Talking these out with your therapist will be very insightful for you.

(((((ECHOES))))),
I'm so sorry you're having a difficult time in therapy! My T is away now, also and it sucks. You are not alone as you know. We are all here to support each other. I don't have any words of wisdom that others above haven't shared, so just know that I care. Take care.

[Hope]

I, too am having a difficult time with my T. It helps me to read what you wrote and listen to the other posts. Together we can help each other through the hard times. I hope yours gets better soon, too. Be well. Keep posting.