[cafegrrrl]

I started seeing a counselor a month or so ago. Have probably had 3-5 sessions with her. I want to go. I don't like going. I think i'm almost like a guy when it comes to talking about stuff.

And, I want to talk. I just don't know HOW. I saw my counselor yesterday. And, she said that since I have a hard time with talking, I could write. Or share my journal with her, IF I choose to do so. She wasn't pushy about it at all. She was cool, in my opinion. She didn't even bring up my sharing my journal with her until after I had mentioned possibly going back over my journals from the past 2 or so decades and fictionalizing the good parts for a novel, zine or something. So it's not like she was prying or anything.

But, now, I don't think I can even share anything I've written with her because when she suggested it, she said i could read it to her...just whatever parts i want to share, if any.
I didn't tell her but i don't want to read it aloud. And typing up what i've already hand written seems so time consuming.

But since I can't seem to talk aloud about stuff, what other choice do i have? HOW does one even begin talking about stuff? I don't get it...

It can be really hard to start opening up in therapy. 3 - 5 sessions isn't that many - be kind to yourself. This is someone you are just getting to know, and who is just getting to know you. It's okay to go slow.

But - it seems like you are feeling distressed, like there are things you do want to tell her, but feel like you can't. Can you tell her THAT? That you're finding it really hard to open up, even though you want to? There have been sessions - session after session after session actually - where that is all that my T and I have talked about. And in talking about that, some trust was built, and I was able to talk about some other stuff a little bit. And then we had to go back to talking about talking...there is an ebb and flow to it, and it can't be rushed.

Are you worried that you won't be able to read the handwriting in your journals? She sounds very gentle and open about the journal idea - I bet if you told her you would be more comfortable with her reading them herself, instead of you reading them out loud, she would be fine with that. I write things down sometimes that are too hard to say and T reads it.

((((((((((((((((((( cafegrrrl )))))))))))))))))))) Don't get down on yourself. This stuff is hard.

[ECHOES]

Give yourself plenty of time and room. It will happen.
You don't have to share all that you write. I have taken my journal to share some of what is in there, but not all. It's more a way to encourage me. Sometimes I write just one word or several words on a slip of paper and carry it in a pocket I can slip my hand into, to touch it and connect with it and find some extra courage.

It is different and takes some time to get used to the pace. It isn't easy to just sit and talk. It wasn't for me anyway. I saw my T for 9 months (a birth?! lol) before I could really talk. I just decided I was going to way whatever and take it from there; it might be important or relevant or not, I though. (Actually it's all important and relevant, I discovered). T has encouraged me to say "Anything and everything. Whatever comes to mind." so I have her open acceptance about it and that helps too. She did not hurry or push me, knowing it would come.

When I stopped pressuring myself and expecting to cover a lot of ground (instead of depth), then it got easier.