I met with the new counselor

Hi,

My counselor is moving away in a couple of weeks. He referred me to a new counselor. We met on Friday. I don't think it is going to work out. I am so upset. And now he is leaving and there isn't time to work out another referral, and there won't be another counselor to talk to when I am in a crisis - which I will be when he leaves. I'm sorry but this is going to be really hard when he goes.

I don't even know what he was thinking when he referred me to her. This is hard to write about. He knows I had really terrible abuse by women, and I can't talk to a woman counselor, at least not at this stage in my life - maybe if I grow and heal more in a few years or something it might be possible but not now. This is a woman counselor. He explained more to me yesterday. He decided to refer me to somebody who is 100% opposite from him. He thought somehow this would help (????) in the transition. I don't know how that helps at all. I am not a match with her in the slightest. Even if she were a male, we would not be able to work together. I have no idea what to do now, and at the moment, I'm even totally confused with my own counselor for making this referral. He's been such an excellent counselor all this time and I have zero idea what he was thinking. Zero. He had to know this referral would fail. So I have no idea what to think any more. And with only a short amount of time left (part of which he will be gone) I think there is no time to work out another referral. I just feel lost.

I guess I think if somehow I were a counselor making the referral, if I had any choice about it....this relationship had been working so well, I'd try to find another counselor who had at least some of the same concepts and ideas, rather than somebody who was the exact opposite. Does that sound logical? Or am I just insane? No two counselors are ever going to be identical, but I can't see the referral he made being logical at all. I just don't understand. I feel really upset.

Thanks for listening.

Take care,
ErinBear

I guess I don't understand your t rational either. I am sorry that time ran out on you. Maybe it is not too late if you tell him that you would like one similar to him he can try again. I wish you luck in finding one.

Thanks Bipolar Bear. I really appreciate your note. I don't even know what to think right now. Maybe I should just stop counseling altogether. I don't think he can find another referral before he leaves and I don't know how to find another good counselor either. I don't have a good idea about all of this right now. Thanks for listening.

Take care,
ErinBear

You are not insane and I also know what your therapist was doing. it is part of the transitional process for the outgoing therapist to tell the client that the next therapist will not be doing things the same way as they have done and that at times it will seem like the two therapists are oposites in how they do things. The reason they do this is because it is supposed to make the transition cycle easier on the client because the client does not go through so much of the thinking process of " so and so would not have said this, had me do that, asked me something like that" By preparing the client for the fact that the new therapist is not a clone of him or herself and has their own way of doing things the new therapist can start with the client without the client having any preconcieved ideas of how things are going to be. They can meet each other a few times with the old therapist and then the old therapist steps out of the transition so that the new therapist and client can start talking about where the client is right now and the goals based on right now instead of repeating the same stuff over again. This way the client continues to move forwards and does not lose ground during the transition cycle of feelings. Therapists can go through the same exact training and work under the same exact therapist but no two therapists are the same. just like no two rape survivors are the same. they go through the same basic stuff of being abused but they work their healing cycles at different rates and different things work for different people. therapists are the same way no two do therapy time the same way covering the same material in exactly the same way. Instead they look at where the client is right now in the present and base things on what the client needs right now. In the upcoming weeks you and your new therapist will be setting new goals for you based on what is happening in your life right now.

Right now because you are in the transition thought cycle you most likely will not like anyone that is chosen for your new therapist mainly because you don't want to lose the old therapist. So give it some time. Look at the new therapist as an opportunity to learn new skills and take care of your present by setting new goals based on what right problems you have in your life right now. I think of it kind of like when I was in school and had to move on to a new grade or class work. The teachers were not the same and they did not teach the same way but with each one I gained new skills and better functioning of the things that were taught. The teacher was the tool and I was the one that had to complete the work.

The therapist is the tool and client has to complete the work. A good therapy experience does not matter who the therapist is. every therapist has the potential to be a great therapist. They base what goes on in therapy on each individual client and what their needs are.

So your part in therapy is to decide what your problem areas are and what you think you want to accomplish during your therapy time and possible ideas on how or what you can do with your therapist help. The therapist job is to look at what you have chosen to work on and challenge you to complete your goals by looking at all sides of the situation so that you can see many solutions that you would like to try to apply to your problem both inside and outside of the therapy room.

For example one of my goals I have set for myself is to get rid of a nightmare that I have.

My brainstorming ideas for solutions are-
rewrite the nightmatre so that it has a middle and ending
Self talk
grounding
relaxing activities that will calm and help me get back to sleep
talk about nightmare
write about nightmare
hypnosis (relaxation visualization

All of which I can work on alone or with my therapist. Then I took my problem to my therapist with my ideas. SKR and I tried all of them and we were in the process of doing the last one - hypnosis (visualization relaxations when we chose LL as my new therapist. Instead of redoing everything that we have already done LL and I are picking up where SKR and I left off. LL mentioned doing each of the above in asking me if I had tried them but she did not make me redo them because we had already tried those ideas.

LL does not do things exactly like SKR. She's not SKR but I have continued moving forwards in other areas while with LL for the past 2 years mainly because LL does not do things exactly the same way so I have an opportunity to see things from yet another point of view.

Transitioning to someone new is a royal pain but it will work out for you if you give it a chance instead of falling into the "past therapist isn't like that , would not have done things this way and so on) your present therapist has basically gotten you ready for looking at things from a new point of view. Take him up on that and run with it and see where it goes. You may surprise yourself on what you will soon be learning.

Hang in there

Hi Myself,

Thank you for your note. At least at this point in time, I don't plan to return to the counselor to whom I was referred. Yes, I understand the points you raised. However, if I am so terrified of the counselor that I am not able to speak, then I don't see how counseling can even take place. I don't know how this can ever improve unless she magically changes gender. If I continue to go there it would be a waste of time, for both of us, and money as well. Not to mention a continuing exercise in terror.

And yes, any new counselor would be a very different person, just as we are all individuals one from another. I realize that. I just don't see the sense of making a referral that is automatically doomed to failure based on gender in this instance. If he referred me to a male counselor, I would have had a much better chance of success at making a new connection.

I think at this point I will probably stop counseling. I don't know what I was thinking. Thanks anyway.

Take care,
ErinBear

(((((((((((((((((ErinBear))))))))))))))))))

I so feel for you at this moment. My t is leaving the first week of July. Because of my long history with him, most things being gone through, etc., we decided that I would end therapy altogether. It still seems appropriate to me.

T said if I did continue therapy that I should wait about six months as usually the second one doesn't work out because the client is comparing, missing t, etc...kinda like a rebound relationship. He said it's usually the third that will work out...rarely the second when a client has been with a t for a long time.

Having said that, do you think you could interview t's on your own or take a short break to grieve and then find the t you want and need?

If you feel you need the support, I would start looking straight away. I know, at one point I panicked, and called several t's. Many of them called me back and talked with me a long time on the phone! I could tell from there which ones I would even consider seeing for the first visit. I particularly liked one...a male.

I'm like you as well. I told my t, "Could you imagine me having a female t and what might happen there?" It's not possible. I would not have trusted a female t and may very well have torn her down pretty quickly.

I wish you so well. PM if you want or need to. I'll listen.

kd

Erin -

This is really confusing and confounding. I'm sorry you feel abandoned by your therapist who is leaving. This situation is crazy -- not you!!!!!!!!!!!

Tell me how far I have to drive to punch your departing therapist, who sounds like he has suffered a loss of his good sense.

Hugs,
EJ

Erin Bear -

When I was going through a particular situation, a friend recommended a therapist who specialized with adopted parents, who had been abused by their children. Anyway, I called the therapist first, and asked to speak to her over the phone first. I was able to confirm that she would be supportive to me at that critical time, and saw her for about a month.

Bipolar Bear's suggestion is good too.

Hugs,
EJ

EB -

One other thought -- is there any chance DocJohn might know someone who is good where you live.

EJ

The best thing I ever did was go to someone who basically only does the kind of work I need and keeps up with new training and ideas. She has been very competent with me. I agree that may be some time should lapse. I also wonder if telling a new T about your sadness and dissappointment with old t would be helpful. Meanwhile there are hotlines. Some are down right manure but some are good. It's a guessing game. Good luck.

I don't know what he is thinking either, but I don't like what he did. Yes, I agree, if you feel the relationship is working with him (except for this) then tell him you want a referral to someone similar to him, and not a female TC

Hi Kimmydawn,

I really, really, really appreciate your note to me. Thank you so much.

I know you are getting ready for a similar change, with your counselor leaving, too. I didn't realize you were planning to stop therapy altogether when your therapist moves away. That will be a big change! I'm glad you've both had more time to plan for it, at least, hard as I'm sure it still is. This change with my counselor seems like it has all happened so quickly. That is adding to the complexity of the situation, at least for me.

Yes, today as I've been contemplating the situation in my mind, I was beginning to formulate a plan much as you were describing - possibly just taking a break from counseling altogether for awhile rather than trying to do counseling right away. I can see plusses to that plan. The only thing which worries me right now is that I think I will be in a crisis when my counselor leaves, and then I think there will be no support there, and no place to talk about the problem, etc. I did feel more relaxed for awhile today when I thought about at least not returning to the same counselor, who really frightened me on Friday.

I might PM you if that is really okay, so thanks for the offer. This has been a hard thing.

Thanks, KimmyDawn - I sure appreciate this. And I'm sorry that you're facing a similar situation. It's hard to see a good counselor go!

Thinking of you, and sending caring thoughts in your direction.

Thanks again,
ErinBear

Hi EJ,

Thanks for your notes....I still like my counselor and may be frustrated with him at the moment, but I actually don't want to bop him! LOL! I just don't understand why he's done this. He's been a really excellent counselor and this doesn't fit with his otherwise very thoughtful, kind, and caring work with me.

I'm so glad you were able to get a referral for your specialized needs, and then call and get a good sense of whether you could work with that person or not over the phone. It sounds like it was a good match, too....so that is encouraging to hear that it worked out for you. Thanks for sharing that experience, and that it was a positive outcome at an important time, and you could find the help you needed.

Hugs,
ErinBear

Hi Wisewoman,

Thanks for your note. I appreciate the support from everyone here. It sounds good that you were able to find a counselor who specializes in your unique situation, and keeps up-to-date with the latest treatments. It sounds like you have a good match! I'm so glad to hear it. It's always good to hear of more people who have found good counselors. I really had a good match with my present counselor and felt very thankful for that. Even though I am very sad to see him leaving, I am glad we had a good working relationship.

Thanks again for your note.

Take care,
ErinBear

Hi Sky,

Yes, I guess I could try asking him to try to find someone more similar to him, and male. I think probably at this late point in time, he may not be able to work out a referral at all because it is so close to the point that he is leaving. I may just be on my own with it if I decide to keep trying to do counseling.

It's a hard thing to see him move away. sigh

Thanks for listening, Sky, and everyone here.

Take care,
ErinBear

Erin,

Yes, when I called the several t's to try to find one, I was in "freakout" mode wondering what I would do with him gone and having no one. I SOOOOOOOO UNDERSTAND. I've been there and still get there every now and again. Whew!

What I have to remind myself of now is the fact that hubby knows alot more about me now and I can share. I've learned so much more about myself and my reactions to better able talk myself down. I also remind myself that if I feel it's getting out of control, I can pick up the phone and make some calls. I have to remind myself of ALOT right now.

New friendbear, why don't we lean on each other through this...no matter what's decided? I can remind you and you can remind me. We can share and support each other. I'm sorry that you're going thru the same thing, but feel pretty blessed right now too.

We'll make this.

kd

I just lost my T, too. I had decided to stop therapy when he left, but it's only been a couple of weeks and I am questioning my decision! I couldn't have gotten a referral if I wanted to, as I am now stuck in a different state. I dunno what to do. I don't plan to stay here, so I don't want to jump in with somebody new just to have to pick up and leave again -- but if I don't find somebody to talk to outside of this house, I'm going to lose it in a hurry!

Hang in there, KD and Erin. It's tough, but it can be done. I don't envy either of you, though. When my T told me he was leaving, I burst into tears on the spot and then went home and cried all weekend!

Candy

It's odd that your counselor referred you to someone who was so different. Did the first counselor address that choice? Another option is not to take the referral at all and just make some phone calls until you find a new counselor that does what you need.

Hi KimmyDawn,

Thanks for yet another kind note - I really appreciate it!

It sounds like you've done a lot of hard work in counseling, and I'm glad that you have gotten to the place where you can help talk yourself through hard times like this. I'm also glad you have your husband, and it sounds like you can reach out to him a bit as well when times are hard now. And it sounds like you've got some plans in place for when things aren't going so well.....although one wishes things could just go well and you wouldn't need to use the plans you have! LOL! But I'm glad you do indeed have these plans in place and you've done all this hard work in therapy.

I don't have as many plans in place for bad times. Thankfully, I have a couple of good friends here. I feel really grateful for them. Sometimes I can be in touch with them if things aren't going well. I don't know exactly how this will work with my counselor leaving but as you said, we can support one another here, and I sure like that idea!

I like that you called some Ts, even though your initial plan is to stop therapy. It's good to know that there are options if you stop therapy and it doesn't feel right later. If somehow it doesn't feel healthy or safe to go without counseling after awhile, maybe you know there are some other counselors who might work out now that you made those phone calls. So that was brave of you to make those calls! And if you do decide it is best to just move on from therapy, then you still made the calls and helped yourself know the options and feel better about the transition. I think that was really smart :-)

Well, I send you good wishes - thinking of you!!!!

Hugs,
ErinBear

Hi CandyBear,

I'm so sorry that this is such a hard time for you too! Boy, it seems like there are a bunch of us going through this right now. It's a hard thing.

I'm wondering if you can find some sort of a support group or counseling group in your area, or if that might be something that would even be something you might consider. It might be something that would fit for a short-term kind of support until you get to your final location and can find a counselor with whom to set up a new relationship. Meanwhile, you could still get some sort of support from the other folks in the group, and also the counselor (if a counselor is leading the group). I know some folks who have found a lot of support and healing in groups. And there is also good support and encouragement in regular support groups, if you can find one that fits your situation in your area.

There is also online counseling - I know it's not the same, but it would be some kind of contact, too, during this transition period for you....

Thinking of you, CandyBear, and sending you my caring wishes.....take good care of you....

Hugs,
ErinBear

((((((((((((( Erinbear )))))))))))

Everyone has given you really good advice. I don't think I can add anything useful, but I can tell you that I care and I'm here for you.

Hugs,

Jan

Thanks so much, January - I appreciate it. The support here from you and everyone else means so much at a hard time. Thank you so much!

Take care,
ErinBear

((((((((( Erinbear )))))))))

Hugs,

Jan