[LAS112]

I had a few good days (good enough that I thought about cutting T back a little bit). There were actually days that I felt great. Last night and the night beofre I started having a lot of anxiety and I couldn't get my mind to just slow down. Today, before T I felt okay. Throughout the evening I've started feeling worse and worse, but more depressed than anxious. As long as I don't have to think about stuff, I can generally manage but today he specifically asked about my mood so I told him about the anxiety that was starting, which of course led into a discussion about something else that I get nervous talking about and my first reaction is to just go on like everything is okay, so we didn't talk about it very long. Outside of T, a lot of times I feel like I'm going to burst into tears for no apparent reason, but in T I have to be okay. We have talked about stuff that if alone, I just want to cry about, but in T, I laugh and make jokes about it. I feel like today I needed to talk about something, but there's about 200 different things running through my mind and I can't filter it. I'm not sure what I'm wanting here...just trying to sort things out I guess.

[lizzzie]

Hey LAS -
Therapy's funny that way sometimes - it helps, but then other times it stirs up so much stuff. I sometimes feel like I've spent an hour poking at sore spots and then I have to go home and experience all the pain.
I hope you get some relief soon - remember to be nice to yourself after therapy sessions!

Liz

[Mouse_]

((Las)) Its a good way to sort your thoughts out by posting here!!

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by LAS112

We have talked about stuff that if alone, I just want to cry about, but in T, I laugh and make jokes about it.

Just wanted to say that this happens to me all the time. It seems like when I talk about an issue in therapy my feelings are missing. But outside of therapy the feelings and emotions are there and hit me in full force. It makes it really hard during the session to figure out what is really bothering me about the issue. I have to remember what I was feeling instead of actually feeling it. For me it is really weird to explain.

[skeksi]

I have had this experience also. It sometimes helps if I go in the next week and explain what happened and how I felt out of session. Sometimes, then, I am successful at bringing my feelings into session.

I think a lot of the work of therapy happens outside of the office--it's things being brought up at home, that you can then take in with you and work on, and then more stuff is brought up at home, etc.

[SpottedOwl]

(((LAS)))

I was reading through the blogs earlier, and your post reminded me of an article:

10 Reasons to Lie to Your Therapist

Basically, it is totally normal and even helpful to 'lie' to your therapist.

I too have been struggling with 'how I present myself in therapy'. How much am I hiding from T? How important it is for me to have T see me as healthy.

Then, one day I was *really* craving T's approval. I started journaling about the feelings since I had a few days until my next session. I realized that it wasn't T I wanted approval from, but myself. I still felt personal guilt, blame, shame over past events.

It was a lightbulb-going-on moment. Somehow that realization has been freeing -- and I've since been trying to be more forgiving of myself. Now, whenever I find myself craving X from T, I try to pause and ask myself if I can give that forgiveness/love/acceptance to myself.

(Mind you, this is a slow process. So, even the process of trying to remember that awareness requires patience and forgiveness.)

I don't know if that helps, but you're not alone.

[LAS112]

Thanks everyone...I ended up sending an e-mail to T so we can discuss on Tuesday. It's so nice to know that at least there's other people that can understand. Hugs to you all.

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by SpottedOwl

Then, one day I was *really* craving T's approval. I started journaling about the feelings since I had a few days until my next session. I realized that it wasn't T I wanted approval from, but myself. I still felt personal guilt, blame, shame over past events.

WoW:Ponder:

Originally Posted by SpottedOwl

Now, whenever I find myself craving X from T, I try to pause and ask myself if I can give that forgiveness/love/acceptance to myself.

Whoa. Wow. This is something I am going to really think about.

The one time I have applied a concept like this is when I feel like I really need to connect with T. I look around to see who I can connect with - it's usually one of my kids. It's not *quite* the same, but it's something.

Of course, T takes care of me, and my kids obviously don't (and can't and shouldn't!) so when THAT is what I'm craving...well, I guess that's where this concept of "giving it to myself" would come in.

thanks for sharing this idea, spottedowl. DEFINITELY food for thought....

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by SpottedOwl

I realized that it wasn't T I wanted approval from, but myself.
Now, whenever I find myself craving X from T, I try to pause and ask myself if I can give that forgiveness/love/acceptance to myself.

The easiest route for all this stuff is for our parents to have done it correctly (taking care of us) and then as we got older we started taking over what our parents taught us. If you didn't get it from your parents, now you can get it from your therapist but eventually we must take over and do it for ourselves. Our therapists are parenting us basically and then we take over and complete the parenting.....

Good insight Owl!