[Mouse_]

Not sure this really belongs in this forum, but you guys all know how cozy it is here , so I have this problem with "belonging", I mean even belonging here. Its a daily struggle not to just walk away. I've done it so many times in so many different ways. I just hate the feeling of becoming familiar. I hate it when it starts getting comfortable, or I begin to "know" people. I just want to walk away. I'm trying to do it differently at the moment, but still the urge to just "disappear" is strong. When after the first yr of therapy with my current T she said its time to g 2xwkly now, she asked me am I sure I am going to "commit"? I was slightly surprised she asked me this and it was only about a yr ago she told me that when I first came to therapy she got the feeling that I was going to just disappear one day like my birth mother had? I said, geez if only you know how wrong you are, theres no way I was ever going to walk away from therapy with her. I wondered what gave her that feeling, but yes she is right, my pattern in life apart from my hubbywubby and kids is to just disappear. I wonder perhaps if that gives me a feeling of being in control? If the just "hanging" around feels me with anxiety? anxiety because????? HHHmmm now thats the big question? Anxious that I will become just like everyone else and thats to ordinary for me? HHmmm that ole narcissim thing again raising its BIG head???...yeah I dont like to be just ordinary, I want to be extrodanairy, I want to stand out, I want to be different because ordinariness feels like death, but death of what? death of the ego? is it this that makes me run, is it this that leads me around like a blind horse? I have to fight to do the oppersite to what it desires, I have to fight the wave of anxiety and trust that ordinary doesn't equate to death. Oh my god, perhaps my birth mother struggled with these same thoughts? Perhaps thats why she "ran"? dam and ****, I'm gonna have to do this better then her aren't I? I've got to beat that voice that says RUNNNNNNNNNNN...

[pachyderm]

I am with you, Mouse. A lot of similar thoughts there.

[Mouse_]

Patchy, Yes I sense very similar workings between me and you, I find that to be intriguing, in a good way. I think I could have just said in my original post that committement scares the **** out of me but I dont know why. Nuff ramblings I think I will go do something very extraordinary now and wash the dishes up

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Mouse_

I have this problem with "belonging", I mean even belonging here. Its a daily struggle not to just walk away.

Mouse, I hope you won't walk away from here. I learn a lot from your posts and feel you belong.

Originally Posted by Mouse_

Oh my god, perhaps my birth mother struggled with these same thoughts? Perhaps thats why she "ran"? dam and ****, I'm gonna have to do this better then her aren't I?

Yes, you don't have to be what your parents were! This has been a big motivator for me in how I raised my children. For example, my mother never once told me she loved me. With my own kids, I have made sure I tell them frequently that I love them and that my actions are in synch with that. These behaviors of mine stem directly from the opposite behavior of my mother. Let this be a motivator for you on how not to be. Use it!

:Heart::Heart::Heart:

[darkrunner]

Originally Posted by Mouse_

. I wonder perhaps if that gives me a feeling of being in control? If the just "hanging" around feels me with anxiety? anxiety because????? HHHmmm now thats the big question?

(((((((((((((((Mouse)))))))))))))))))))
You always post such good insightful thoughts. Could it be that your instinct to RUN is because you want to abandon others before they abandon you? Maybe 'hanging around' fills you with anxiety because you are waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak.

You are definitely an extraordinary person, and I certainly hope you don't disappear from here.

ktgirl

Mouse!

Don't you dare disappear from here.

:Heart:

[Lemon]

Originally Posted by Mouse_

yeah I dont like to be just ordinary, I want to be extrodanairy, I want to stand out, I want to be different because ordinariness feels like death,

This is a feeling I frequently have too. I don't relate to wanting to be normal. I mean, I don't want to be weird or anything (LOL) but I want to be unique and I wish I could figure out how or in what way to do that. Have you ever talked to T about this which to be extordinary?

[Sannah]

Hi Mouse do you think you might fear intimacy and this is why you want to run before you get too close to someone?