[internettie]

I had my meeting last night with the lady who made the hurtful comments about me last week in group. We were scheduled to meet last night at 6pm. I thought she wasn't going to show up at first. We had 30 minutes scheduled to come to some kind of resolution. She was 15 minutes late (which turned out to be okay because I don't think I could have handled 30 minutes of her anger).

My therapist let me speak first. I had been practicing all week what I would say and was ready. The lady started interrupting me almost immediately and was shaking her head 'no' each time I made a statement. I felt good about being able to get out what I needed to say.

Then it was her turn to speak.

I don't usually allow myself to be around someone that volatile and intense but because I had my T and her T there, I was able to listen to her even though she was yelling, attacking me verbally and being rude. At one point both therapists tried to calm her down and she told both of them to be quiet, that she was going to say whatever she wanted to say. That's when I got really scared. I knew if she wasn't going to respect the therapists authority, she certainly wasn't going to respect what I had to say.

Instead of just acknowledging that she made a hurtful comment, unintentionally, and was sorry, she started raising her voice to everyone, getting extremely angry and fidgety and saying that no one understood her situation. No matter how many times I tried to redirect her to the issue at hand, she went off on tangents about how bad her life is.

I feel good that I not only stood my ground but that I did it in a calm, rational way. Using my DBT skills saved me. She did her best to intimidate me and try to get me to back down or run off, but I didn't do either.

In the end she was the one who left in a huff (therapist running after her). As soon as I was alone with my therapist I started crying and the shaking was so bad I thought I was going to come undone. The other therapist came back and they were both so gentle and encouraging. They both said that I did an excellent job of stating my needs, especially in the face of such intense anger on the other persons part.

I was still feeling quite shaky but went off to group knowing that lady would not be there. We started processing what had happened last week and that night with the group. About 10 minutes in we realized someone had been standing at the door. It was the lady. She eavesdropped on our confidential conversation (she was no longer a part of the group) and then interrupted group. I was so scared that I couldn't even look at her.

She stated again that she was sorry buy she didn't intentionally hurt anyone. But if she had it would have been my therapist. Then she made a nervous laugh and was asked to leave.

Everyone in group was on pins and needles the rest of the night but we did a good job of processing what had happened.

None of us felt safe to walk out to our cars alone, so the therapists escorted us to our cars. I was glad when I was finally home.

I did wake up in the middle of the night with a panic attack, but I used some skills and was able to get back to sleep. My body hurts so bad from being so tensed up and from all the shaking. I had to change my next appointment with my T for a diffferent day to avoid seeing this woman in the hallway, waiting room or parking lot.

Everyone in group said that I was very brave and courageous for standing up to this bully. They were all relieved that she would no longer be attending group. I'm going to contact her counselor to make sure that this person knows that she is NOT to show up at group next week.

It was a horrible, scary situation to go through, but I'm proud that I did make it through it (even though I'm still shaking today )

Have any of you had to deal with such an angry, volatile person? What impact did it have on you?

[pachyderm]

:Heart: I'm very impressed.

I have not had the opportunity, at least any time recently, to practice my skills in such a situation.

[Sannah]

Hi Internettie, I was wondering how it went. I had a feeling it was going to turn out like that. Anyone who would say something like that is not going to have an appropriate reaction when she is called on it. She sounds toxic and has a lot of work to do. I'll bet she had a really bad upbringing and terrible experiences.

You did do a great job!

I used to be afraid of confrontation. I would shake but I would force myself to do it anyway. One time my face was completely white because I was so scared! What helped me to get over it was to realize that I was so overwhelmed by it because all of my feelings from the past were coming back at that exact moment and knocked me a good one. So I would just tell myself that this moment is not the past. The past is over and only exists in my mind. Plus I processed the feelings that I had about my past experiences and beliefs about myself.

What really scares people about this woman is her anger and this happens because of an angry person in the past, most likely a parent. So when a person sees her angry it takes the other person all the way back to when they were a small and helpless child. Not a good place to be but no one is that small helpless child anymore (except in their minds).

(((((((((((((((((((((((( internettie ))))))))))))))))))))))))

How scary!!!! Ugh, I didn't even like reading about it.

I am so proud of you for standing your ground and stating your needs in the midst of all of her anger and all of your fear. What an amazing and empowering learning experience.

I hope that group feels safer for you (and everyone else!) next week.

[sunrise]

Internettie, how very, very scary. You were amazing. I am so glad you had the support of the two therapists. (I hope they learned something about admitting people to group therapy who are not ready for it.)

I can't believe that person came back to group to eavesdrop even though she had been kicked out! I am really glad the therapists escorted everyone to their cars. This woman sounds really volatile--no telling what she would do. If it were me, I would not feel safe unless the group therapy location and time were changed. If these remain the same, this woman can show up every week to harass people as they arrive and leave, perhaps even follow them home, identify their cars, slash tires, etc. I don't think these worries are exaggerated--she sounds very unpredictable and volatile. I hope the therapist will change the day/time and location.

[internettie]

Thank you all for your encouragement. It was not easy, but I feel like if I could get through that situation, then I can get through any situation.

pachyderm: I wouldn't tell you to go out looking for this kind of situation, but I can tell you that since it found me, I was determined to learn as much as I could from it.

Sannah: Some of it was feelings from the past coming up but I think the majority of my fear was present day because this lady is so angry and volatile. She has no concept of boundaries or social etiquette. I really was afraid, in that moment, that she was going to do something to lash out. I worked really hard at my mindfulness skill to stay in the present.

earthmama: It was an awesome learning experience. I realized that I could stand up to anyone, if I could stand up to her. Right now I'm still very hesitant about group. I'm afraid she'll show up next week acting like nothing ever happened. I really don't want to see her again. I'm going to check in with my therapist and her therapist to make sure she understands that she is not to attend group anymore.

Sunrise: Both therapists admitted that this was a learning experience for them and that they both got a lot out of it. I was completely shocked that she came in and interrupted group. I couldn't believe she did that. But like I said, she doesn't understand boundaries or social etiquett. I don't think your worries are exaggerated either. I think I've run through all those scenarios in my head since last night. I think an email to my therapist asking what assurance I have that this person will not show up at the building on group night would be appropriate.

There was no mention of changing the day/time/location. I will also bring that up as a possibility.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by internettie

Some of it was feelings from the past coming up but I think the majority of my fear was present day because this lady is so angry and volatile. She has no concept of boundaries or social etiquette. I really was afraid, in that moment, that she was going to do something to lash out. I worked really hard at my mindfulness skill to stay in the present.

But your past experiences with angry people is what was driving your current fear of her? I don't think that this woman will do anything beyond what she has done already.

Just wanted to share this little story. I did child protection for about 1 1/2 years before I became a stay-at-home mom. When I started in this office there was a client (a mom of one of the foster children) there who everyone else in the office was afraid of because she was angry and volatile. I have never been afraid of angry people because my parents were never angry. They gave this client to me, she came in angry but I wasn't afraid of her because I didn't have the history to be automatically afraid of angry people. As I worked with her she calmed down so much because I think that she was comforted by someone not being afraid of her. I think that some angry people are also very scared. Just because someone is angry doesn't mean that they are going to do physical harm. Some do but I think that they are the small minority. They might do physical harm on their loved ones but most draw the line with strangers.

[internettie]

I'll just have to live with the fact that angry people scare me. I think that because I've had someone threaten to kill me and I've seen violence first hand it's hard not to be scared. It doesn't matter whether it's the past or present that scares me. I just know that I was scared. Thanks for letting me know about your experience. I'm glad you have something positive to reflect on. One day I hope I can say the same. Thank you for responding.

[internettie]

I got an email from the other person's therapist today (in response to one I had sent to her). The lady who made the hurtful comment to me is quitting therapy altogether now because of everything that has happened. I'm having a hard time not feeling bad about this. I did respond to the therapist and tell her that I was sorry to hear that J may quit therapy. I don't know what to think right now.

[darkrunner]

((((((((((((((((((internettie))))))))))))))))))))))

Please don't take responsibility for her decision. YOU are the one who was hurt, YOU are the one who was bullied. SHE made the decision to do that to you and is suffering the appropriate consequences.


ktgirl

[internettie]

Thanks for the response, ktgirl. I needed to 'hear' that.

[tulips30]

The only thing I can think to say is that YOU ROCK!!!!! I hate confrontation more than anything I can think of. It makes me go numb and my insides shake and I physically feel red hot. I wish there was a way to reach through the screen and give you a big pat on the back!

I'm really glad that your group was supportive. I imagine that helped a lot!

tulips

[internettie]

Thank you, tulips30. I don't like confrontation much myself, but now that I'm learning these DBT skills I feel like I have a chance of getting through one, like I did last week. I appreciate the pat on the back. The therapists each gave me a hug when it was over. That really helped too. Group was very supportive, more than I imagined it would be.

Interesting thing about perceptions: I was sure everyone in the DBT group was friends with this lady and they'd all get mad at me for stirring up the pot. Turns out they were having similar issues with her and they weren't friends with her at all.

My therapist tells me that I need to come up with different interpretations for thoughts like that and she's right. I almost didn't confront this person because I believed that they were all friends. Even though it was very scary for me, I'm glad I did it.

Now I just have to get through group Thursday night without freaking myself out thinking that she's going to show up.