This is a mixed "bag" - body work T.... the good, the bad, the ugly..... the "things" I have found out about me... it is a challenge.. each and every time to go.. to lower my guard way, way down.. it takes extreme courage and determination.....

I found out "something" that hurt deeply yesterday..

I am a "hugger" and a "toucher".. with the people I love... my son, friends.... it is automatic.. like such... such joy at seeing the people that I love most in the world... and there they are.... and I need to show them.. what they mean to me.. to impart... warmth.. love.. joy..happiness by their presence...

What I didn't realize.. is that when I hug.. when I touch... it is for giving... that I automatically am "numb"... I feel nothing... I "give" them touch.. and they have no idea.. that I am completely numb.. I am so warm.. so outgoing... "how would they know"..I do not feel.. the warmth.. coming back to me... I am.. numb...


Yesterday... I felt.... the holding of the T for the first time.. it is warmth... safety... everything "good" in life.... The.. heel.. of my hand on his shoulder blade... the warmth.. of the touch.. asking him.. "do you feel that"... him squeezing me... asking me.. over and over every few minutes.. "are you there, do you feel me my hands.. on your back".. I always touch his face.. my hand on his face.. it "grounds" me.. reminds me that it is him.. my T... and not one of my abusers.. as my abusers.. not one of them.. did I touch their face.. so it..."grounds" me... let's me know.. yes.. this is.. my T.. and I am safe.. so I do not go back in the past....

And with feeling of his touch... came the realization.. of what was taken from me...and a profound sadness came over me...

The sadness for what also would never be .. in my life.. as I am not prepared to ever have a relationship..

The body work T.. is good... he told the "age old story" of the 2 dragons.. and which to feed.. a choice..a "freewill" choice - hence my name...

The bad dragon.. representing the negative, bad feelings.. or the good dragon... who represents warmth, comfort...

Feeding the good dragon... can be done by more than touch... it can be by what we love in life.. for me stars in the sky, trees.. things like that...

I have always loved the song "boy meets girl - waiting for a star to fall".. and now I know why... it is a magical song... the stars... my alters..elusive... trying to catch.. them.. the bits... the pieces.. that are me...

For those of you that have the courage to "feed your good dragon" - I admire you... for you have more courage than I...

with respect to all.... freewill...

[Sannah]

Hi Freewill, this is progress, you felt for the first time. This is just the beginning. Why do you say that you will never have more? This can only continue to progress......

So you are grieving what you have lost. I have done this before too and once you grieve you will move on.

It WAS lost but now you have found it and it will grow.....

[MINIME]

((freewill)) good work

[chaotic13]

What I didn't realize.. is that when I hug.. when I touch... it is for giving... that I automatically am "numb"... I feel nothing... I "give" them touch.. and they have no idea.. that I am completely numb.. I am so warm.. so outgoing... "how would they know"..I do not feel.. the warmth.. coming back to me... I am.. numb..

Wow! this statement struck me. I am not sure I am perceiving it in the same way that you wrote it, but it makes a lot of sense to me. I have a hard time...receiving touch.

For me I'm not sure if I would describe what I experience as being numb... It is more that the touch just seems sooo intense that it sets my body and brain on fire and I have to then go numb in order to tolerate it.

The crazy thing is... if you were to ask me what gifts or talents do I possess, I would have to say that one of them is my ability to make people feel better through touch. (therapeutic touch that is ). Some how I seem to have mastered an ability that I don't understand or can't seem to experience myself. Weird uh!

Freewill, I'm glad you were able to get a glimpse of what other feel.

[lifeblows]

It is sad to discover what you have never known. I still think you are incredibly brave for working so hard on touch. It's such a scary thing.