Just didn't feel like I could head off to T without my now-traditional "oh my god I have T today and I'm so scared" post.

After our crappy session on Wednesday (when he played the part of World's Most Supportive T and I played the part of World's Most Walled-Off Patient), we have e-mailed a tiny bit about where the wall is coming from. I didn't think I was going to make myself go today, but he left me a message: "I will be here on Friday at 1, so you come too!". I'm going.

Just thinking about it is making me want to throw up my oatmeal (sorry). I have butterflies in my stomach.

I'm sure I'll report back later.

[Tired12]

Good luck earthmama

[Sannah]

Can't wait to hear what happened....

Huh. I'm not sure what to make of today's session. I don't know if I haven't had time to process it, or if there's nothing to process, or....????

We talked a lot about that 7 year old me, and how bad I think she is. And the fact that for me, I believe she is THE REAL ME, not this grown up me who has had all of these years to add layer upon layer of defense mechanisms and behaviors, and personality traits and whatnot. He asked, what did she do that was bad? What did she say? Well, NOTHING. Nothing at all. It's just who she IS.

Anyhow, that's kind of how the session went. I know he wants me to love and accept her, but...no. I'm not there.

I tried, REALLY HARD, to not put up the wall. I tried to peel back the armor some to let him in. But then.... I told him that I think HE is the one with the wall. That maybe my feelings about him are so strong that it scares him, or repulses him. He asked, why can't I just accept the feelings you have for me? I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!! oy.

He did come and sit with me. I know this will make me sound crazy (crazier?!) but I almost couldn't believe he could get across the room to me, through all of the walls. I'm serious. But, he made it over, and connecting with touch did help a little.

I guess part of what I'm scared of is that the 7 year old wants to tell. She wants to talk. She's told a little, and she wants to tell more. It's like if *I* accept her and if *T* accepts her, then she's going to open her mouth and she's going to tell and it's going to hurt and be scary. I think that's what it all boils down to.

So. There's me processing my session in real time. I haven't thought about it until I started writing this post.

I don't know what I'm feeling right now. Kind of numb, I think, because when I peek at what else there is, it's FEAR.

I hate feeling like this. It's like the little me needs to be held, hugged, soothed, reassured. I feel so exposed and frightened. Eeeek.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by earthmama

how bad I think she is. what did she do that was bad? It's just who she IS.

I guess part of what I'm scared of is that the 7 year old wants to tell. *I* accept her and if *T* accepts her, then she's going to open her mouth and she's going to tell and it's going to hurt and be scary.

when I peek at what else there is, it's FEAR.

I hate feeling like this. It's like the little me needs to be held, hugged, soothed, reassured. I feel so exposed and frightened.

You are really on to something here..... Is there any shame going on?

whoa. maybe it's shame and not fear. or maybe it's both?

i hadn't thought of that.

[Tired12]

You are so brave earthmama. Transferring me more strength. I am so glad I found pc world. Comfort does exist!

[MissCharlotte]

((earthmama))

((little earthmama))

I don't know what I'm feeling right now.

Matching words to feelings has been a major part of my therapy. When young children are hurt, they dissociate because it's too hard to own their feelings. Then the feelings become compartmentalized along with the event. I think of it as taking it back piece by piece. These awful feelings are shame, rage, anger, hatred, abandonment, and so forth.

I am sorry you hurt right now. I know it's the work we must do, but sometimes I think I was better off un-integrated.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

((earthmama))

((little earthmama))

Matching words to feelings has been a major part of my therapy. When young children are hurt, they dissociate because it's too hard to own their feelings. Then the feelings become compartmentalized along with the event. I think of it as taking it back piece by piece. These awful feelings are shame, rage, anger, hatred, abandonment, and so forth.

I am sorry you hurt right now. I know it's the work we must do, but sometimes I think I was better off un-integrated.