[AllyH88]

What do you do if you feel your T is not 'getting' you?

It's happened a couple of times. Once, I was talking about how I was worried that a certain kind of therapy would not work for me and he just deadpanned "That's because you're so pessimistic". Another time, I think he was tired of hearing me complain about my family, he asked "What did they do to piss you off this time?", but in an annoyed sort of way.

Maybe it is just my own interpretation given my current emotional state, but I felt misunderstood, not validated, like he was reinforcing the negative way I feel about myself. Like I just exaggerate my problems, you know, make mountains out of molehills. He seems annoyed, really tired most of the time, so I try not to take it personally.

I don't think it's a lack of communication, because I'm actually quite good at articulating my feelings.

Any thoughts?

Thanks.

I find that when I feel like this it could be:
a. T really isn't getting it
b. I'm really feeling crappy and I'm projecting (feeling annoyed with myself, and instead, accusing him of being annoyed with me

Usually when this happens, I just call him on it. Sometimes he will say, "you are right... I wasn't being very empathic there." He will ask me what I would have liked him to do/say.

Other times, he helps me figure out that I am projecting my feelings onto him.

Some sessions, we connect-- others we don't. There have even been sessions in which he says he felt connected, but I said that I didn't. Best thing to do is speak up and try to work through what's going on.

I guess I would ask myself if it always feels this way, or if there are also lots of times where I did feel he was getting me? That would help me decide if it was really that he was not a good match for me, or if he did help me sometimes and that my current state might be coloring my current views. If I decided he was not a good match for me, I would start looking elsewhere. Therapy is hard enough - I can't imagine doing it with someone who acted annoyed/tired most of the time!

Good luck!

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by AllyH88

"That's because you're so pessimistic". Another time, I think he was tired of hearing me complain about my family, he asked "What did they do to piss you off this time?"

Are these his actual comments? You are positive he was not kidding with you?

I can see where they might be used to lighten things up... hard to tell without knowing how they were said or the body language used. I can see how they could be condescending... I would like here these kind of statements a lot.

[winterbaby]

I might have an opposite view to some but I'm a big believer in trusting your gut feeling. If you are getting a negative impression deep down of what he is saying, it could be that is actually saying it like that. Not all T's are a good fit for the client. You might want to ask him about it, if you think you can be honest with him.
Otherwise trust yourself, does he mostly make you feel comfortable when you are there? Or are you always on edge, thinking about how to word things to not get negative feedback or annoy him (as you write he seems annoyed)? Do you feel you are making progress in your therapy?

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by AllyH88

What do you do if you feel your T is not 'getting' you?

It's happened a couple of times. Once, I was talking about how I was worried that a certain kind of therapy would not work for me and he just deadpanned "That's because you're so pessimistic". Another time, I think he was tired of hearing me complain about my family, he asked "What did they do to piss you off this time?", but in an annoyed sort of way.

Maybe it is just my own interpretation given my current emotional state, but I felt misunderstood, not validated, like he was reinforcing the negative way I feel about myself. Like I just exaggerate my problems, you know, make mountains out of molehills. He seems annoyed, really tired most of the time, so I try not to take it personally.

I don't think it's a lack of communication, because I'm actually quite good at articulating my feelings.

Any thoughts?

Thanks.

Hi AllyH88
My honest thoughts are that I would be very annoyed. If it were me in your shoes and your T said that to me, I'd feel invalidated, disrespected, and treated like a child. My T said that it typically takes 2-3 therapists to find the right match, and maybe you do too. I saw another T before I found my current one. I had to leave that one in the dust as she didn't seem to have anything between the ears. I found my current T before I left the last one, and I've been with him now two years, and I have absolute respect for him. He would never dream of saying anything along the lines that your T did.

Depending on how deep you feel it goes, it may or may not be worth telling him how you feel. It sounds like you do not have a therapeutic connection. I think that this early on in the relationship, the way your T responded to you is a bad sign and unlikely to change in the future. Sometimes it is best to cut our losses early on, rather than continue in dysfunctional therapy, dredging along and hoping it will get better. That can actually cause worse harm than finding another T. If you leave that T, the worst case scenario is that you don't find a good T and have to repeat the search process and systematically search until you find the right fit.

I think you have an accurate assessment of your T, and your red flags seem to be valid. It's actually a good thing to know so that you can stop wasting your time and find a T that can actually help.

[AllyH88]

Thanks everyone!

Your comments have reassured me that I'm not crazy (well, not completely!). I'm tired of always thinking it's me who has the problem. And I'm tired of making excuses for him, like he's inexperienced or overworked. Some of you have also reminded me to look at whether this is interfering with the therapeutic relationship. It made me laugh, because I once thought to myself I should stop talking about certain things because they seem to 'bug' T. Can you believe it???!!!! Hello!! It's my right as a patient to discuss whatever I need to, even ad nauseum, in order to work through it.

I do need to trust my gut instinct. It's not just his comments, of which I'm fairly certain he was not joking. I've asked him questions about my diagnosis and haven't always felt like I've gotten a straightforward answer. He's very good with the administrative side of things (making referrals, follow-ups with other testing, etc...), but his "bedside" manner (if I can call it that) leaves a lot to be desired. Anyway, I think I know what I have to do!

[MissCharlotte]

What do you do if you feel your T is not 'getting' you?

These are the moments when I fight with him! LOL I call him on it.

I think I am in the minority here, but I think you need to look at all of the angles because the therapeutic relationship is a real relationship that both parties are vested in. I remember once that T said I wasn't the only one in the relationship with an emotinoal investment. Wow, that statement opened my eyes and I began to notice aspects of our partnership that I hadn't noticed before.

I am not saying you should change your mind, but before you quit, why don't you discuss this with him and see where it brings you? Sometimes when T annoys me, he is being annoying and sometimes when T annoys me, it is because I am projecting or I am avoiding facing something.

Good luck with whatever you decide.