[MissCharlotte]

I remember back in the beginning of therapy when T told me about object constancy and we talked about how I had such a hard time holding onto him between sessions. It's like the ultimate game of peek-a-boo: now you see me ...now you don't. Some of you may even recall my fear that his nameplate on the door would be changed when I got there.

I also had such a hard time accepting the IDEA of the necessity of attaching to him if I were to truly heal, and accepting his role in a sort of re-parenting. I had been so independent for so long. But slowly I have peeled back layers of armor designed to protect me and I have let him in. It's still really hard to open up and break down the defenses but I have arrived at a place where I feel like we are velcro'd together. I looked at him the other day and simply said, "I feel so attached to you." A year ago I would have died rather than say that. Maybe that's what all the ruptures were/are about...my unconscious battling the need to attach because of core wounds.

This acceptance of the attachment and need for another is proving to be a good choice, because now I feel like I can tell him (almost) anything.

I have been working through some feelings of isolation and yesterday I needed to tell him about some stuff I really needed to get out and I was able to call his answering machine and leave a two part message with tears and everything AND tell him that he didn't have to call back, that I would see him Monday.

Whoa. I just felt like I was talking to him, letting my feelings out.

I just think it was so healthy rather than keeping this scary, negative stuff inside of me where it threatens my well being. And I feel secure knowing that he will hear my message and be holding onto those feelings for me so I don't lose them. Peek a boo. I see you!

[Mouse_]

That sounds nice!

[chaotic13]

Ms. C it is nice that you feel comfortable enough with your T to call and leave messages with him to hold. I feel like I need to do this at least once between sessions via e-mail. I would like to get to a point where I can allow myself to meet this need without then negatively judging myself afterwards. Sounds like you've reached this point, which I think is great.

Yes! I so get this - the need to attach, and the fight against attaching.

I know I am JUST getting to the point where I can hold onto T a little between sessions - and I trust that HE is holding on to ME - and it feels good.

I do call and leave tons of voice mails. Well, not tons - but if something comes up, or if something bad happens, or if I'm happy and having a really good day, I'll call. It feels good knowing that he is hearing what I am saying and helping me hold it.

(((((((((((((((((((((( Miss C)))))))))))))))))))))

[searchingmysoul]

(((((MissCharlotte)))))

What an amazing feeling. I still can't even call T between sessions unless I need to reschedule. I won't allow myself to ask or wish or want or hope for more. I hope that I, one day, experience the depth of the relationship that you have in your relationship w/ your T.

~Searching

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

I looked at him the other day and simply said, "I feel so attached to you." A year ago I would have died rather than say that.

Doesn't it feel great to be able to speak the truth about your feelings? There's so much healing there.

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

I had been so independent for so long. But slowly I have peeled back layers of armor designed to protect me and I have let him in. It's still really hard to open up and break down the defenses...

this just hit the nail on the head for me. I am in the peeling back layers part and it sure is freaky. Sometimes i am ok, sometimes I need T soooo bad to tell me i am ok. It upsets me that i am not as independent as i was - that i am needy now since i can't really be ok with having needs. the closer i get to this wound, the bigger the wound is.

Originally Posted by Kiya

this just hit the nail on the head for me. I am in the peeling back layers part and it sure is freaky. Sometimes i am ok, sometimes I need T soooo bad to tell me i am ok. It upsets me that i am not as independent as i was - that i am needy now since i can't really be ok with having needs. the closer i get to this wound, the bigger the wound is.

And what YOU wrote hit the nail on the head for me. I have actually described it to T as pulling back layers of armor. I almost have a visual image of it- he is past my big wall, and now I'm letting him through the layers and layers of the armor that are right on me, protecting me. And yeah, it's hard to not be as independent, to be needy, to feel the pain of that wound. I think you and I need to be holding hands again!!

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by earthmama

I think you and I need to be holding hands again!!

Reaching.... I still have the black nail polish!

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( MissCharlotte )))))))))))))))

[meeka]

wow so amazing miss c......... wish i could be like that too..... How much time did it take for you to lose your defenses to this extent?

[MissCharlotte]

Meeka,

It took until now--two years and two months! And it's not ALWAYS like this but I do feel the relationship really deepening now. Hang in there -- you will get there. It just takes time.

Sigh