[Mouse_]

Of late with the ongoing situation that involves my daughter, I have spent most days in fear....

Some moments I realise I've had 5mins free of fear and as soon as I become aware of that the fear returns..

I feel I've been trying and trying to get someone, anyone, T perhaps, to do something, to make me brave, to take care of me, to make my fear go away...

The other night writing just wasn't enought, so I drew one of my matchstick pictures, a picture of a well with me deep inside of it covered with scribble and people walking past, happy in their security ..I stared at the picture and felt the feeling it reflected...last night I drew a huddle figure with arms wrapped around drawn up knees and just one single tear...

Then yesterday evening everyone in my family was out. I was alone, it was only 5pm but I was very aware of the loneliness I was feeling. I didn't even want to use the pc to avoid the feeling, I just felt there was nothing to do anymore to avoid those things I have tried to hard to avoid..

I sat and realised how sad I would be if my husband dies before me, how lonely I would be when my kids have all grown and gone, how aware I was that if something was to go wrong I was alone, I would have to face whatever life puts in my path...

I sat, and sat, and just let the thoughts and fears and saddness do what they will...after a while I felt a peaceful acceptence come over me. I decided to not try and change how I felt, I felt that I'd finally come to realise that fear and saddness and depression are part of the human experience and they are to be felt from time to time. I was able to understand what T means when I am complaining I am feeling fear and she says, you sound as if your saying one shouldn't feel fear?? and I'd feel irritable because I didn't want to hear that..but yes, last night I was quitely resigned to the experience...

Fear is an emotion I've been running from for all of my life...the last few weeks the flashbacks have been happening but also the feelings of fear are being put with the pictures in my head and I think, dam, how did I forget that??? how did I no remember how the fear felt then?.. my ego defenses are being stripped, there isn't much left now that I can do to suppress the fears...I was thinking something was going badly wrong, I think something is going perfectly right, as painful as it is..T must know this, but has sat quitely allowing me to struggle with the re-emergence of these feelings...knowing that the only way out is through it...

[Mouse_]

well had my 3xwkly extra session today...it felt really scary, like a physical closeness...found it hard to formulate my thinking in the session...eventually said what kind of hangs around me silently with T that I've not be able to find words for or even contemplate telling her...but today told her that I am afraid that I will run toward T and she will say, sorry I'm not your mother...T said so you want closeness, intimacy but afraid of the rejection? of course yes thats the case...talked about times when this has actually happened..but I also talked about something that I am beginning to realise..that how I am in relationships outside of T and my marriage...I have been friendly with a woman at work, at first I felt happy, this other woman talked, and talked, and talked, and then with all the fear I've had going on lately I shut down...I couldnt bear to hear her voice, I just wanted to be left alone...at tea breaks I tried to read a newspaper hoping she would pick up on the fact I wanted to just be quite..but no she continued to talk and talk...I eventually dropped a hint about what was going on in my life at present and she didn't want to know, she just said, oh right and then continued to talk and talk and talk...I told T that looking at all the friendships I've had, I tend to want to please the other by being such a wonderful listener and problem solver that the other person wouldnt ever leave me...I thought it rude to not want to sit and listen and listen...of course this is the role I had with my adoptive mother...but also T said, I think you wanted to be listened too and have projected that need into others...I said I have decided that I am not going to listen to everything someoen wants to tell me and I am catching myself when I see myself jumping head first into a friendship...giving myself permission to listen when I want and be quite when I want...but I'm not sure yet how to tell if someone else is willing to give and take in a friendship so for now want to concentrate of the relationship with myself.....I aint no ones saint, nor no ones sinner!...

[pegasus]

Don't understand why no one has replied to you on this!

(((((((((( Mouse )))))))))))

You are making huge progress. Much stronger now! It's really good to see. Sitting with fear, sounds very much like mindfulness, sitting in the middle of a storm until the storm passes, you are coming through it.

[MissCharlotte]

giving myself permission to listen when I want and be quite when I want.

Way to go. I am not there--but see in your realization a longing again--for me to not always worry about others' feelings ahead of my own.

I guess it's part of self care. Nice.

[Mouse_]

Originally Posted by pegasus

Don't understand why no one has replied to you on this!

.

Well I guess there wasn't a lot of room left for reply......half the time I am thinking out aloud when I post here...some people will read and think, yeah I know what she means...others will read and think, what the f**K....some will relate to my style, others will run from it.....thats cool!

Thanks for replying.

[Mouse_]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

Way to go. I am not there--but see in your realization a longing again--for me to not always worry about others' feelings ahead of my own.

I guess it's part of self care. Nice.

I can't believe how blind I've been...if a friend has a real problem then of course I would listen, but if this person appears to have a "real" problem 24/7 and has only interest in their "problems" and not with a solution, then they need to deal with that, its not my responsiblity...