[ECHOES]

Left T a voicemail message, "Congratulations for reaching your goal to piss me off...."

Several sessions we've talked about not feeling comfortable (with her, with myself, etc) enough to change the subject in session. "Oh, I don't want to talk about that, I want to talk about this..." she said with ease, to show me what a breezy thing it can be.

So on Monday I was talking about an old topic, a person I'd talked about a lot who I'm briefly and temporarily in contact again. T thinks this contact is going to go somewhere and I do not. I don't care that we disagree, except that I think it is not a gray area at all. I think she's wrong and in fact as I expected, the renewed contact with this person seems to be over now. In session, I was watching the clock (can see it reflected in her window) and halfway through the session I said I didn't want to talk about this anymore. I had previously, some time ago, spent entire sessions talking about this person and I was always mad at myself for giving this person 'my' hour. I didn't want that to happen, and I felt the resentment growing, so I wanted to stop talking about the person.

So what does T say? "I feel like you are dropping down walls about talking about this."



So I left her a horrible voicemail about how one session changing the subject means I'm feeling comfortable and another session it's about dropping down walls.



I've never an angry voicemail.

I don't know how to go to tomorrow's session. I don't know how to face her. I'm really afraid. What I really want to do is hide, but yet... I adore T and I really want to be there.

But not if she's mad at me.

But I really want to be there.

But not if she's mad at me.

But I really... *sigh*

T told me today that ALL of my feelings are welcomed in the room....including anger. He said that I wouldn't be punished, or shamed, or rejected, or any bad thing because of anger. He said that my anger is a reaction to something, a perfectly valid reaction that is totally allowed.

I feel absolutely certain that your T will feel the same way. They are not scared of our anger. She won't be angry back at you. She will want to hear more about your anger, and you will talk about it, and you will be safe, and it will be okay. I'm sure of it.

((((((((((((((((((((((((Echoes))))))))))))))))))))) It's scary to express anger when we're not used to it. My rage attack earlier this week (aimed DIRECTLY at T in a series of phone calls and e-mails)was scary for me - I am not an angry person, and I didn't know how he would react to my strong feelings. But I know you read my thread about how he reacted. With caring and concern and ACCEPTANCE.

And your T will too.

[searchingmysoul]

I have had a couple of sessions where I have gotten angry with something my T had said that was way off. Something similar, where she might tell me what I want or need, instead of letting me express my needs and her acknowledging them. Expressing my needs to her, even in anger, in these situations has always been helpful to me and she was very very good about making it safe for me to do so. It has helped our relationship tremendously also for me to be straight forward about what I need and for her to truely hear me.

I hope that your T can do the same.

((((((ECHOES))))))

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I don't know how to go to tomorrow's session.

Can you go and be proud of yourself that you let her know how inconsistent you found her comment? I bet she is proud of you. Next step is to be able to talk to her about it when it happens, instead of waiting until later and phoning. I think you're doing great, ECHOES. I think it interesting that you are finding your T much more engaged in the topic of renewed contact with your friend than you are. I bet she will find it interesting that you see that in her and it will help her look at herself to see if she is following her path or yours.

Courage for tomorrow. Just walk through the door, and it will be OK.

[MissCharlotte]

I've never an angry voicemail.

Congratulations! That was a big risk and you show your bravery by engaging. You have entered into another realm of the relationship....

Once, after leaving several very angry voice messages I was afraid to face him again, like you. I danced around the conversation--feeling him out and finally he said "I think you're trying to ask if I am pissed off at you." I think I probably just stared at him. It's as if I keep expecting something BIG to happen next but it never does.



Even if she is pissed off at you she still loves you--she is still T!

Hi Echoes!

I was thinking of it like this: I don't think your T will be mad at you for the angry voicemail because she told you that you were "dropping down walls." If you left her an angry voicemail and you were honest with your emotion there, then you were definitely not putting up a barrier.

I think you are brave for taking this risk and it will be of value as far as processing it with her. Maybe you have reached a new level in your relationship with her where you don't feel uncomfortable.