[hangingon]

I have been reading alot on here latey of the different experiences that people have with their T.

I was very surprised to see how many here actually have Male therapists, in fact it seems like they have the closest relationships with their therapists.

I have never thought about seeing a male T, I guess it made me feel really uncomfortable having been abused by men in the past. However, the more I think of it, maybe thats the route I should have went, to really see that there are trust worthy men out there.

Just wondering how many of you have had experiences with both male and female T, and which one you perferred most. Also why they were most comfortable, or what is it that you like about them most?

Pardon my title goof up lol, I have no idea if that can be edited
Hangingon

I have had experience with Ts of both genders. However I did go to therapy with my female T about 10 years ago (and stayed with her for about two years) so I have a completely different understanding of the therapeutic relationship now.

I did not really pick my 1st T. She was suggested to me by my primary doc, and my mother actually saw this T (she had terminated by the time I started). So I didn't really even entertain the thought of choosing a T-- the problems I had at that time came on very suddenly and intensely-- so I just wanted to start treatment as soon as possible.

When I think of her (and I learned about 6 months ago that she passed away) it with the most tender feelings. Not only did she set the foundation of skills which helped me to overcome my panic disorder, but she was the person who I wanted to model myself after by becoming a therapist myself.

I wanted to be her daughter. It was natural, as a lot of my problems centered around my relationship with my mother.

As I got older, I gravitated towards men so much that I refused to see any female professional (I have all male doctors, and I am disappointed when I find out that the professor for a class I am taking is female). It seems obvious that this would happen, as I was continuously disappointed by my mother and intensely bonded to my dad.

When I moved to Philly and decided to start therapy again, I called up an agency and the intake person asked if I had any specifications. "Just make sure the therapist is male," I told her.

I cannot even fathom the idea of opening up and connecting to a female T. A big part of my therapy is playfulness and banter, which I could never see doing with a woman. I also know that I have negative views towards women in general, so I'd rather talk about that with a male T than end up having those feelings as a barrier to connecting with a female T.

Part of me has opened up a little bit to women-- my marriage therapist is a woman (I thought it would be much better this way) and my therapy mentor/consultant is also a woman.

I still refuse female doctors or psychiatrists. I created, and run, the Men's Group at the outpatient facility in which I work.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by hangingon

I have been reading alot on here latey of the different experiences that people have with their T.

I was very surprised to see how many here actually have Male therapists, in fact it seems like they have the closest relationships with their therapists.

I have never thought about seeing a male T, I guess it made me feel really uncomfortable having been abused by men in the past. However, the more I think of it, maybe thats the route I should have went, to really see that there are trust worthy men out there.

Just wondering how many of you have had experiences with both male and female T, and which one you perferred most. Also why they were most comfortable, or what is it that you like about them most?

Pardon my title goof up lol, I have no idea if that can be edited
Hangingon

I had a female T in the past that was not-so-great.
I currently have a male T in the present.
I think there is a larger number of male therapists than female, but the success of any T relationship is based on the fit between client and therapist, not on gender. The skill of the T must also be taken into account. I think you should see whatever gender of T makes you more comfortable. For me I don't care either way, but I think I get along better with my T who is a male--this is entirely based on my previous T's personality, not her gender.

I think there are more females who see therapists because males haven't quite caught up with it yet-but I see this changing, especially since more males are diagnosed with ADHD and it is becoming socially acceptable (I cringe at "social acceptance" for health problems) for males to see therapists for ADHD (largely considered amongst men as an "acceptable, safe" diagnosis, vs. depression for instance). Hence, we are more likely to see women posting on here about male T's and female clients.

There are plenty of trustworthy men out there, but you don't need to have a male T to show that to you.

[hangingon]

Well you hit an interesting topic Pink.
Something I never really gave thought to. I typically chose a female doctor ,and if I ever have to go for a pap, the doctor has to be female. When I was 14 I went for a pap, because of concern, and the doctor was a huge male, he scared the crap out of me, especially after having been sexually abused when I was younger.

However, growing up I always wanted a new mom, I know, terrible thought. More because my mom was always there, but never there, if that makes sense. Emotionally she was just never available. One memory that has always stuck in my head was when I was 8, I was so sick with the flu and I had asked her if she could help me up the stairs to the bathroom and she said your a big girl, you can do it yourself. I remember dragging myself up the stairs with my head spinning because I was so sick. In that moment, it was like something hit me, and I was so extrememly hurt by her response. Not sure why it hit me so bad at that point but it did.
(My mom did change over the years, stopped using drugs and cleaned herself up, yet emotionally she still was not totally there. Now I realize that her mom was exactly the same way with her. She was doing what she knew best, something I want to change in my life. I really learned to love my mom through the years and I realize she loved me to, she just didn't know how to show it)

Anyways, here is the strange thing. If I have a male professor I am completely fine, I can talk with him ect. But give me a female instructor and I am so nervous. I will raise my hand in class to ask a question but if I had to go up and talk to a female professor face to face, I hate it. Yet with a male I am fine.

On the other hand, I hang out with females much more. It's just an interesting dynamic that I have not quite figured out yet.

It could very well be that I always felt this need to please my mom and well with instructors it involves work. Who knows...

I do have a female T, and she is great, very professional. However, I sometimes feel that coldness, though she's probably not cold at all. It's the whole she's there, but not there emotionally. Same dynamic as growing up I guess.
If I ever switch T, maybe I will search out a male. Just to see where that dynamic takes me.

Simcha, you are correct, the whole fit in T is huge. Sometimes I think it takes the experience to know what you really need.

The T I have now is my first T ever. I never researched, just contacted a center someone had told me about , gave them some info and she is who they set me up to see. So in that sense, I have no experience, which is why I like to hear how other people went about finding their T.

I did have a little breakthrough this week in therapy, I hope this one is longer lived.

Like you said stated with your first T Pink, You learned something valuable from her.
Each experience serves as a building block for the future.

Hangingon

[Rapunzel]

My current T is female, and she has helped me much more than any of the other 7 ever did. But I avoided female therapists for a long time. I think I was afraid of them. And a lot of my issues have to do with my mother and my sister, so I guess that makes sense. Now I would rather have female professionals, instructors, mentors, etc. I think I have some tendency now to avoid men, but there are also men that I work well with and learn a lot from. It scares me a little to have male clients, but I'll get over that too. My next internship placement just may turn out to be at a residential treatment facility for boys.

[sunrise]

hangingon, my first T was a woman, and I saw her off and on for about 9 months. I found her through my employer's EAP, and they gave me 3 names only, all female. I felt I didn't want a male because I was really devastated by my husband's betrayal and was so hurt, I just didn't want a male. Later, after I stopped seeing my female T (who was fine, but I didn't bond with her or anything, she just couldn't help me move forward), my sister pushed me to go see another therapist that she had heard about, who is my current T, a male. I was hesitant for the same reason as before, but I was feeling stronger so decided to meet him. We bonded instantly and intensely, and the fact that he is male has never been a problem. In fact, I think that his being male has been very healing for me, because I have formed this caring and trusting close relationship with a male, so it has helped me get over this distrust of males caused by my H's treatment of me. I am not sure I could have gotten the same degree of healing from a female no matter how good she was.

When I was looking for a T, one of the requirements was that he be male. I briefly considered a female - but my main abuser was my mom, and the thought of OPENING UP to a female just freaked me out. I couldn't imagine it working.

After I started T, I realized that I had some serious man issues to work out (not the least of which was being SA by a male counselor in the past) and I think being with T has been really, REALLY healing around all of that. Just learning that we can be close, and I can be loved, and that nothing else is expected of me has been huge.

Now that I have been with T for a year, Teacher T has come along and she is a woman. When I started T, I actually said to him "maybe I'll see you for a year and then switch to a woman" - so it's weird that it's worked out this way. T has taught me to accept love and caring, and it's helping me to accept the caring that comes to me from Teacher T - I am positive a year ago I would have just started running and never looked back!

So, right now I get the experience of having both, male and female. T likes that.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by pinksoil

...I cannot even fathom the idea of opening up and connecting to a female T. .....

Interesting thread.
i can't imagine opening up to a male T. I don't know much about transference but on the female side there would only my Mom, although major issues, but a crowd on the male side, my dad & stepdad, and then there's another whole list.

[Brian37]

around my area female therapists outnumber males like 10 to 1...

I read somewhere that no man ever seeks to become a social worker or therapist, but ends up there because he failed to make it PhD or MD status...now whether thats a bunch of bull is open for discussion..

My old therapy complex was 6 women...no men

My new complex has 3 women and 1 man....and believe it or not...the male therapist does not accept female clients...I found this out after noticing no women ever were called back to his room, so I inquired with my therapist and she said he had no desire to see female clients because they "took forever" to get anything accomplished....that was her exact words

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Brian37

.... she said he had no desire to see female clients because they "took forever" to get anything accomplished....that was her exact words

wooo! Sounds like the guy my sister saw, years ago.

I will give thanks for my T, she is very patient with me (i need it)

[hangingon]

Wow Brian, can't believe he would say that, emmm wonder if he belongs in the field of T, talk about discriminating lol....
I'm glad I would never have to see him, he's probably right though, I've been going 11 months already and only now just started to open up. I think alot of women have reason to move slowly, he just doesn't have a clue

Sittingatwatersedge, I am in the same boat, but I often wonder whether seeing a male T would actually be a good dynamic for me in the long run.

I guess it really does depend alot on connection with the T. Sometimes I wonder if its actually connection, or if we were finally at the point of wits end and the floodgates started to open allowing that connection. You know you were at a place where you were ready to face these things in a sense.

Hangingon

[MissCharlotte]

My first therapist was a woman. I saw her four 3-4 years and we had a very solid relationship. However, in retrospect I know that it was not even anywhere near as close as I am now with T, who is a guy.

I have figured out that the first therapy was supportive but not necessarily an attachment. I am so attached to my T now. I also know that this is all because my mother was a distant/detached/dissociated person. My father was a drunk who sobered up when I was 12 but I can conjure up memories of him hugging me. I think I was more attached to him, and that is why I have become so attached to and am able to do the deep work I am doing with T now.

OH, by the way, I like female physicians but I have a male Pdoc. Go figure.

[chaotic13]

All of my health care providers are men, I work in an all male department, most of my favorite teachers were male, and until recently most of my friends were male. I guess I just never really felt comfortable around other women. I have a lot of anxiety associated with being evaluate or touched by either gender but is it definitely a lot worse when the person evaluating me is a women. When first choosing a therapist I could not decide if I should choose a male or female... so I left the choice up to chance and I ended up with a female T. I sometimes wonder if I might have been better off seeing a male T. I have struggled a lot to make a connection with my T and learning trust...But then again, I feel like I am making progress so maybe I'm exactly where I am supposed to be.

[birdonthewire2008]

Here's a twist. I chose a gay/feminist oriented man as my first therapist. I have serious trust issues with women, so didn't want to see a female, and am just threatened enough by many straight men that this seemed the best way to go. (I'm a straight female.) And it was, for as far as we got before we had to discontinue.

I erroneously thought that T2 was also a gay male, based on a few things in his written bio. I was incorrect, but by the time I figured that out, I decided he had skills that I needed/wanted, so that was ok.

[Gracey]

I prefer male therapists, doctors, dentists, etc.

My primary abuser and the facilitator of other abuse was a woman. I don't typically deal well with women due to this fact. In the work place even, I'm much more comfortable with men than I am with women.

No male therapist in his right mind is ever going to reach over and pat me on the leg and tell me, "Everything is going to be ok." They tend to keep physical boundaries much better than women who for some reason seem to have a need to touch constant. Even if they don't touch ME, they're touching the arm of the couch next to me, the pillow, the coffee table in front of me. . .all of which are still an invasion of MY space and all of which are not welcome. In my experience, men tend to keep professional distance, waiting and then ASKING, "Is it alright if I touch your hand? May I sit next to you?" and so on.

However, I am currently seeing a female T at the moment. I walked into her office with a LIST though. Have seen her twice so far, and she stays on her side of the room.

[hangingon]

My T is a female and she never touches me, nor has she ever asked to, then again I have kept it pretty together in there so she hasn't seen me on edge yet. Although she is practically off the edge of her seat sometimes.

I have no idea if she would try to touch me, if she wanted to sit next to me, I would not oppose it, but I don't think I would ever ask her to either.

This is my first experiement with a T, I just figured they were not suppose to touch, that is until I came to this board and read that lots of therapists do.

I guess in my mind a T touching would cause you bond better with T, which is good, but perhaps not the best either because it could cause you to be too attached and I would think that would make it harder to seek this outside of therapy and even more difficult to part with T one day.

I don't know thats just something I think about alot, especially for individuals who never had affection growing up.
Any thoughts......

Hangingon