perspective

This week's T session was difficult for me. I didn't know what to say. I finally told him I didn't know what to say, and he said I could take it any number of ways, it was up to me.

He had asked me to consider writing something down that had been a problem for me so I could tell him about it. I did write it down, so I decided to try to tell him about it because he would rather i speak than give him something to read. He warned me we only had a few minutes left, so I wouldn't get too upset about something and then have to leave, so then I decided to just give him the thing I wrote and he did read it. I only wrote part of it, I said I would try to write the other, more difficult part this week.

I wrote the other part today. It was so hard to do. I have never told anyone about it. I think I can trust him, but lord am I worried about sharing it with him. Someone said in another post they try to think of T as just a guide as they speak their truth, which helps them not worry too much about what he thinks. I really liked that. I am trying to remember that.

Thanks for listening.

vienna

dear Vienna,
here is the whole quote from Dr Lloyd Richmond said - my slight paraphrase to avoid some pretty triggering words -

Keep in mind a very basic principle of psychotherapy. You do not speak of your past in therapy so that your therapist can understand what happened; you speak so that you may hear yourself speaking the truth about your own life. In the process of therapy, you will become so familiar with, and so understanding of your pain, that you will also become immune to its shame; so that eventually your traumas will become just bare facts, which you can look at without anger, without hidden resentments, without a desire for satisfaction ... and then you will know that you are healed.

I am soooo not there yet.... but it's a goal, right?

Therapy is hard work and some times there is a lot of "blank" time where I don't know what to say. I'll even say to my T: I don't know what to say. She may even ask "do you want me to nudge you along or do you want to talk about some thing else"? Some times it helps, other times not so much.
Hope this helps and hang in there!
Angel

One way that got me so I trusted T more and didn't worry so much about what she thought was to picture her sitting beside me, like a friend, instead of across from me (like a teacher or judge, etc.). When I imagined T that way, like she was "on my side" then it got easier to talk about the touch stuff.

My husband is good about that; whenever I'm critisizing him or having a hard time letting him help me with something, he'll exclaim, "We're on the same team! We're on the same side!" When you get used to looking at most people as "against" or different from one is, it gets hard to remember that some are truly trying to help. Figuring that out about T was really helpful to me when she couldn't be helpful! That she wanted to be, was trying, I could give her "credit" for that and take comfort in her intense listening, even when she didn't say/do anything that seemed to be helping.