Today was the deepest, most connecting session I ever had. To describe it is difficult because it is one of those experiences so deeply rooted in feeling, that words cannot do it justice. But I will certainly try.

Funny thing was that it was an EMDR session. I have done EMDR in the past, but in comparison to what it was centered on today (my father), the issues processed in the past are very light in comparison. I have always been a little turned off by EMDR (even though I really like the process and it does work) because I always thought it took away from the connection between me and my T. I hate the buzzers, I hate the headphones with the beeps. We usually don't use those. T is extremely sensitive to this, as he knows how important it is for me to be in the EMDR element, but still maintain my connection with him.

Today I followed his hand. He doesn't wave his finger back and forth in front of me. He just makes soft movements with his hand, about three movements at a time, and I follow with my eyes.

We were in the city office, which he just started working in 4 weeks ago. started off by saying, "I know you are not yet grounded in this office. I'm not either! So we are in the same boat. But it's okay. It's just me and you."

So then we started. I was scared. The images of my dad were tained by intrusive, scary versions of him. T spoke so softly and gently. His voice was hypnotizing. He kept saying, "It's okay. I'm here. You are here with me." Then it started to work differently. He said to let the images go wherever I wanted them to. So they began to flow. I found myself feeling as though I was travelling through different experiences that I had with my dad, through different periods in my life. I would tell T about them as I felt them. Tears were streaming down my face. It was at this point that I saw T reach for a tissue and wipe his eyes. At that moment, I knew there were no more questions about T feeling along with me. No more questions about T caring. No more questions of empathy. They were all answered for me right then. The EMDR came to a gentle stop and we looked in each others' eyes. For the last few minutes of the session, he remained completely attuned with me, with this look on his face, half sadness, but with this small, gentle smile that just said so much. To me it said, "I am as connected to you, as you are to me, right now."

I see him again on Thursday. Wow.

[deliquesce]

wow. thank you so much for sharing that. what a special session.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((pink)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

That still, deep, beautiful, real connection with T is one of the most amazing and healing parts of therapy. It's so hard to put into words (but you did it).

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((((( pinksoil )))))))))))))))))))))

wow, that sounds very powerful, I am glad that you have such a good connection with your T.

what an intense experience!

my therapist cried long before i was able to...we were sharing some nasty memories and all of a sudden she is crying...well that sort of stopped the memory right in its tracks and sent us into full panic...

the adult felt like "oh crap! we made her cry...that's not good...never had that happen before...now what do we do???"

our child alter went..."oh crap....dr is crying...we made her sad she's not ever going to let us back....dr is crying"

yeah it threw us for a major loop...now we know better...she cries easily..it still catches us offguard but it does validate our stuff. we are not good at crying yet..years of not letting the bastards win by seeing a tear are etched into us but we are slowly letting those walls down.

[phoenix7]

thankyou for sharing that it is good to know there are people out there who care about us at any time but especially when we are in pain - I am glad you have found such a great T and that you were able to share your experiences in a safe environment with someone you obviously trust

I am all weird about going tomorrow because I want to tell him 3049823049823 things, but at the same time, I want to do EMDR again.

However, I know it is really important to share what occurred after EMDR, post-session. I had very positive results (which obviously came from a combination of the EMDR and the depth of the connection with T), and then the feeling changed when I had a negative experience with my H. In addition, I want to process the connection that T and I shared, and also talk about the sadness he shared along with me.

I didn't say much about his sadness. Just at the end of the session I told him, "You got sad, too." He said, "I did. But it's in my contract... I'm allowed to get sad." At that point we were smiling at each other, and he usually ends the session with a bit of humor because it helps me to not walk out of there feeling empty, or wanting to punch a wall. However, for this particular session, there was no way I would have walked out feeling empty or angry.

[MissCharlotte]

he usually ends the session with a bit of humor

My T does this too quit often, providing he's not in his crabby *** mood.

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

My T does this too quit often, providing he's not in his crabby *** mood.

Oh your T gets crabby? This is the first I have heard of this.

[coconut64]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

My T does this too quit often, providing he's not in his crabby *** mood.

MC my T gets crabby too....do you thiks it's a psychoanalytic skill they are taught???????????????????????????

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by coconut64

MC my T gets crabby too....do you thiks it's a psychoanalytic skill they are taught???????????????????????????

definately - its listed just under the "dont run screaming from the room when they tell you somthing crazy" skill LOL