Empty. Really tough night.

my mum died suddenly a few years ago - I used to ring her on and off but always on the holidays and birthdays - it sucks doesnt it when you cant talk to them anymore -

my dad died a few months after - his death was expected - cancer - but i remember he used to send me flowers every year for my birthday - i miss seeing them - it reminds me he is gone - for all that he did he was still my dad, its hard to miss someone - they leave a hole in your soul -

my year stops in sept - thats when she died - oct her birthday, nov his, and the anniv of my straw breaks the camels back moment - dec my birthday when i still dont get cards from them - go figure then its christmas and the new year when i wont hear from them or be able to ring them -- I talk to them in my head (well you already knew i was crazy ) I have a picture of my mum near the front door so i see her when i come in - she's smiling at me and i know she would want me to survive just like your dad would want you to survive,

it hurts so much and its only right that it does, try to think of happy memories - I know its hard but it sometimes helps - I am so glad you have your mum, maybe talkingwith her or visiting if thats possible? would help -take care of yourself P7 (I hoep you get in touch with your T soon - )

Four months is a brief amount of time for dealing with the passing of a parent. Both of mine are gone. If you were so close, it will be harder. There are no formulae.

I think we here sometimes get tunnel vision about each other because what we know about each other is limited and generally focused on the therapy side of our lives. The rest is a bit of mystery.

((((((((PINK)))))))))

Your other post regarding your past educational experience--dropping out of community college repeatedly (due to problems), and then to getting your Masters and currently enrolled in a PhD--is inspiring. Having similar past problems in college myself, I know how difficult that had to be. I'm also really glad that your going to be a psychologist, as we REALLY need good ones right now. There's lots of people hurting right now who need someone that truly can understand. When you've been there yourself and overcome it, your insight has REAL meaning. It won't be canned goods when it comes from you.

In one respect, it's a good thing that no one can "fill the hole" left behind when someone we are close to dies. It means that they were a unique individual, and that no one can take their place. No one can take your father's place because he was special. It's comforting, but also very sad. What suggestions would your father give you at a time like this? What would he say to do under these circumstances?

Personally, I'd try working on quality friendships with people (vs. quantity). Strengthen bonds. We should always have more than one person we can count on in times of need (and even to just pass the time with). Maybe you can try again to break through that wall that your mother has erected. I'm not sure of your situation there, but don't quit trying different angles. People can and do grow over time, and even if she hasn't, it couldn't hurt to try. At least, that's what I would do in your situation.

I'm not sure if that was helpful at all, but I hope there was some value to it. Hang in there Pinksoil.

I know that you have a husband and you have said many times things that led me to believe that you aren't that close to him. I meant close connections not just connections.

You were in therapy before your dad died. This means that you have issues, issues that certainly can complicate your grief.

I didn't say that close relationships with others would replace the relationship that you had with your dad. Other close relationships would help you to not overly depend on that relationship with your dad.

Pinksoil,

When we lose the person who was our primary connection in life (then AND now) it takes as long as it takes to work through the loss. The deep sadness and grief you are feeling should not be construed as over-dependence. And the fact that you were in therapy before your loss is a blessing really, because you had someone to call when you experienced this crisis. AND you are able to rely on the therapeutic relationship to sustain you (unreturned phone calls aside). Use that relationship for all you can.

Take care of you.