Attachment

OMG I am trying so hard to figure out how my attachment pattern with my mom has influenced my attachment with T. I am book shopping because I want to understand this whole attachment thing.

What I know:

My mom was dissociated most of the time, (and so am I but hopefully not as much).
I am 19 months younger than my brother--the only boy and the object of her constant fawning.
I am a middle child of five
My mom worked full time from the time I was 6 and left me in the care of an abusive grandmother, not a good situation.

I had the worst freaking experience today--got stuck in traffic and could only see T for 15 minutes. IT'S NOT FAIR. We talked on the phone while I was in the car but I got progressively more panicked. Finally I got there and went in for a fifteen minute session.

HE SAID: Miss, It's time you developed some constancy with me and who I really am, rather than fall back into the relationship you had with your parents. (or something like that) He also said blah blah blah -- LOL

I SAID: Give me your magic wand.

OMG I LOVE HIM. BUT I NEED TO UNDERSTAND THIS .

ECHOES: DID YOU read that book you were going to buy about attachment?
Would you recommend it?

Oh, and I just watched the movie Amelie (with subtitles). It's the most beautiful film -- and I think it's about attachment, so who needs therapy?

Gee- am I manic or what?

awww ((((((((((((((Miss))))))))))))))

i think the secret t police have sent around some kind of memo... it seems they are all pulling the "too attached" or "constancy" card.

I just think its a great relationship yo have wiht your T - and the 15 mins thing grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!! Universe what are you playing at - that was T time not stuck in car going panicky time!

Havnt read any books on subject so cant help there - take care P7

What would that look like? Do you know what he is talking about?

I'm sorry you had such a short session. Traffic. GRRRRRRRRRR.

15 minutes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

I panic when I am 5 minutes late because of traffic...I would have freaked!

It IS hard to believe they are really there. That the relationship is real, that they don't change between appointments, that we will still matter to them the next time we walk through the door.

I'm starting to believe that stuff....but it feels risky. Attachment is such a risk.

EM you couldn't have said it better, thank you.

(((((((((((((((((((((((MC))))))))))))))))))))

oy, don't get me started about traffic. i live in la.

glad to hear you had a good albeit short session

here's an article by the author of an excellent book i have on attachment called...attachments. shoot, it looks like the book is out of print. just so you know, the book is written from a christian perspective but not the article.

i love that movie

lol

(((((((MissCharlotte)))))))

Thank you so much for having the courage to post about this...I too have been struggling with my feelings of attachment to my T. I had wanted to post about it but was too scared and it felt too tender to be out there...

Reflection: thank you for posting the article...

From what I have read and understand (of course there are so many schools of thought) attachment bonds in T mimic those of our original bonds. The goal of therapy is to have the "emotionally corrective experience" of having a different, non shaming, bond with a person and to experience "healthy attachment". Additionally, a goal may be to go through the steps named in Reflection's article in order to 'correct' the attachment style we have. And healing only happens through grieving the attachments we did not have and having a different experience.

My current therapy life has taken on this theme... Healing the trauma so I can attach to others in a healthy way...

I have been terribly unnerved by my STRONG attachment to my T lately. I spent a bit of time researching her particular training in psychotherapy to see how much of a freak she will think I am for having such a strong attachment. Luckily, her particular discipline underlines that the attachment between the T and client be strong and mutual. Crisis averted. I am planning on bringing it up in the next session. I just feel as though my feelings need to be out there and we need to talk about it.

Thanks again for posting this. It is an important topic that deserves exploration.

And hugs to everyone else who is struggling in this same area

~Searching

How many of you actually talk about attachment issues in your therapy? Everytime I read one of these articles, I think damn I have some issues with attachment. But my T has never mention anything directly about attachment. I don't know. I feel like I am totally going through therapy totally ignorant of the treatment I'm getting. Maybe I'm just choosing to be ignorant.

Lol chaotic,
I was wondering the same thing. Like if I felt like I was starting to attach to my T, there would be no way I could actually tell her that.

In my mind I have this fear that it's a bad thing and that she would think it was weird. That I should be doing this with people outside of therapy.

hangingon

Only recently has my T been more outright with this stuff. And at that she really is still very vague...She recommended some books, which I read. The bottom line was basically that due to my effed up childhood my ability to relate with others in a healthy way was severely compromised. And that is where we are today... The actual phrase "attachment issues" has not been spoken out loud...

Yes, this exactly. But, in actuality, is it the most necessary thing? Okay... so maybe not the most necessary...But is it a key ingredient? That is what I am wondering...

ME TOO! Heck the first drawing I shared, I left her chair empty. Included her steaming coffee mug...but she wasn't there. In discussing another picture I shared ... it took 10 minutes of prodding about who a figure might represent before I finally mumble "it could me you."

Exactly! or I should not need be ATTACHED.

I think my major problem is in my warped head there is only one type of attachment and I'm not interested in being attached that way. This is another one of those intellectually knowing but not really understanding it.

http://www.richardatkins.co.uk/atws/page/5.html This is a link to the Attachment Theory website.

Heres my opinion on the attachment thing.

They won't think its weird and it's an important part of your therapy. You need to attach to your therapist. Just go with it, be honest, and don't worry about it.

We have never used the word attachment in therapy or discussed it, except in very concrete terms about specific people and situations. But we have discussed our relationship, how close we are, how we bonded so quickly, etc. We don't talk about how having a healthy attachment in the therapeutic relationship is healing or anything like that. We have talked about how I have been abandoned many times in my life and it has caused much pain. But I was able to attach very quickly and strongly to T, so I guess all those prior experiences didn't prevent me from attaching to him. He really made it easy. I would be far more guarded with a normal (non-T) person out in real life. From what I have read of attachment theory, my style of attachment is called "fearful-avoidant." (Considering that my H was a "dismissive-avoidant", our marriage was a recipe for disaster.) In my relationship with T, I have not replicated my fearful-avoidant pattern, perhaps because of his responsiveness and skill. I feel securely attached to him. It is very healthy. One time I remember T saying, about us, as he made a big, inclusive gesture with his arm, "this is health." That really made me feel good, like hurray, I did it!

This review has a nice summary of the 4 attachment styles in adults:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults

We've never discussed this stuff but I go by what feels healing to me, and the relationship with him feels healing. I don't know how much you need to know, really, to be able to discern what is and isn't healing. I also don't think of my T as providing "treatment." That seems more like the medical model. I think of the two of us as engaged in therapy together rather than him doing something to me (a treatment).

What do you guys consider "being attached to T" or in other words how do you know when you are finally attached to T??????????

((((MissC))))

What a day! I'm glad T could be there with you through the traffic, but I would be so crushed to lose the face to face time.

Attachment is an interesting topic. I don't have any books to recommend, but I can give you my take on it. For a great overview, check out Wikipedia, they have a dozen or so different entries about attachment and related ideas.

It finally clicked for me one day thinking back to my first memory. I was able to look at myself as a child -- from a third person perspective and understand how sad it was to not have that connection with my mother. A child needs their parents, and we want to please them. How did I receive attention from my mother...what was I doing?

For me, being the helper, and attending to her needs was how I got attention. So, it is difficult to believe that someone I'm *not* helping will value me. I can clearly see this pattern in my life. I do not think this is a bad aspect of myself, but it was definitely out of balance.

Take the time to really look back at your childhood, and think of it from an adult observer's perspective. How is that child (you) being trained to interact with other people? When is that child getting attention? What is that child learning about relationship, and what it takes to get love?

I warn you, this can be very sad to consider. Remember that the child (you) was innocent and deserved nothing less than unconditional love and compassion while she encountered this world. Grieving for that past is important.

The idea is to slowly become more and more aware of how your relationship with your primary care giver, particularly in the earlier years, is playing out in the present day. It is quite empowering to *choose* not to respond, knowing that you don't have to carry the burden of your caregiver's mistakes.

T is there to be the supportive caregiver you didn't have growing up. Attachment issues have been proven to be correctable so that people can go on to form more trusting an intimate relationships. This is NOT a disease, but something we can change in our lives.

Miss C, I do not at all blame you for being upset for missing most of your session. What might it feel like if next time you're upset you let T comfort you?

All, IMHO, but I offer it in the hopes that it might help.

i think i've heard the various schools of thought within psychology differ as to how much focus there is on the attachment/relationship with the therapist. one of the professionals around here would probably know a lot more about this than i.

it's weird, i've only seen my new therapist 3 times and i am already being very helped whereas i've done years of therapy with other therapists that didn't really help at all. i specifically picked someone who was psychodynamic in orientation as i know they focus on the therapeutic relationship a lot. i think i just really click with this lady because we seem to have so much in common and her therapeutic approach is very helpful. i think it is the combination, but i tend to think the attachment is a key ingredient. just my 2 cents.

I get this and sometimes I see therapy this way as well. I think I like to revert to a purely clinical model because it is more familiar, less attached. I recognize that I am more attached to my T than I like to admit. I think she is nice, I now look forward to going, and even though it triggers me sometimes something deep inside takes comfort in curling up in the corner of the ugly couch and being heard.

never, never, never. And I don;t especially feel attachment for T; my "transference" seems to be of the negative kind, more likely. yikes.

boinggg... me too. I don't think it's choosing to be ignorant though; it's just a darned complex process. some of the things I read are so convoluted they make my head spin.

I have a feeling that the important parts of treatment are unspoken and personal.

I have tearfully talked to T about my attachment to him. In a burst of honesty one day, in fact,I told him everything - that I want him to love me, that I want to be his favorite, etc.

I used to tell him that I needed him and it made me angry and fearful. I hated that feeling. He is SO patient and consistent and steady, that now I know it is okay to need him, and he will be there (at least during my appt time )

He told me in a therapy relationship, we are BOTH attached, it goes both ways. He makes it clear that he cares about me too.

What a hard topic to talk about though! I'm almost afraid to think or write about it too much, because it all feels so tentative - like I *know* me, and I know I can switch to "he doesn't care about me, therapy doesn't matter, I don't matter" in a matter of seconds.

I will say though, that the periods during which I feel securely attached seem to be getting longer, and the scary times of "this isn't real, he doesn't care, etc" seem to be shorter and more spread out. Progress!!

Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful responses. Wow, I feel like we have at least 3 different attachment conversations going on here.....

It seems like a lot of people here are surprised or unaware or frightened about the attachment to T. I am anxious about it, but accepting. I think that deserves it's own thread, so I might bump this topic over to a new one.

My post was intended to start a discussion about how our primary relationships with our mothers has affected our relationships with our therapists. That is what I seek to understand right now.

Spotted Owl--I think your response entertained that topic--thanks. I was able to "get" the idea of looking at your child self from a different perspective. T has used the term "observing self." I am beginning to try to do that--but often get swept up in the feeling state associated with the child part of me. I was frequently dissociated as a child so I do not have a lot of memory of being with my mother. In fact, the truth is, I don't have any memories of being with her, other than one or two really vague memories of when I was about 3-4 and one solid one when I was 5.

Yes, it is truly difficult and painful work for this reason. I think I was alone so much.

My attachment with T often feels so intense. It is much easier for me to talk to him on the phone than it is to talk to him in person. And I think that is because it's actually painful to connect in person probably because of how little time I spent with my mother as well as the negative quality of the time we were together. So the work with T actually requires creating new neural pathways.

Do you see any correlation in the relationship you had with your mother and the relationship you have with T?

((reflection))

Thanks for the article. I read it last night and found it quite interesting.

it sure helps me. Thanks SpottedOwl!

Pinksoil,

THANK YOU~

This is a valuable resource--looks like loads of info all in one place. Thanks so much. I will pour over it for months to come I think.

Hope you are feeling a bit better today.

Take gentle care of yourself.