[hangingon]

Trigger warning mention of CSA >>>>>>>>

I was talking with T in session today and went into sharing more about my childhood, not the SA but issues around my dad and his abusiveness with my mom.

My T wants me to create a timeline, and include on it each of the houses I have lived in growing up. She want's me to talk about the rooms in the homes, what I remember about them ect. I told her that I honestly do not remember alot about the rooms in my home till I was almost 11 years of age. In fact I never remember a single bedroom until 11 years of age. She said thats understandable given the trauma's that I experienced in the home.

I was surprised when she mentioned to me that seeing my dad grab weapons and running with my mom away from him were trauma in themself to me. I never thought of it like that, I never even thought about me in those times, more about my mom, I worried alot for her.

I have been all over the place in T. I think I do it to avoid an issue that I have avoided for a long time, the sexual abuse.

I really do want to work through these issues. I told my T at the very end that next time I come in I will share with her my first memory of the sexual abuse when I was 5 years old. I was shaking just thinking about the thought of sharing it with her. I actually came out and told her I was shaking, she said can we do some deep breathing, I said no, I'm ok, it will pass. I'm such an idiot sometimes wanting to do everything myself.

She wants me to do the timeline so she can get an idea of how I got to where I am ect. That I think I can do but all of a sudden I am dreading that I told her I will share my first memory of abuse next session.

Have any of you ever had to do timeline in therapy before, if so did you find it helpful in putting things together for yourself?

[velcro003]

You know what one of the great things about therapy is? Even though you said you would tell her about your first sexual abuse memory next time, you do NOT have to! There probably is way more pressure in your head to do it, then from her. She seems to understand you and get where you are coming from, and I bet if you aren't ready to talk about it next session, or in the next 6 months, she'll be ok with that. I've never experienced any SA, but my T has told me time and again that it is ok if I don't want to talk about something right then, even if I am struggling to try. She knows it takes time, and as she put it a "big leap of faith"

[ECHOES]

((( hangingon )))

I haven't done a timeline for T. I tried one on my own but I don't remember much so it was just a boring dateline really.

I am remembering more as therapy continues, so that's good. She said that might continue and so we go on our merry way.

How you got to where you are is, like for each of us, complex and doesn't follow a straight line or chronological order. I wonder if the idea of the timeline might feel extremely revealing right now and maybe more revealing than you are comfortable with right now.

I have done that too--said at the end of session that I will tell her something the next time. It does get me nervous and sometimes regretful. But I know that I can change my mind before the next session and go in and say that I changed my mind, or just not talk about it after all because at that time I no longer want to talk about it right then. That's okay too. I think all these things come up eventually and when it's a good time. However, making the parting statement about what I will talk about next time has also been a good way to encourage myself to talk about something, and making that statement and getting T's acceptance right then seems to be some kind of important first step.. a pre-exploration approval.. and it can make me feel more at ease so I do end up talking about that issue/topic the next time after all.

You might want to talk about the timeline a while before you do it, or before you decide whether to share it with her.

i sat down once and tried to make up a timeline of all the abuse (well at least the major incidents) but there was so much...and it all sort of blurred together. it really frustrated me that i couldn't piece it all nicely into one smooth line..it's jagged, ugly and missing chunks and doesn't make alot of sense...but neither does all the abuse that took place.

sometimes people ask.."how much abuse was there exactly?" and at best the only answer i can come up with is to say.."well you know how at your house you ate dinner every night, well at mine there was abuse at night..." maybe thats not entirely accurate but thats the way it felt. i'm 50 now..and to try and go back and piece together the memories that are so severe that they caused me to develop DID and form some semblence of a timeline..well it ain't going to come up into a nice straight line.

it took me a long time to come to grips with that...and sometimes i have to remind myself to be gentle. i can't always give an exact age when something horrific happened..was it 4 or 5? i'm not exactly sure...the rings of hell kind of ran into each other. sometimes i can pit in down by which teacher i had in school, or what occurred on the way to college but other times there aren't enough clues to go by.

my therapist sometimes tries to get me to be specific to dates and ages but you know the mind does a good job at times when it works to protect itslef from harmful experiences by burying them deep inside.

if you can do a timeline and it helps, great, but if you can not then i would be gentle with yourself and take what memories you have and work with them.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by hangingon

Have any of you ever had to do timeline in therapy before, if so did you find it helpful in putting things together for yourself?

hi there, got my hand up. T and i went nowhere for almost a year... and then she asked me to write a timeline, and the whole therapy thing took a huge change in course & has really been working well ever since.

I drew a long line, from earliest memory to present day (for me it was a looong line), and marked off five year intervals.

Then I wrote a widely spaced list -
year ____, age 3
year ____, age 4
year ____, age 5
etc, to present year.

I stuck in the easy things first, Sept 11, 2001; dates of births / deaths / wedding / graduations / new jobs / moves etc
then I went back year by year. Age 4 - my Dad left us. Age 9 - oh yeah, I nearly drowned at camp. Age 36 - I finally came back to the Church - whatever. As I went on, it became easier to remember - houses we'd lived in, pets we'd had, all kinds of stuff was still in there that I had forgotten. I wrote good things and bad things. (Moving BTW is considered a bad thing because it cuts your social ties & safe routines).

Then I went back to the timeline and started making little hatch marks on it - marks above for good things, marks below for bad or stressful things. When I got done marking I took a look at it and POW! I was amazed to see the patterns.

T said, you are finally starting to make sense of your life. I will always be grateful to her for suggesting this exercise. Took me about 2 wks but it was really worth it IMO. good luck!!!!

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((( stumpy )))))))))))))))

I am so sorry. A lot of what you said sounds familiar. hugs to you

[hangingon]

Stumpy,
I am really sorry that you have been through so much to. I think back to when I was a child and for me it was horrible but I am not sure I even let that sink in when I was younger. I was pretty numb for the most part, lived in total denial. Working on it now s*cks. Reality kicking in is making things much harder at the moment.

Sittingatwatersedge,
Thank you for sharing your experience, it sounds like you worked really hard at putting yours together. Even gave me a few ideas because I really had no idea where to start. To look back and discover the past patterns I imagine would be very helpful when looking at todays behaviors as well.
Thanks

I want to thank all of you for your input and support. Your right, if I can't do it, I can't. I want to do this work and am hoping that I can but knowing that I don't have to do it right then relieves some of the stress of having to tell. Its probably best to let it come as it may.

I liked the idea of putting it out there though, challenging myself so to speak. My T looked at me after I told her I would share the first memory and said I am here and I will be here for you next week. Meaning what I say is not going to scare her away. That is a big fear that I have in sharing my story, which is why I don't share it with my friends.