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#1
Jan 21, 2009, 06:35 PM
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so, i've been trying out this "speaking about what you're really thinking and feeling thing" and it's getting me in trouble. i mentioned something to my male friend and was being lighthearted and humorous about it and we were bantering about it. then a few days later i get this email where he goes a bit ballistic on me. i finally realized it was probably prompted by my previous comments. geez, i think his buttons got majorly pushed by what i said and i didn't realize it nor intend that at all. now we're in a big ole conflict and boy do i hate conflict. i find it so difficult. we've only had one other big conflict before and i was a wreck. this time i decided to share again and tell him how i felt and was very vulnerable and now i'm wondering if that was a good idea. sometimes people respond very poorly to that and i just get hurt even more. he hasn't responded to any of my emails yet and of course i'm obsessing. i haven't been sleeping well either because my little barkaholic has been keeping up half the night lately. i was too tired to drive out for therapy today but am hoping we can do a phone session instead. ugh, i'm stressed and exhausted.
 how do you know when to be vulnerable and share your feelings with others and when not too? i obviously don't seem to get it. Last edited by Anonymous39281; Jan 21, 2009 at 08:54 PM. |
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#2
Jan 21, 2009, 09:46 PM
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feedback? anyone?
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#3
Jan 22, 2009, 12:16 AM
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I would try calling your friend. Seems like he got pissy for no reason, considering the delayed response. Or, you could be reading intent in his actions that isn't there. A lot of things can be lost in email translation. Personal phone call, take him out to coffee... either way, email is a bad way to solve problems. Is he more than a friend? If he won't be man enough to call you, then you do it. At least you could put the issue at rest, even if his response is less than wonderful. Someone has to be the responsible one, and it looks like your it! Real grown men don't make other people feel down when they express a vulnerability. The attraction to the type of man (or woman even) that would do this to you is something I would explore with your T, considering that it seems to keep happening to you. Call him and then let us know how he responded. 
__________________
--SIMCHA |
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#4
Jan 22, 2009, 12:19 AM
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Without info about what the topic(s) and affect/attitude/tone were, I can't really come up with anything meaningful to say.
Angry, mean-spirited, condescending, critical of him personally or of a "category type" that he is (gay, religion, ethnicity, education-level, etc..... At a loss here.
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out of my mind, left behind |
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#5
Jan 22, 2009, 06:17 AM
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yeah, he sort of got mad out of the blue but my comment seemed to trigger him. i thought it was harmless and had no idea. i tried to explain about what he was getting mad at me about. i think he misunderstood some things and i apologized for not being clearer. then, i sent him another email and told him i was really kind of hurt by how he said things. he was kind of harsh. i've heard nada. i guess he's in that dang cave you guys go into. what is in there anyway? someone needs to invent a cavecam.  Quote:
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#6
Jan 22, 2009, 06:54 AM
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well.. there is a danger to therapy... but not therapy itself, the change in you over time as you learn and grow... they will be "dangerous" to some people around you, yes.
some people will react to you and your new behaviours in bad ways because sometimes you will not get it quite right and yeah, it will upset someone maybe... but dont be hard on yourself, you are still trying to learn. What i would tell tihs person is that you are working hard at making changes in your life and you wanted to be more candid about your feelings/thoughts... and that you are not good at it yet. Explain that and how you never meant to hurt anyone. If he is a friend then he will understand... if he doesn't... well, then that is where the "danger" comes in. the danger... to be honest is that we will lose some friends as we change.. not because our growth is wrong in anyway, not even because we don't always handle it well... but because others can't handle our growth. Some people cannot accept change in themselves or anyone else. Some people will have you boxed into a category or role in their life and if you change, well that messes up their whole system. People will reat in all manner of ways... some will feel threatened somehow, some will react because your new found fearlessness will trigger their own fears... like a confident person triggers a nonconfident person.. and then maybe that nonconfident person tears down the other out of their own issues... make sense? becoming healthy will inevitably mean loss... sometimes people won't want the healthy you, they feel comfortable with the unhealthy you (and that's no good for you) so they find reasons to blame you and they storm off... but you will also sometimes choose to not be friends with someone anymore because you find their ways to not fit with your new healthier ways. it doesnt mean this friendship cant be saved... but you have to keep in mind that any real friend would allow you to screw up now and then because everyone does. don't know what you said or how... and it doesn't matter... if it really was bad, or it inadvertantly caused harm... then apologize and give some explanation about not intending to hurt him... then stop there. Don't keep doing it. You don't need to mention therapy or anything else either. Tell yourself that you were only trying to apply what you are learning and even if you did get it wrong (i don't know that you did or not) you weren't trying to hurt him. My T says the big difference is intent in most cases. so try to make ammends if you feel you really did mess you, don't if you don't feel you did anything wrong. then let it go we cannot take on the responibility for how others manage their "stuff." A mature, good friend will come around and you can work it out... letting it go means you can stop telling yourself negative things about what happened or about yourself. Outside of this one thing... were you a good friend to this person? give yourself a virtual hug... tell yourself you are a good person who is trying to learn new ways to be healthy you sound like a good friend and like you are doing what you can do...
__________________
   “This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.” -His Holiness, the Dalai Lama I will not kneel, not for anyone. I am courageous, strong and full of light. Find someone else to judge, your best won't work here. |
 Anonymous39281, phoenix7, Sannah
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#7
Jan 22, 2009, 09:45 AM
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"Therapy is dangerous" -- are you doing therapy with this person online at a distance of thousands of miles?
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Now if thou would'st When all have given him o'er From death to life Thou might'st him yet recover -- Michael Drayton 1562 - 1631 |
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#8
Jan 22, 2009, 10:14 AM
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What Candika said here is so very true. . .
the danger... to be honest is that we will lose some friends as we change.. not because our growth is wrong in anyway, not even because we don't always handle it well... but because others can't handle our growth. Some people cannot accept change in themselves or anyone else. Some people will have you boxed into a category or role in their life and if you change, well that messes up their whole system. People will reat in all manner of ways... some will feel threatened somehow, some will react because your new found fearlessness will trigger their own fears... like a confident person triggers a nonconfident person.. and then maybe that nonconfident person tears down the other out of their own issues... make sense? becoming healthy will inevitably mean loss... sometimes people won't want the healthy you, they feel comfortable with the unhealthy you (and that's no good for you) so they find reasons to blame you and they storm off... but you will also sometimes choose to not be friends with someone anymore because you find their ways to not fit with your new healthier ways. |
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#9
Jan 22, 2009, 11:54 AM
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Reflection, really it is all trial and error and a learning process. Misunderstandings between people are normal. Keepers will work through them with you..........
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Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| Anonymous39281
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#10
Jan 22, 2009, 03:19 PM
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I've been so blessed that I have a few really great friends. When I've felt like I wanted to share something on the deep side, they have responded really well. I'm kind of a follow-their-lead kind of person... when they start sharing their feelings, I'll then let a few of mine out and watch their responses closely. In thinking about it maybe its just a matter of creating the right environment for these exchanges to occur. For example...say sitting in the stands at a youth soccer game, is not a good place to share and flirt with vulnerability. But if you invite someone over to your house for dinner or a movie, the conversation might flow a bit deeper and you can test the waters. Where I don't seem to "get it" is with my H. Sometimes, I still try to share a little bit of something with him and usually get slammed in some way. I would be sexist and say... men are probably not the best to explore feeling sharing with, but this is not REALLY true. I've had some really wonderful male friends over the years that were really great listeners and non-judgers. I think maybe its a matter of taking a risk, putting a few little things out there and deciding to build from there. I can see where Internet correspondence would make navigating interpersonal relationships even more difficult because so much can be misinterpreted.
__________________
"Joy is your sole's knowledge that if you don't get the promotion, keep the relationship, or buy the house, it's because you weren't meant to.You're meant to have something better, something richer, something deeper, Something More." (Sara Ban Breathnach) |
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#11
Jan 22, 2009, 05:12 PM
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)
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#12
Jan 22, 2009, 05:17 PM
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 i don't know what he thought of my response to his complaints though. i'll probably bug him to respond to me even though i know he thinks about things forever. a couple of times he's come back 6 months later with a comment on something i've said. i'm thinking, wow, you've been thinking about that this whole time.
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#13
Jan 23, 2009, 01:11 AM
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You need to get out of the house and think about things other than what's wrong. It's easy to focus on whatever is wrong in life because depression is seductive and sucks us right in. I like soccer. When I was depressed I forgot that I liked soccer... then I saw a game on TV and it rocked my world. What do you like to do?
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--SIMCHA |
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#14
Jan 23, 2009, 01:14 AM
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You need to build relationships that are at home where you live, that have hope and substance and no cultural misunderstandings. You ever think of volunteering (for cash actually) at Americorps or something?
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--SIMCHA |
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#15
Jan 23, 2009, 03:14 AM
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#16
Jan 23, 2009, 02:37 PM
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__________________
--SIMCHA Last edited by Simcha; Jan 23, 2009 at 02:38 PM. Reason: spelling |
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#17
Jan 24, 2009, 07:56 AM
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so...even after reading everything I am wondering if you said something vulnerable about yourself to him or if you for better words tried to analyze things he was doing and became vulnerable that way.
Maybe I am wrong in giving advice but I would let the dust settle a little. One of my very favorite people and I had an argument and I did not realize all the other things that were going on in his life. I thought it was about me and what I said and in part it was but it also had to do with him. Time was what we both needed and also being willing to change things in our friendship to be healthier. I know this might sound wrong but...Sounds like your relationship given it is online is a little different but I just don't think that sending him emails all the time might be the best approach. Only you know but is it possible that you might be being obessive about him contacting you? |
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#18
Jan 24, 2009, 06:46 PM
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i'm sure you meant well but i didn't find your post very helpful... |
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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