[vienna]

i'm trying to decide if i should call T. We talked last week about how this is not a good time to be interacting closely with family. However, there is now a funeral I am considering whether or not to go to, and I need to make a decision by the end of the day tomorrow as to whether I will go. For some reason I am irrationally concerned he would be angry if I told him at session on Monday I had decided to go without consulting him, especially given our discussion last week. I have no idea why I think he would be angry, I've just come to that conclusion. So then I thought I should call him. I know he doesn't check his messages that often and i wonder if he would call back. I think I would be hurt if he didnt so I'm thinking not to bother, make my decision, and just report to him on Monday and take what comes. God, I feel irrational...

vienna

[deliquesce]

he's not going to be angry. he'll probably be proud that you went to a funeral, even though you knew it might be difficult in terms of dealing with family.

make your decision based on what *you* want to do, stick by it and see it through, and then tell him on monday what happened. i'm sure he'll be pleased with your decision either way.

[sunrise]

Can you try to separate T out from the decision you need to make, at least for a bit? Look inside and see if you want to attend this funeral, if you need to do it, if your presence will be meaningful to others there, even if not to you, etc. There could be many reasons you want to go and many to not go. Going to funerals is one way to honor the dead. If you were close to this person, or had a lot of respect or admiration for him/her, want to show honor or pay tribute, then those are good reasons to go. If your presence will somehow create a scene or anger or disturb others (there is some awful feud going on or something like that), then consider carefully. If you want to honor the dead but can't stand others who will be there, you can always attend the funeral and pay your respects, but leave quickly after the service and skip the social/eating part. If you can't make this decision without your therapist, then maybe a call would be helpful. But if you are only calling him because you are afraid he will be angry if you don't, I'm not sure that's a good reason to call!

At your session next week, it could be interesting to explore with your T why you thought he would be angry at you for making a decision on your own.

Good luck with your decision, and I'm sorry for the death in your family.

[imapatient]

You have to please yourself before you please others. T's shouldn't need to be pleased by their patients, or, more the case, they shouldn't be disappointed by their patient. T's shouldn’t have expectations that patients will do something for them. They might be pleased when a patient has done something--for appropriate reasons of being happy for you, but they shouldn't take it personally when a client acts in a way that she chooses. But it’s easy to want to please your T.

I vote for Not Irrational.

[vienna]

I hadn't realized this was people pleasing. Thanks for pointing that out. it's important for me to go, for personal reasons, so I will go. And I will make sure I have an out if I need one. Thanks!!

[sunrise]

Good job!
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