[MissCharlotte]

I have a family member who is a T. I am VERY close to her. When my son was first ill she was an invaluable source of information and support. (He is schizophrenic.) Frankly, I don't know what I would have done without her.
In fact, she was the one who suggested I might want to get some support for myself when he was ill because she recognized what was happening to me. (All of my childhood trauma flooded me during the crisis.)

Anyway, fast forward. I have been with T for two years and most of you know we have had some rocky times. I have talked to my family T on many occasions when I was in rupture with T or when I was just confused. She has helped me to understand the process without getting involved directly in my therapy. In fact I have called her sobbing, not knowing what to do or how to go back. I have always talked about her freely in therapy. This week I mentioned how I had called her last weekend when I was having intense suicidal ideation. T said, "you can't have dual therapy relationships." I told him I had been thinking about this issue as well. In fact, I wrote in my journal that all of a sudden I find the relationships are confused. I explained to him that I called her when I really needed to speak to someone right then and there and I couldn't get him on a Sunday morning. He said he understood and knew she was a valuable resource for me. He also said that he didn't want my relationship with her to dilute the work he and I are doing. I'm going to discuss this with him further on Thursday because I have concerns too. But, I love her and need to keep her close to me. She is the only one in my family or inner circle who "gets it." And I love her and need her nearby.

What do you guys think?

[kittykins9]

Miss Charlotte,
I am caught between two ts too. One my T that I surrendered to take care of my son for suicidality and major depression, and who I miss wholeheartedly. The other, a new T I have worked with since about October. This is a complex issue, but I think what mitigates it in your case is that this woman is a family member. You can have strong, good relationships with family members and the fact that this woman is a therapist by profession should not bar you from this. I think your actual therapist needs to understand you have a strong, close relationship with this woman who happens to be a therapist, and learn to deal with it. She has clearly advised you on pursuing therapy with someone and encouraged you on your therapy path. That you feel close, comfortable and grateful to this woman is important-- that you called her to talk about suicidal ideation is not that uncommon. Lots of people talk to a family member or close friend before they inform a therapist. But maybe your current T was upset that you didn't talk to him first. That does deserve some discussion and thought.
These dual relationships can be complicated. I am working hard to figure how I fit in the this new dynamic of feeling incredibly close to my old T while working with the other one, but the old T isn't my relative, and my new T will have to get used to the fact that I still have all these feelings and trust built with old T. He is also extremely careful to not get in the way of my process with this new T, so we all do what we can.
So my 2 cents-- people's lives are complicated, and therapists are used to navigating through complex relationships with others. It doesn't sound as though your dear relative is interfering in your T process, and it does sound as though your T needs to accept this woman as a supportive and wonderful factor in your life.

Kkins9

I think you're lucky to have her. I agree that just because she's a T, doesn't mean you should have to be limited in your sharing with her -- lots of people talk about personal matters with family members and lean on them for support -- that's a good thing, IMO. Assuming your relationship goes two ways, and that you're not using her like a therapist in a one-directional way, I don't see any problem.

But the fact that you said you were worried about mixed up roles before your T even said anything is interesting. Because of that, it's probably an area to further explore...



ETA: Your family member is probably well aware of T boundary rules too. Maybe you could ask her what she's comfortable with and if she's ever felt things were a problem? Just to sort of confirm?

[darkrunner]

I agree with Kitty....I think you should be able to rely on your family T's support. I think it was a positive way to cope with Sui thoughts to call her. What if she weren't officially a T, but just someone who supported you? Your T certainly doesn't mind you reaching out for support from your loved ones, right? Because he knows he can't be there for you 24/7 so you need to rely on others, and it is a blessing that you can.

You said that your T said "you can't have dual therapy relationships"...
but it doesn't seem like the relationship with your family member as a "therapy relationship". You don't go see her 1-2x per week and talk about your problems, do you? You seek her out when you need extra support and understanding. I do the same thing with my H (although he is probably not nearly as helpful as your family T)

I'm sure you and your T will work out a good solution.

Just chiming in to agree with everyone here

I can't call my T all the time, obviously, and I am very lucky to have close friends I can call when I am having a hard time. I have 4 very close friends that I can call to talk about anything from AA stuff to eating disorder stuff to SI stuff to what's going on in therapy to whatever (obviously, I have such a huge list of issues that the universe had to see to it that I had lots of people to call on lol). Plus, I can talk to my H. Like ktgirl said, I am not paying any of these people a fee to talk to them once a week, with all of the boundaries that go along with that. So, I don't see your relationship with your family member as a dual relationship, I see it as a friendship, or a source of support.

When I need T, I call T. I just talked to him on the phone tonight. I could have called one of my friends, but I really needed my THERAPIST right then.

It's definitely something to explore, especially if you are concerned about it, but to me, it just sounds like a loving source of support that you are lucky to have.

[sunrise]

MissC, I think this person you are reaching out to for support sounds like a family member. Her profession happens to be therapist, but you are calling her as a family member, not a T. It's great to have family members and friends to reach out to in times of crisis. Usually, therapists like us to develop such supportive relationships. I don't think what you have described is a dual therapist situation, unless I am not understanding the nature of your interaction. If you asked this family member if she were responding to you as a family member or as a therapist, what would she say? Do you have sessions with her? Do you pay for her services? To me, it just doesn't sound like she is your T. I think discussing this more with your real T would be very helpful in understanding his objection.

Also, BTW, I don't necessarily agree that one can't have a relationship with two therapists. Different therapists can have different specialties and roles in your journey. I have a therapist I see by myself and have also seen with my H in the past. I also have a family therapist I see regularly with my daughter. My daughter also has her own therapist. We have talked about my daughter's therapist and individual therapy in session together with the family therapist. It was helpful to my daughter and myself. Sometimes it is good to have a therapist you can get a second opinion from on stuff happening in your therapy. I also have a PNP I see for meds and sometimes we have a session in which we talk a lot, that lasts longer than usual, and she bills it as therapy. This hasn't undermined my relationship with my primary therapist.

Maybe my boundaries are just hopelessly squishy....

Interesting question!

[emilyjeanne]

Hi!

I think you are great and I love to read your posts!!!!!!

I don't agree with the others. Yes she is a family member. But you are calling her as a substitute for your T. Evidence of this is when you called her and discussed your suicidal feelings. Take it from me. Once the boundaries are blurred it is difficult to separate the family from the therapist.

Please discuss this more with your T. Maybe this is a recreation of some behavior that started when you were young.

EJ

[MissCharlotte]

Thanks everyone! Your replies have helped me to further sort this out. All have been valuable repsonses.

Here's what I think (so far). My family member has been a support for me for a long time. In essence I think she has sort of been like a therapist, because that's who she is. In other words, I don't think she can NOT be a therapist. I dont' think that only applies to me, but others as well in the family. She probably should have referred me a lot sooner for therapy but she has also been a source of financial support when I couldn't work during my children's illnesses and she knew I couldn't afford it. So the boundary is icky (as T would say). The dilemma for me is because I do not have a large network of support. My own sisters cannot handle (emotionally) the truth and my friendships are more surface. I can talk to H but there is a level beyond which he can't travel, because it touches his own trauma. So I naturally fell into a relationship with my family member who I have looked as an angel to me.

So, I think T noticed something that I also noticed when I wrote about confusion in my journal.

I think that I have to flap my wings. I can still have her as my support but I have to figure out how to keep her as a "sister" and not a therapist. That may be a challenge. To be continued, I'll let you know how T and I work through this.

THANKS GUYS -- LOVE YOU!!!!!

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

So, I think T noticed something that I also noticed when I wrote about confusion in my journal.

(((((((((((((MISS CHARLOTTE))))))))))))))

Is your journal a scribbly mess like mine is? Well, at least no one else will be able to read it but me.

I really wish I knew what to say to you. Something is lost in translation on me though, as I see no problem with you talking about personal issues with someone in your family who you have had a relationship with probably your entire life.

I really don't see a dual relationship, as you aren't paying your family member who happens to be a therapist for therapy--- now THAT would be an unethical dilemma if you ask me. In other words, she's not legally or in any other way your therapist, but rather a family member. I simply wouldn't talk anymore about your discussions with your family member T with your actual T--- no real reason to anyway, IMHO.

I wouldn't worry about anything too much here. I think you have two wonderful resources, even if I can't figure out the reason behind your T's statement about "dual therapy".

[MissCharlotte]

I simply wouldn't talk anymore about your discussions with your family member T with your actual T--- no real reason to anyway, IMHO.

Well, if I decided not to include an important part of my life in my therapy then my therapy wouldn't be honest, at least it would feel that way to me. I don't exclude any topics from therapy discussion and T and I negotiate it all. And my family member is very close to me so not to talk about her would feel weird.

No, I definitely don't pay her but I think when I am falling apart and I tell her things, she responds in a therapeutic way? I don't know -- still trying to sort this. There feels like some kind of conflict but I'm not sure yet on which end it is or if it is. I'm sort of swirling around on this.

You see, I think of the therapeutic relationship as special and somewhat inviolate. In order for therapy to work you have to willingly enter into this relationship and keep the work between the two of you. I think in this case with both my T and my family member being psychoanalysts, it's particularly loaded.

Hmmmmm