heartbroken over my T

mazer34 · Feb 21, 2009, 04:56 PM

finished therapy last december after 2 years,Got very close to my T , she felt like my best friend and mum rolled into one,she wrote me a letter in january saying she wished me all the best and to seek out another therapist etc if I needed one,I have and still miss her so much ,its breaking my heart not being able to see her each week,I wrote her a letter back saying thanks for her letter last week,I dont know if she will reply or not,I dont think she will,I just wish she could have offered me her therapy longer.the time limit was 2 years as it was a charity doing it for free but she is a private therapist too.it bothers me why she said find a therapist but did not say she could be mine ? she said she really cared for me and liked me from the very start so why not offer me her service ?my GP says Im having symtoms of beravement at not seeing my T anymore but do you really get over loosing a T ? I think about her every day.It feels like having an itch and you cant scratch it if you know what I mean.

God I miss her so dam much.Never felt this way with any other T before.

madisgram · Feb 21, 2009, 05:17 PM

mazer i don't know your situation but could u work a part-time job to cover the costs of continuing to see your t of 2 years? just a thought...not sure if this applies or not. best to you!

phoenix7 · Feb 21, 2009, 06:35 PM

maybe she's not allowed to ask if you still want to see her as it would seem like she is getting business opportunities form the charity work - this is a really hard thing to ask you to do - but can you write of ring and tell her you would like her still to be yoiur therapist if you can afford it - the worst that can happen is she will say no and why and the best that can happen is that she says of course!

kittykins9 · Feb 21, 2009, 08:05 PM

Mazer,
My heart goes out to you. I am grieving my T of 10 years that I lost too. I think before you start second guessing it, you should ask her if there's any way you can continue to be her client. The worst she can say is no, which leaves you where you are now. Keep us posted, I know this grief is very real, and extremely difficult.

Kkins9

Feb 21, 2009, 08:10 PM

(((((((((((((mazer)))))))))))))))

I agree with everyone else...can you call her to see if there is any way to continue with her?? The worst that can happen is that she will say "no", which will not change your situation, since you're already not seeing her. And MAYBE you can work something out.

I'm sorry you are in so much pain

Fuzzybear · Feb 21, 2009, 08:55 PM

((((((((((((((( mazer34 ))))))))))))))))

sunrise · Feb 21, 2009, 11:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mazer34

it bothers me why she said find a therapist but did not say she could be mine ? she said she really cared for me and liked me from the very start so why not offer me her service ?.

mazer, I wonder if it is a conflict of interest situation and she is not allowed to offer her private services to you? She might be seen as using her charity work to try to generate new business for herself. I know with my divorce professionals, including the child specialist, who is a therapist, I am not allowed to see her as a private T after the divorce is over. She had so much useful advice with my kids that I asked her could I see her after we were done with the divorce for help with parenting issues. And she said no, it was conflict of interest.

So it might be something similar with your T. Also, if you look her up independently of the agency you received her gratis services from, it might be that you could. You might need to go outside of the charity channels in order for it to be considered "ethical." For example, I have seen doctors before who left the clinic they worked at and they were not allowed to tell patients where they would be working in the future because they would be seen to be "stealing" patients from the clinic they were leaving. However, if the patient looked them up independently, once they had left the clinic's employment, then they were happy to see you in their new position. I did that with my dermatologist. I wanted to stick with him, not his former clinic.

Anyway, I suggest you contact your old T and tell her that your therapy with her was so helpful that you would like to continue to see her privately, and pay her fee, and ask if that is possible. She might say "yes"! She might also say no, and explain why (if she feels there is conflict of interest, etc.). If that was the case, at least you would know you can't see her privately because of a rule rather than because she doesn't like you or want to help you.

If she is unable to see you, you could at least ask her for some referrals. Since she knows you so well, she might be able to make a good guess at a T that would be a good fit.

This is hard, I know. It is bereavement. You are griving her loss. I hope you will make the call and ask her.

sarahlilianne · Feb 22, 2009, 01:15 AM

My heart goes to you Mazer...

Lily

mazer34 · Feb 22, 2009, 01:20 PM

quote "maybe she's not allowed to ask if you still want to see her as it would seem like she is getting business opportunities form the charity work - this is a really hard thing to ask you to do - but can you write of ring and tell her you would like her still to be yoiur therapist if you can afford it - the worst that can happen is she will say no and why and the best that can happen is that she says of course!"

This is whatI never thought of doh ! thanks everyone for your kind words,Im just waiting for her to write back(please god I hope she does),if she doesn't well Im still where I am,too scared to phone her as its her home phone number she advertises,she might think Im stalking her comes to mind ! it feels so difficult trying not to think about her,Im going crazy.When ever I play music there is always a song which reminds me of her,do you think Im getting obsessed with her ? big

to all you guys out there.

mazer34

KUREHA · Feb 22, 2009, 01:48 PM

I really think you should phone, I can see why you don't want to, but at least you will know.

If she doesn't write back and you don't phone you're going to feel like this longer, if you phone and she says No, at least you'll know why.

If you phone tomorrow and she says Yes

that will be great. So I think you should, you could be feeling way better.

I would miss my psychologist as well though - I did when she was gone 2 weeks.

Take Care

phoenix7 · Feb 22, 2009, 06:52 PM

Mazer - thats great you wrote to her I hope you get a reply soon - as to phoning her at home - if thats the number she advertises then i dont think it would be seen as stalking -

if you can do that - phone - it would put you out of your misery and you would know either way - but do what you feel you can do - take care P7

mazer34 · Feb 23, 2009, 10:43 AM

well T would have got my letter on thursday and nothing has came through the post so I feel really low about it,I dont think she is going to reply to me

Im just too scared to phone her,I wouldnt know what to say,I would just get tongue tied.I hate using phones,I get too anxious.

phoenix7 · Feb 24, 2009, 04:27 AM

give it some time - maybe your T has a typist who types her letters and its not type yet - hang in there

mazer34 · Feb 24, 2009, 08:00 AM

thanks,she is a community psych nurse as her main job and does therapy in her own time from home.she writes her own letters so I keep checking the post but nothing still,its driving me crazy just waiting to see if she does write .

phoenix7 · Feb 24, 2009, 08:53 PM

give it at least a week then - unless you can work up the nerve to call? its hard but it would settle things one way or another? if not thats ok - Im sure she will reply either way. fingers crossed. P7

Feb 24, 2009, 09:13 PM

((((((((((((((((((((mazer))))))))))))))))))))))

What did you say in your letter to her? Perhaps she just saw it as a response to her letter, and doesn't understand that you are waiting for a response.

I have learned from T that if I need something from him, I really have to ask for it very directly...and it's scary!! But I do it anyway, and learning to do that has been a big source of growth for me in therapy.

If you are afraid to call, could you write her another letter and ask about starting therapy again with her, privately??

I know my T cares about me very much, but he absolutely will not respond to a call or e-mail unless I literally state that that is what I need. He's made only one exception in our 15 months together. It's not because he doesn't care, or doesn't want to respond....it's because he is helping me learn to ask for what I need, directly.

(((((((((((((((((((((mazer))))))))))))))))))))))) Don't be afraid to write her again and tell her what you really need...

phoenix7 · Feb 24, 2009, 10:02 PM

Earthmamas so right in this - did you actually ask the question - sometimes I hedge around things and then wonder why I dont get a response - if you didnt ask - then write again - still keeping my fingers crossed

mazer34 · Feb 26, 2009, 09:24 AM

I never thought of all that,

I wrote the letter to thank her for hers and I wrote how I wished she could be my therapist privately.I have not received anything yet and thats over the week now.I never wrote to her house address that she advertises her therapy,I wrote to the charity where she works as a volunteer therapist once a week where I went weekly to see her,I dont want to intrude her home if you know what I mean,it feels uncomfortable,she might think Im stalking her.I dont want to freak her out.Im also really scared she will reject me ie say no.

sunrise · Feb 26, 2009, 10:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mazer34

I never thought of all that,

I wrote the letter to thank her for hers and I wrote how I wished she could be my therapist privately.I have not received anything yet and thats over the week now.I never wrote to her house address that she advertises her therapy,I wrote to the charity where she works as a volunteer therapist once a week where I went weekly to see her,I dont want to intrude her home if you know what I mean,it feels uncomfortable,she might think Im stalking her.I dont want to freak her out.Im also really scared she will reject me ie say no.

I think you should contact her at her private business address, otherwise you run into the same potential conflict of interest scenario that has been mentioned in this thread--maybe she can't respond to you because at her position at the charity, she is not allowed to take clients from there into her private practice. I think a call or letter or email to her private business address would be very appropriate. It's not your fault her private business address is the same as her home address. That was her choice and she gets other business correspondence and calls there, so yours would fit right in. Since you've already sent one letter, a follow-up phone call be quite appropriate. Yes, it could end up that she says "no" to you, but she will probably explain why, and then at least, your mind would be at rest. Plus, she might say "yes"! You care so much about her and your therapy--don't you think it's worth asking her?

Good luck with this!

mazer34 · Feb 27, 2009, 08:54 AM

I have emailed her directly so watch this space ..................

KUREHA · Feb 27, 2009, 12:33 PM

That's great - I hope you get the reply you want

mazer34 · Mar 03, 2009, 07:43 AM

well its been 2 weeks I wrote my letter and also my email and I've heard nothing back so Im just going to forget about therapy.these people play with your feelings and your mind so its not worth it.if she really cared about me as she kept on saying it weekly then she would of replied back to me at least.

its plain to see she doesn't want me as a client

half of me feels so angry and the other half sad.

KUREHA · Mar 03, 2009, 08:03 AM

Maybe she's been busy and hasn't had time to reply, or there's a problem with her computer - maybe she didn't get your email or even your letter.

I see why you're feeling like that though

I know you're not going to want to do this - but just in case there is a good reason why you haven't heard back from her. Why not try and call her - you could make it seem like you're not really bothered and were just checking before looking for someone else to see.

That way you'll know for sure.

Take Care

Xtree · Mar 03, 2009, 08:54 AM

I am very sorry, you must be heart broken. I understand this must be a very sad time for you. Maybe if you find a new T quickly it may help move on. I wish you the best of luck!

Xtree

phoenix7 · Mar 03, 2009, 06:19 PM

did you come right out in the email and ask if she would still be your T? I am sorry you havnt had a reply - you would think she would reply either way - KUREA could be right sho may have pc probs or have changed her email -

dont give up on Therpay just because of her - there are some really good T's out there - take care P7

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