[SweetSunshine]

Thought maybe if I put this up here too, that others who feel somewhat the same way can " get it off their chest" so to speak. But please keep in mind, this cannot be about anyone here at PC. Thanks!

I've been holding this anger inside for awhile now. Almost a year and a half. What is the anger about? Well.. several things really.

• First of all I feel sick , just plain old sick that after all the therapy I have had, all the talks I've had with my former T, all the times I've talked myself into and then out of going face to face with my dad and family. I find myself in a daze daily about this. Just having a conversation with myself . Like how it would go. Thinking it over and over and over in my head And I just cant deal with them.
• I am angry because with all the therapy I had, I still am letting them manipulate my words , feelings and I am not standing up for myself.
• I am still SCARED to voice my opinion around them.
• I am still SCARED to admit my mistakes, and bad choices.
• I feel that I am holding onto guilt because of the how they want me to feel.. if that makes sense.
• I do feel bad that I have not seen my dad now since January 08. But equally I feel that he has access to a phone and if he cared to see or talk to me, he could call if he wished to do so. So that goes both ways. Yes Maybe I should be the bigger person. But dang it, other than this , my life has turned around big time since I dont have to take care of him or his rental homes or any of the other crap that got put all on my shoulders. My shoulders alone. Never mind there were 6 other kids that could have been helping. And one for sure that was supposed to be helping in the first place. But stepped aside cuz they couldnt be bothered. Yeah they had a life to live. And I didnt.
• YES I am angry about that too. They all got to live their lives While I was the one that had to do all the worrying , all the work. dealt with all the pain of watching my dad go thru heart attacks and strokes, Getting him to doctors, therapy and his care at home. And yes this is what a daughter does for her father... I did it because I loved him. I cared about him. and now all that seems null and void.
• And thats another thing... was this all for nothing? I feel like in a way, i made myself and my husband suffer thru soooo much.. and our marraige hurt because of how " dedicated " I was to my dad. I tell you , it was a thankless job on my siblings part.
• Angry that it is ok for them to have stood by but not ok for me to make mistakes.
• Angry because I am displaced. but then again, wasnt I always ? I never felt a real part of that family. Most of them saw to it that it was that way.

So what of these things do I have a right to be angry about and what dont I? And how the heck do I " get over it"? Help!!!! Please?!?!I really want to shed the baggage if I can.. and move on and focus on MY LIFE the way I've wanted to for so long. Thanks

I had also wrote my former T( the one I just ended therapy with in January) This was his response. He does share a religious point of view on things , so if you're triggered by that sort of thing. Please bear caution.

My T's response:

hello beth,
all is well here, the family is doing just fine. I was happy to here from you and that things are still going pretty good for you. I knew you could do it, strength and courage lives within you. you just have to find it and use it.
as for how to deal with the family situation there are three things that will help you with this: identify it, own it, and pray for it.
identify it is when you figure out what you are responsible for in the relationship. remember, the things you can control are the things you are responsible for and that is it. you cant change them but you can change how you deal with them and respond to them.
own it is when you take what your responsible for and fix what you can of that. also, remember that everything may not be fixable, some things you just have to let go of (talking about your responsibility) and apologized for.
pray for it takes you asking for relief from the situation so that you can move on with your life. that, however, starts with you filing away what your responsible for not what others are responsible for. also, asking for a forgiving heart is a big things because without having everyone else admit their faults in the whole situation it is hard to forgive them but it is our responsibility to forgive other not for them to work for forgiveness. this also, does not mean that you forget the whole situation and walk back into being treated the same way. you can forgive and still guard yourself against hurt. don't forget to forgive yourself because you are your toughest critic

Here's your homework,trust in God and yourself the answers are there and sometimes it is just the silence that we need to hear the answers we know. One of the verses that I turn to often in situations like this when life needs clarification is "Be Still and Know that I am God" check out the link below for a short but powerful message (hope it takes you to the right place, first time I've to do this)http://forums.psychcentral.com/showt...518#post959518

again, believe in yourself, I do.

I love how my T used to give me homework. It gave me a real sense of accomplishing something in my healing. And it also gives me something to look back on in case I need to .

[SeptemberMorn]

Bethy, I'm going to quote something that we studied in our Christian chat not too long ago. It doesn't mention any religious figures and I don't quote from any religious book. It seems to me that if anyone has any unforgiveness for another, this is an eye opener. It's so true! It works, too, if you haven't forgiven yourself for mistakes you've made.



WHAT is biblical forgiveness? The Greek word for "forgive" means “to let go from one’s power, possession, to let go free, let escape.” In essence, the intent of forgiveness is one in which the “unforgiven” is roped to the back of the unforgiving. The intent is to cut someone loose. The word picture drawn by the Greek terms for unforgiveness is one in which the “unforgiven” is roped to the back of the unforgiving. Isn’t it ironic that unforgiveness is the means by which we securely bind ourselves to that which we hate most?

[madisgram]

hi beth idk your whole lving situation re your family but noticed you mentioned going back to school on your signature. i think we all come from some sort of dysfunctinal family. some more intense than others. i have felt like you do (in my past). the healthiest way to get on with your life is to distance yourself, if u can, from your family. not like moving away or avoiding them altogether but keeping an emotional distance from them. i wouldn't participate in everything that goes on either. i'd pick the times i wanted to visit or be with them. most ppl feel they owe their family something. we don't. this is your life and you can make it whatever you want it to be. if you feel better not being around your family as much, that doesn't make you a bad person. it just means you are protecting yourself. your t mentioned that in his email to u too. if you start to feel uncomfortable when you're with them you can plan to leave. it's all about protecting 'self".
as for your anger towards them. u can't change them but u can change u. it's about moving on with your life. the things that u are angry about are gone forever in time. perhaps someone does owe u an apology but that doesn't mean it will come. i know. i haven't gotten any either.
however, what i have done is fill up my life with positive minded friends. they care about me and love me unconditionally, even with my faults. they know i feel the same way too. so i call this my "new" family. of course i still have my birth family and i love each of them. what i have learned is that how i love them has no impact in how they love me or treat me. it is just the way life goes. at first it hurt to look that "in the eye". then i went through a period of acceptance for what is. it helped the anger dissipate.
we all have only today. we can make our day filled with love and joy. i'm glad you have a hubby who sounds like an allright kind of guy. you all can go about making this new life for yourselves. u don't have to feel guilty about this...this is your life...remember that!
hope this helps.

[SpottedOwl]

(((SweetSunshine)))

I very much identify with family issues and trying to find a place of peace.

The anger that you have is there for a reason, much like the fear. It has served to protect that beautiful, soft, loving person inside of you.

Perhaps the anger is allowing you to find a voice and to speak up for what you need and want in your life. Perhaps it is there to teach you a lesson. Whatever the reason, it is a part of you, and IMHO should be honored.

I have found a very powerful way of facing my anger and fear is to thank it. I look forthe ways in my life it has served me, and feel true gratitude for the times it has protected me and helped me when I needed it. What is the proverbial 'silver lining' hiding within all those moments of pain?

Here's to releasing that burden and transformation!

((sweet))))) I think its wonderful you could write it out. I think its great you voiced it in a letter sorta.
We all goof in life. I know i have from time to time.
Have been angry before ? of course.
You have valid resons with all you have been threw to be upset. And to feel scared.
I like what your T said ((the things you can control are the things you are responsible for)))))))
You are a good person., kind. caring...you matter as always.
Muffy

P.S. Im kinda cranky about where I grew up lol

[SweetSunshine]

((((((( Tomi )))))))) I guess I got lots of thinking to do here.. which is what i've been doing.. but need to look a lil deeper. Thanks for your research on this and for pointing everything out to me. I guess as much as I want to move on , it may be hard to forgive them for the lifetime of being treated the way they did me. Lots of soul searching to do here.

[SweetSunshine]

((((((( Madisgram))))))))

Thank you for your reply. I live in the same town as 2 of my siblings and my father. Other siblings live within 4 hrs of home here. I have not spoken to anyone in the family since September at a nieces wedding. And then I only went to the wedding . You kinda got me on the emotional distance of things. Guess I have distanced myself from them by not talking to them at all. That has helped me immensely in my healing because I dont get the wishy washy attitudes from them on how they feel about me for that day. The only ones I would want to see really is my dad , to see if there is anything there to repair or if it can be repaired. And my godson and possibly the one sister I did get along with. But I dont see that happenig because she's gotten closer to the other sisters who have bad attitudes and are plain old stuck up snobs. My brothers can be the same way too. But added to them they are real perverts. They cannot make a comment about a woman without demoralizing her in the worst of ways. There is no such thing as unconditional love in my family. The only person I knew of to have that was my mother. I have never ever known another person as good as she was. And I am not being partial to her just cuz she is my mother. She really had a heart of gold. Never ever disreguarded anyone. And heck I sometimes even get angry at myself for not being more like that even with my best of intentions. I guess I need to accept things for how they are like you did. Again more soul searching to do here.. lol does it ever end?

Yes I do have a good husband. Wasnt always the best relationship what we had.. but this past year its gotten stronger and better than its ever been in the 22 yrs we've known eachother. He's gonna be a keeper

Originally Posted by madisgram

hi beth idk your whole lving situation re your family but noticed you mentioned going back to school on your signature. i think we all come from some sort of dysfunctinal family. some more intense than others. i have felt like you do (in my past). the healthiest way to get on with your life is to distance yourself, if u can, from your family. not like moving away or avoiding them altogether but keeping an emotional distance from them. i wouldn't participate in everything that goes on either. i'd pick the times i wanted to visit or be with them. most ppl feel they owe their family something. we don't. this is your life and you can make it whatever you want it to be. if you feel better not being around your family as much, that doesn't make you a bad person. it just means you are protecting yourself. your t mentioned that in his email to u too. if you start to feel uncomfortable when you're with them you can plan to leave. it's all about protecting 'self".
as for your anger towards them. u can't change them but u can change u. it's about moving on with your life. the things that u are angry about are gone forever in time. perhaps someone does owe u an apology but that doesn't mean it will come. i know. i haven't gotten any either.
however, what i have done is fill up my life with positive minded friends. they care about me and love me unconditionally, even with my faults. they know i feel the same way too. so i call this my "new" family. of course i still have my birth family and i love each of them. what i have learned is that how i love them has no impact in how they love me or treat me. it is just the way life goes. at first it hurt to look that "in the eye". then i went through a period of acceptance for what is. it helped the anger dissipate.
we all have only today. we can make our day filled with love and joy. i'm glad you have a hubby who sounds like an allright kind of guy. you all can go about making this new life for yourselves. u don't have to feel guilty about this...this is your life...remember that!
hope this helps.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by SweetSunshine

I am angry because with all the therapy I had, I still am letting them manipulate my words , feelings and I am not standing up for myself.

• I am still SCARED to voice my opinion around them.
• I am still SCARED to admit my mistakes, and bad choices.
• I feel that I am holding onto guilt because of the how they want me to feel.. if that makes sense.

SS, what are you going to do about these things ^? All of these things are under your control.

That former therapist, he said to just pray but then he outlined all sorts of things that you can do. This is more than praying.........

[SweetSunshine]

Spottedowl~

Sorry , i missed replying to you. You seem to have touched something in me on this. I think its in your second paragraph about finding my voice in this and to speak up for what I need and want in life. Maybe that is why this has all come out here. Now I do need to figure things out. I am not sure that I want to deal with my family anymore. I just feel a set back if that happens. Seems like I just needed to vent it. Thanks for your point of view on things .

Originally Posted by SpottedOwl

(((SweetSunshine)))

I very much identify with family issues and trying to find a place of peace.

The anger that you have is there for a reason, much like the fear. It has served to protect that beautiful, soft, loving person inside of you.

Perhaps the anger is allowing you to find a voice and to speak up for what you need and want in your life. Perhaps it is there to teach you a lesson. Whatever the reason, it is a part of you, and IMHO should be honored.

I have found a very powerful way of facing my anger and fear is to thank it. I look forthe ways in my life it has served me, and feel true gratitude for the times it has protected me and helped me when I needed it. What is the proverbial 'silver lining' hiding within all those moments of pain?

Here's to releasing that burden and transformation!

[SweetSunshine]

Originally Posted by Sannah

[/list]SS, what are you going to do about these things ^? All of these things are under your control.

That former therapist, he said to just pray but then he outlined all sorts of things that you can do. This is more than praying.........

I'm thinking things over before I act. But I am leaning towards not dealing with the family at all. I dealt with them for 39 yrs of my life.. and they drained me to no end. I dont want to go thru that again. Why would anyone want to go thru all that again?