[Mouse_]

Yes I know I am experiencing therapy at the moment as something else, some other time, some other person, I know this because the feelings I am experiencing are so powerful, they will not go away, this time they are demanding resolution.

All last week was about muddle and confusion, I'm saying one thing and T another, and even though shes responded to my emails and apologised for the muddle we seem to be having, ITS NOT ENOUGHT!!, I want something more than that, but what? I don't know. I feel like I am not going to ever find complete resolution for all my issues and feel like I'm hitting a brick wall with my head, its frustrating and the anger and at times rage I am experiencing..

Yesterday I had made up my mind to not go on Monday, and not only just not go, but not contact her and leave her trying to find me. Oh but wait a moment isnt' that how I've felt all my life toward my birth mother??? oh yes see I know this is transference at the moment, but naming it doesnt change it, I want this finished with RIGHT NOW!!, I dont want to sit on that ****ing couch and talk a load of **** and just going round and round in circles! Dam it!! Even reading here and seeing everyone else experiencing the same dragged out frustrations is painful right now and I've never felt I couldnt read here, but since yesterday Its been to painful...aaarrrggghhh

(((((((((((((((((((((((Mouse)))))))))))))))))))))

Yep. I've been in a similar place lately, and it just sucks!!

I KNOW though that this is the time when we are open to the most healing....if we can make ourselves go, and work through all of the crap that we are feeling... Darkest before the dawn and all of that. My T keeps telling me that, and I know he's right - I just wish there was a "quick fix" and it didn't have to be so much work, work, work.

Sending many I hope you go on Monday...

[Mouse_]

Thanks Em, I just sat in the bath and thought about the word "Muddle", why the Muddle suddenly, what is it I would want?? I mean T has said shes sorry for the misunderstandings unyet that didn't seem to be the issue, then it hit me!!! BONG!! I think I'm trying to show her how muddled the relationship with my adoptive mother felt, it always felt niggly and wrong and I want that "Smoothness" with T, I dont want our "Muddles", yes thats it!!, I am experiencing the deep split of feeling between the "Mothers", and its uncomfortable and yukky and horrible and I dont want it, but the hope is, with T, there will be a "smoothness" again, I Know with her I can get back to that place, where as with my adoptive mother we seldom managed it...we were always in a muddle relationship!.

[madisgram]

mouse i had unresolved issues with the significant men in my life-5 of them. it still rears it's ugly head sometimes. i'm sorry that you have hit this stumbling block in the road re mothers but it sounds like you are working thru it. what better person than to work it out with your t! good for you. in therapy i have found that when i feel the most frustration that a solution is appearing on the horizon. so it's growth even tho it is painful.will be thinking of you and hope that this will be a triumph in your therapy. please keep us posted cause we care for you.

[Mouse_]

Its ok madisgram, I feel lighter having worked out a bit more where the pain is coming from.