Knowing T outside of the hour

Rainbow, you remind me of something strange that happened.

A few weeks ago I thought I saw my T (who is of a completely different faith), at my church. With a closer look I could see that it wasn't her, but wow, it could have been her older sister. (hmmm I wonder if she has an older sister)

when that original thread came out I imagined that if I saw her in some random place it wouldn't faze me - i was so wrong!!!

Maybe it WAS her sister, you never know! I don't know my T's sister, but I know she was at a meeting I also attended. Actually, there were many workshops and she was in a different one, but I wanted to see her so I peeked in when it was over. It was freaky. She looks like her, but not exactly. It was weird.

My T didn't used to like it when I wanted to surreptitiously find out all of this stuff about her and her family. She said to ASK her, instead, and wanted to know why I couldn't. She thinks I wanted/needed to get close to her, and that was my way of doing it. I've always done that with people who weren't really in my life. Idolizing them from afar.

I've seen my T's kids, too. I'm jealous of her daughter, though I'm close to my Ts age, not her d. I've got a lot of transference issues. I think it helped me to post in this thread, though. Makes me feel closer to my T. I still haven't called her about my session on Tuesday because I've got too many thoughts and feelings whirling around. I have to write them down and figure out what I'm going to say when I call her so I don't just say "um" and waste her time.

Yes, I've seen my T out and about in relaxed mode. It made me feel good to see him happy and well and being himself. There have been a few times when he was with his family when I saw him, but he didn't see me. I tried to stay back and give him his privacy and space. I have this fear that I may unintentionally do something to embarrass him. I really really want to respect him and want to show him that.

The friendship thing is always kind of weird for me. I know the boundaries would state that he can't be my friend, but he sure feels like one. Maybe ally would be a better term. He's an ally, but he can't be my friend outside of the room. Not because I'm not friendship-worthy or that he wouldn't have been if we'd met elsewhere but because it is what it has to be. Still feels like a friend in my heart, though. If that makes any kind of sense...

T and I call him my "therapy friend".

I have always had self-esteem issues. I have always wondered if my T would like me if we hadn't met in T but instead in a social situation. If I would be "good" or "cool" enough for her to like outside of the contained situation I did met her in.

I have thought much the same. Maybe not if I would be "cool" enough, but if I would be "functional" enough. My T seems so functional. I feel I would not be up to his level out in the real world, so he would not want to really get to know me if we had met under different circumstances. Recently, my T was telling me something about his current romantic relationship and I said, "that sounds so functional!" And he said, "well, most of the time." So I guess maybe he's not functional all the time, lol, or at least he's telling me his relationship isn't perfect.

I remember when I first got a crumb of courage to enquire whether T would "Like" me if she had just met me outside of therapy, and I remember how she sort of swept it away with her hand in movement mid air and wriggled her mouth. Its funny I can't remember what she actually said, I think it was something along the lines of, "Liking or disliking" is irrelavant", perhaps she didn't actually say that, perhaps thats more my understanding of the slight movement of hand and mouth that I took it as that.

At first that was shocking to me. My whole immature existence on this planet had been based on gaining and winning aliances with people, and also my liking or disliking of people was all I knew, I hadn't ever met anyone that could put aside personal prejudices and be in the moment with someone.

Now I understand a bit better, that liking someone or disliking them is pretty much irrelavant to me now. I do not care if I meet someone who appears to dislike me, I am able now to strug, allow them their personal prejudice and continue on. Thank you T for showing me this!!

I heard a saying once about firemen, that they can only put out the hottest fire, I think whilst being with T during the "hour" each of us are that "hottest fire", and outside the hour, it can become so influenced by so many other intrusions.

i can't imagine pdoc not liking me outside the hour, he displays that much positive regard for me. he does his job really well.

i have thought to myself that pdoc is probably not the sort of person i would have got to know if i hadn't been forced to, though. he has a funny sense of humour (laugh at, not with), is a bit of a nerd, just had this slight ridiculousness about him, really.

but i adore him now. i'm so blessed he's in my life. and i'm so grateful that i was 'forced' out of circumstance to stick with him, rather than shop around for another pdoc i trusted a little easier, because we just click so much and he means the world to me.

I spent a night with my former T and her husband and children, and seeing her have the same "typical" problems any family has only made me cherish her more. I saw that she was able to not only care for her children during the "good" times, but that even when she had to be strict with them, she was still that same kind woman I came to know in various environments.

Spending time with my T outside in the real world made me come to appreciate her even more because it showed me that she truly is a special person, and that she is authentic in the person that presents in therapy, and in her family.