Made T Uncomfortable

Hello Everyone, I'm new to the boards. This is my third post to date.

I actually had my session tonight and am having trouble understanding what exactly what happened. It usually takes me about 2 days after to fully comprehend. Anyway, when I am unable to communicate my feelings or what I need verbally, i write them down. I've been writing letters to my T before session and then read them to her during. Well, one letter in particular mentioned ways that I could feel most comfortable , open, and safe with her. I asked her if she wouldn't mind maybe sitting a little closer to me and a few other small things so that the room wouldn't feel so big and open.I asked if she wouldn't mind sitting at the opposite end of the couch, just so I wouldn't feel so alone. I thought the letter wasn't anything major, however her reaction shocked me. She appeared to look very nervous and confused. She just kept rambling on about doing what's best for the client and not causing further pain. She also used an example about certain clients that trigger real emotions in their therapist and so on. I believe I made her very uncomfortable. She said she was very confused and didn't have an answer. Right now I'm feeling ashamed and a little embarrassed.
Was I wrong to communicate with her what I needed? Is she experiencing some sort of Counter-transference? I mean we have a lot in common and she has said on more than one occasion that she is extremely fond of me. Should I talk more about this with her? Did I cross a boundary?

Hi sw628,

I dont think you did anything wrong by asking for what you need - if what you asked for was not suitable then your T should have explained why and if you can I would discuss sit with her at your next session - she may have felt that sitting next to you was being too familiar? but you will never know if you dont ask

you didn't do anything wrong. promise. obviously it hit a nerve somehow with your T - this isn't your responsibility, though. i am surprised she didn't have a ready answer - this is one of the scenarios we run through as psych undergrads, so i'm assuming someone with years more training than myself would have thought about it a lot harder!

maybe talk to her about it next time? don't feel the need to apologise - you didn't do anything wrong, but just bring it up and see if she can give you a more definitive answer as to why she couldn't provide that.

Welcome to the board!

This statement jumps out at me:

She also used an example about certain clients that trigger real emotions in their therapist and so on.

My interpretation of this is that your t was indeed having a countertransference reaction to your request. You have said that she's told you she is very fond of you. So it can't be that she is repelled in any way by what you asked for. She mentioned her concern about causing the client pain, as well as mentioning emotions in the t. This seems to indicate that either she feels that moving closer would somehow invoke pain in you, or that it would create emotions in her that would be difficult for her to deal with. Could it be that she likes you so much that she's afraid moving closer would cause a boundary crossing? Maybe she's afraid that getting closer with you would cause her to care too much and lose her objectivity. There's no way to know for certain unless you ask her about it. In any case, you were not at fault for asking what you did. It's her response that is confusing.

Like everyone said - I think you should talk to her about it as well.
I think it was ok to ask her, if that's what you wanted, maybe she just wasn't expecting you to say that.
You should talk to her about it though

Just keep talking about it with her. From what you say here, it does sound like she was caught of guard, and I wonder why that would be.

Thanks everyone for the advice! I'm still feeling a little embarrassed, however today I am able to think more clearly. My T indeed may have experienced counter-transference issues and I completely understand that she needs to respect our relationship. I guess on the other hand, I view her as a motherly figure, and that could be my own transference issues towards her. Because the feelings are there on both ends, she wouldn't do anything that could possibly harm our relationship. She is actually really awesome and I am enjoying the time that I get to spend with her. Next session, I will bring this up , and see what happens from there. For now, I may back off of my letter writing campaign haha. I'll keep everyone updated on how this situation pans out

First SW628, I want to say that I think it is great that you are thinking about and then communicating with your T about what you are feeling and what you think might help you feel safer and less alone. I'm not sure why your T responded the way she did, maybe you just caught her off-guard.

Personally I like the fact that my T usually remains seated and does not challenge my personal space, and I've communicated that with her. I don't think communicating the opposite was wrong, any more than asking if a fan be turned off, to a light adjusted would be wrong.

Maybe your T is right, maybe her sitting closer to you might not be conducive to your healing or to maintaining what she feels would be appropriate boundaries. But recognizing the fact that your feeling alone and disconnected are things that you need to deal with. If you feel this way during therapy, you are likely feeling this way in other interactions and situations as well. Talking about this more will likely lead to finding ways to help yourself feel more close and connected in other relationships. IDK... this issue appears frequently here and is commonly written about in the psychology literature, I would think a well trained T would know how to confidently and effectively deal with it.

i agree with the others . I dont think its wrong at all to ask for what you need , just be aware that there may be times that T or whoever may not be able to provide this to you for various reasons , but that doenst mean that its personal. Just talk about it and see where things go .

Hi chaotic13,
This is excellent feedback. I was actually re-reading my post, and your response is very insightful. Thanks

Glad I could contribute something here.

SW628, I'm not sure when you see your T again. Maybe before you go again you can try and think about WHEN exactly during the session or during other interactions that you start feeling the disconnect/alone sensation. See if you can figure out what it is linked to. For example when you start feeling like the room is big and your T is too far away from you-- What are you talking about? Are you also feeling physical sensations like chills, tightness in the chest, abdominal pains? Do you get these sensations at other times, at work/school, while commuting, while home alone watching TV?

I don't tend to sense things as emotions, I have a lot of trouble with identifying emotions (I don't often think--I'm feeling excited). I tend to "feel" or have body sensation (Instead for me I think--I'm feel a positive energy surge). I've been trying to be more aware of when I get these sensations, so I can get more of an idea about what they are and what they are linked to.

If you decide to discuss this issue again with your T, this information may be useful in helping you and your T come up with ways to have you cope with these feelings when they start to creep into an interaction. It might also be good to know if these feelings only occur during therapy or if in fact they are occurring when interacting with others. Like I said before, my guess is you may feel this way in other relationships, but may not even have realized it. They may seem stronger during therapy because this interaction is so much more intense and focused than most other interpersonal interactions.

Counter-transference, counter-transference, counter-transference.

You weren't wrong.

Are you a straight male or a lesbian 9or not nec either when it comes to it)? I can easily see where she could've seen sexual interest in her that maybe she didn't expect. That was my first thought about it--that it was an expression of that from you and that that's how she interpreted it.

I don't know about this comment of her being "fond" of you, but if she said that sort of thing (nothing wrong with that)-- given your desire to be literally closer to her--might have triggered in her a fear/regret for saying something like that, like that she thinks she might have given the wrong impression and been overly familiar with you. Then she freaks out and thinks she screwed up earlier. Lead you on, whatever the explanation.

Nothing wrong with what you wrote or said. You didn't break a boundary. Action is what matters, words are just words. If there is some sort of sexual/romantic interest in her you could've done or written something far more involved and direct than writing that.

I'm bothered by her reaction. I think she was inappropriate.

Isshe young/new to the profession? As Deli said, she should be ready for this sort of thing. It's not a big deal to have expressed that interest--whatever is behind it (and yes, it's transference from you whether as mother figure, romantic, etc.)