[lostneedlove]

I am here for ways I can do my part to help my relationship and different perspectives. Please don't simply say leave, or he's no good or you need to end it, as I want to stay for my own reasons I don't want to get into.

He's a self admitted EMU man with engulfment fears and identity and self esteem issues. I'm EMO and have abandonment issues. He was raised by a cold mother and abusive stepdad not knowing his father, I was raised later by a controlling mother and dad was away in my teen years and much of my you get years was working. He too is emotionally unavailable.

That being said, I feel often that my guy does things as a distancing method and this triggers great anxiety and pain in me and I lash out. Example- hey baby, I thought we would do x y z on Friday which I know you like. What would you like to do Saturday night (which would be for me as I planned Friday for him )

Him- well it's Tuesday that's a week away. (Not interested even though he knows after two years I like to get excited about the weekend and plan together and share)
Me - but looking forward to the weekend helps get through the work week, makes it less painful
Him- well, my job is stressful and if I'm not thinking about it I could get hurt (electrician)

Me- you're not at work now
Him- (in a snarky tone ) no I'm thinking about sleep (he was calling me from bed while I was in Texas)

I took that personally and it said to me he had no interest in Indulging me and making me happy. I do so much for him. Cook, clean, sex, happy smile when he gets home, beautiful meal cooking, laundry, awesome surprises, I'm generous, fun, sexy and thoughtful.
His family really liked me too.

Another example.

It's Saturday night I'm here in Texas he's home in Nevada. I haven't talked to him for a few days. He didn't even check to see if my plane landed safe. I finally get a text and reach out and call. He deliberately ignores me all night even though I didn't leave any messages, say anything bad, nothing. Usually I might freak a little and get suspicious but I've worked on that and gotten lots better at trust (I had good reasons for being suspicious but I won't get into that)

He tells me later when we talk, I knew you were just checking up on me that's why I ignored you.

I fail to see how that's a constructive way to communicate. It created insane anxiety in me so bad I had an intense panic attack the worst I've had. This isn't the first time he's done this. I needed just to hear his voice,to connect, that's all.

There's a lot more, this is just a few examples. He's 40 and I'm 37 and I just want normal communication. He's very secretive, won't let anyone in, constantly pushes me away then changes his mind. There's only me, none else, he does let me look in his phone etc.

He fails to see though that the constant " I hate you don't leave me" behavior triggers up my emotions and I do lash out. I've gotten better at it, lots better though.

We can have an amazing few days and out of the blue he will text me saying to away, leave me alone, I never want to see you again. This after some true good time together.

He will wake up sometimes after drama and say, " I'm going to be nice to you today". Isn't that I itself an admission saying he knows he's not nice?

How can I go on merrily when he flat out has told me, " I don't mean to sound mean but when you tell me this or that, or things you do....I don't really care about what you do".

He doesn't want to hear about my life or day.

He doesn't want to plan for the weekends together.

What the hell are we supposed to talk about?

[CANDC]

Lostneed love, welcome to Psych central! Thank you for sharing your story.

Lots of forums to check out
http://forums.psychcentral.com

and articles
http://forums.psychcentral.com

Hope you meet nice people as I have.

[curley]

Originally Posted by lostneedlove

I am here for ways I can do my part to help my relationship and different perspectives. Please don't simply say leave, or he's no good or you need to end it, as I want to stay for my own reasons I don't want to get into.

He's a self admitted EMU man with engulfment fears and identity and self esteem issues. I'm EMO and have abandonment issues. He was raised by a cold mother and abusive stepdad not knowing his father, I was raised later by a controlling mother and dad was away in my teen years and much of my you get years was working. He too is emotionally unavailable.

That being said, I feel often that my guy does things as a distancing method and this triggers great anxiety and pain in me and I lash out. Example- hey baby, I thought we would do x y z on Friday which I know you like. What would you like to do Saturday night (which would be for me as I planned Friday for him )

Him- well it's Tuesday that's a week away. (Not interested even though he knows after two years I like to get excited about the weekend and plan together and share)
Me - but looking forward to the weekend helps get through the work week, makes it less painful
Him- well, my job is stressful and if I'm not thinking about it I could get hurt (electrician)

Me- you're not at work now
Him- (in a snarky tone ) no I'm thinking about sleep (he was calling me from bed while I was in Texas)

I took that personally and it said to me he had no interest in Indulging me and making me happy. I do so much for him. Cook, clean, sex, happy smile when he gets home, beautiful meal cooking, laundry, awesome surprises, I'm generous, fun, sexy and thoughtful.
His family really liked me too.

Another example.

It's Saturday night I'm here in Texas he's home in Nevada. I haven't talked to him for a few days. He didn't even check to see if my plane landed safe. I finally get a text and reach out and call. He deliberately ignores me all night even though I didn't leave any messages, say anything bad, nothing. Usually I might freak a little and get suspicious but I've worked on that and gotten lots better at trust (I had good reasons for being suspicious but I won't get into that)

He tells me later when we talk, I knew you were just checking up on me that's why I ignored you.

I fail to see how that's a constructive way to communicate. It created insane anxiety in me so bad I had an intense panic attack the worst I've had. This isn't the first time he's done this. I needed just to hear his voice,to connect, that's all.

There's a lot more, this is just a few examples. He's 40 and I'm 37 and I just want normal communication. He's very secretive, won't let anyone in, constantly pushes me away then changes his mind. There's only me, none else, he does let me look in his phone etc.

He fails to see though that the constant " I hate you don't leave me" behavior triggers up my emotions and I do lash out. I've gotten better at it, lots better though.

We can have an amazing few days and out of the blue he will text me saying to away, leave me alone, I never want to see you again. This after some true good time together.

He will wake up sometimes after drama and say, " I'm going to be nice to you today". Isn't that I itself an admission saying he knows he's not nice?

How can I go on merrily when he flat out has told me, " I don't mean to sound mean but when you tell me this or that, or things you do....I don't really care about what you do".

He doesn't want to hear about my life or day.

He doesn't want to plan for the weekends together.

What the hell are we supposed to talk about?

Hey Lost, Well I wont say to leave, or that you could do better, bla bla bla, cause like you said you are staying for reasons....who knows, only you.
Obviously you are getting something out of the relationship or you would not stay. So this is a long distance relationship. From what you said there are trust issues also.
If you know how your man is.....does not want to plan again, think ahead, etc. aren't you setting yourself up to be disappointed by pushing the issue anyway?
Since he did not call when you got home to make sure you were safe, well, either he figured you did, or sorry, he was not worried about it.
I don't know what your trust issues are, but if you have said you were over those problems, he should be feeling you were checking up on him.
I say, back off. Tell him you cant wait to see him over the weekend if you need to....I would not! When you get back home, enjoy your privacy and don't call or text him. Like I said, back off. You say you do so much for him, well if you do and you do not think it is appreciated, back off!!!! I would still be loving and nice and smile etc. Don't start being a *****. But don't give so so much. Let him make dinner, or buy dinner, let him do his own laundry etc.
BUT don't comment about not doing it either!!! Just go on with life and have fun without the pushy! Or letting him know how much you do. Just don't!!! But if you are funny and sweet, etc, don't change that part. I am thinking if you follow some of this advise you may notice some difference. If he does not care about what you do.... or your life or what you want, you may want to reconsider your comments about not leaving etc. GOOD Luck

[Trippin2.0]

I would say you need a healthy dose of acceptance to improve this relationship.


He hates planning for weekends (not at all unheard of, I have a spur of the moment type bf myself) and he is painfully honest at times (example being disinterested in what you say) and again, not unheard of, I cherish my bf's bluntness, because it decreases any chance of misunderstandings....


Sooo, you don't want to leave him, then you have to accept that this is how he is, and stop setting yourself up for disappointment by continuously expecting him to magically behave differently.


Also, I agree with the advice above, if you're feeling short changed within this relationship, learn to give less. I know from experience its not easy, but I also know its ultimately worth it in the long run... You'll stop feeling so cheated and hopefully skip resentment, because there'll be more balance in the relationship.


If acceptance is not an option for you, then you'll have to entertain the idea that you guys are just simply incompatable.

[Fuzzybear]

[lostneedlove]

Thanks all. I don't have much of a circle to talk to and the friends I have are are in other states by phone so this really helps.

I've actually been staying with him in preparation for him coming back to Denver with me. I fly back tomorrow. Even so, I can still maintain distance. On the Saturday night, I'll let him stay home and play video games or go to his friends and you know what.....I'll go do my own thing. There it is.

The worst part is the blame shifting, being pegged as the bad guy when I get upset but he can mess up or start a fight and the next day I'm expected to be over it. But he will stew if he feels it's my fault. Double standards, I really hate them. I find myself apologizing to keep the peace.

I hate not giving, it's next to impossible as I love doing it. I find joy in taking care of him. What sucks is how little I'm asking for. Simple communication like picking up the phone, says hi, how are you, a smile when he walks in the door. Suggest a restaurant every once in a while and show respect.

Don't do what you got til it's gone I guess......