[Zen888]

Hello

I have been friends with this woman for close to ten years. She is a very nice, caring, and thoughtful person. So what is the difficulty?

These are just a few of her behaviours or personality traits that bother me greatly:

> Needs to be right most of the time.
> Everything must be very clean and tidy
> Competitive in arguements or discussions (always has something better to say than I do or is right).
> Will give me options for restaurants or movies that we might go or see (but if she doesn't want to go or see it we just don't go).
> Likes to talk about 3 main topics all the time when we are together or talking on the phone.
> 98% of the e-mails I send to her go unanswered.
> Doesn't give up on anything or anyone (she nagged and nagged for a donation from me until I gave in and agreed to it).
> Needs to be in control of the situation or people most of the time.
> If I anger her she will have an explosive temper tantrum that borders on being verbally abusive or she will just refuse to talk about it.
> She has a hard time making up her mind (one time we were at a restaurant and it took her a good solid 20 minutes to decide on what to order).
> Lately when I bring up issues that have to do with my health and well being she either tunes me out or pretends that it is not a big deal. Whereas with her I am expected to listen and give feedback. But never am I allowed to give my honest opinion on what she should or shouldn't do. I have to make a subtle suggestions or sugar coat my answer.

> She will tell her parents things that I have told her in confidence. I know this for a fact because I have spoken with her Mom and her Mom knows things that I have only told my friend.

> She has a ritualized way of doing things.

> Has high expectations for her friends. She gave me 3 hours notice that she was close to my home (she was driving from a different area of where I live) and told me she needed a place to stay because her dog was in heat. I overheard her talking on her cell phone telling the other person that there is no privacy in my home. She helped me clean my home and as a way of saying thank-you and showing my appreciation for what she had done for me...I went out and bought her a book that she had been asking for. She wasn't pleased that I had bought her a gift and made me feel like trash for doing so.

Enough of my rant...

It has come to the point where I avoid her phone calls and don't listen to most of her voice mails that she leaves for me. I don't enjoy or look forward to the time we spend together. It feels more like a duty or obligation. After spending a day or sometime together with her it takes about 3 days for the negative energy to pass out of my system. I am naturally shy but when I am around her I am submissive and behave oddly. I can never be totally honest with her because she would just dismiss what I have to say or be verbally abusive towards me.

Ok...

I am right in thinking that this relationship has no future?

Comments, advice, and suggestions are all welcomed!!

Thank-you,

Zen888

[Shangrala]

Zen~

You have just described my sister to the detail., (with the exception of the neatness).

My sis has to be right in everything. She absolutely demands it. There was a time in our early adulthood that she was so bad that I went as far as to print out a certificate of completion to the Academy of Knowology as the student with the highest degree of being a Knowologist.

I'm sorry that your friend is as such. You have every right to feel as you do regarding your friend. I know how exhausting it is to try to maintain such a relationship.

There for a while it got so bad between sis n self that I quit communications with her entirely....lasted a good 2 years. We gradually reunited, but this time I tried a completely different approach. I allowed her to believe she was right...about any and everything. I quit arguing with her and anything that I wanted kept secret I certainly didn't tell her.

Because she's my sis and I do love her so much, I couldn't simply just forget about her. The break apart did do us justice though.

Depending on how important this friendship is to you should determine if you feel you are at a loss with her. As it is, I wouldn't expect much of a change from her, unless you are willing to express to her your concerns and perhaps include some ideas as a means of solution in order to salvage your friendship. Of course, that depends on if she isn't so offended that she doesn't accuse you of attacking her with such slander first, (sis was extremely defensive of herself, as well).

I hope the best for your situation with your friend.
Communication is the most important thing here, but with her unwillingness to be receptive, it just may be more difficult than not for you.

Take care~

Shangrala

[0ldsoul]

I think that describes allot of people

Always people you care about too it seems.

When I find myself at my wits end with people and actually consider isolating myself from them or writing them completely off as a friend, I basically think and consider that at this point I have nothing to lose in being open and honest about their attitudes and behaviors towards me. Basically saying that if you write them off, your no longer friends, and if your open and honest, which in turns angers them to the point where your no longer friends, its the same end result. You only everything to gain from confronting his/her attitude and nothing to lose.

Also, remember that people tend to really be care free with no "filters" or fears of saying exactly whats on their minds when they a very close to you. They feel safe and probably do not fear just acting themselves. So you as a friend, should actually consider that perhaps a serious talk with them could in turn work wonders, and really hit home with the person. You could help them develop as a person, I bet they respect your opinion more than you think.

Good luck with it, I wish you luck

0ldsoul

[jerrymichele]

Zen I wouldn't give her the time of day anymore either. I also have a sister who is somewhat like this. I refuse to speak to her, because she is a very controlling person, and talks crap about people behind their backs. Yes I love her, but there just comes a time in a person's life when you get fed up and say enough is enough! I also can't be around her because of my panic disorder. So Zen if she makes your anxiety worse than what it already is then I would say leave her alone.

[Zen888]

Originally Posted by Shangrala

Zen~

You have just described my sister to the detail., (with the exception of the neatness).

My sis has to be right in everything. She absolutely demands it. There was a time in our early adulthood that she was so bad that I went as far as to print out a certificate of completion to the Academy of Knowology as the student with the highest degree of being a Knowologist.

I'm sorry that your friend is as such. You have every right to feel as you do regarding your friend. I know how exhausting it is to try to maintain such a relationship.

There for a while it got so bad between sis n self that I quit communications with her entirely....lasted a good 2 years. We gradually reunited, but this time I tried a completely different approach. I allowed her to believe she was right...about any and everything. I quit arguing with her and anything that I wanted kept secret I certainly didn't tell her.

Because she's my sis and I do love her so much, I couldn't simply just forget about her. The break apart did do us justice though.

Depending on how important this friendship is to you should determine if you feel you are at a loss with her. As it is, I wouldn't expect much of a change from her, unless you are willing to express to her your concerns and perhaps include some ideas as a means of solution in order to salvage your friendship. Of course, that depends on if she isn't so offended that she doesn't accuse you of attacking her with such slander first, (sis was extremely defensive of herself, as well).

I hope the best for your situation with your friend.
Communication is the most important thing here, but with her unwillingness to be receptive, it just may be more difficult than not for you.

Take care~

Shangrala

Hi Shangrala

Thank-you for your wonderful insights and ability to relate to my situation.

My friend would become extremely defensive if I were to list off the things that upset me about her behavior/personality. She has said on more than one occasion that she can justify or understand my behavior because I have bipolar disorder and PTSD but as for her other friends there is no legitimate explanation. I felt like accusing her or telling her of her OCD behaviorisms (sorry if I have offended anyone by mentioning OCD in this manner). That comment hurt alot when she said that to me. I didn't ask to have bipolar disorder and PTSD and for her to say such a thing makes me embarrassed to be her friend because she has worked with ppl from all walks of life. Just felt like a major slap on the face and very humilating.

(((((((((((((((((Shangrala)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Zen888]

Originally Posted by 0ldsoul

I think that describes allot of people

Always people you care about too it seems.

When I find myself at my wits end with people and actually consider isolating myself from them or writing them completely off as a friend, I basically think and consider that at this point I have nothing to lose in being open and honest about their attitudes and behaviors towards me. Basically saying that if you write them off, your no longer friends, and if your open and honest, which in turns angers them to the point where your no longer friends, its the same end result. You only everything to gain from confronting his/her attitude and nothing to lose.

Also, remember that people tend to really be care free with no "filters" or fears of saying exactly whats on their minds when they a very close to you. They feel safe and probably do not fear just acting themselves. So you as a friend, should actually consider that perhaps a serious talk with them could in turn work wonders, and really hit home with the person. You could help them develop as a person, I bet they respect your opinion more than you think.

Good luck with it, I wish you luck

0ldsoul

Hi Oldsoul

You are correct on so many levels but I am certain that I would be meant with a verbally abusive e-mail or a self-rightous (excuse my spelling) attitude towards what I would have to say in order to be completely open and honest. In addition, I am also friends of sorts with her parents. And I do business with one of her parents. So, I am in a rock and a hard place. I have been struggling to keep up a friendship with her from the get go. Her parents say that they stay out of their childrens arguements...etc (both children are adults). I just don't want to be put in an difficult position in my relationship with her parents. They are very nice ppl but they too display some OCD like behaviorism.

((((((((((((((((Oldsoul)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Zen888]

Originally Posted by jerrymichele

Zen I wouldn't give her the time of day anymore either. I also have a sister who is somewhat like this. I refuse to speak to her, because she is a very controlling person, and talks crap about people behind their backs. Yes I love her, but there just comes a time in a person's life when you get fed up and say enough is enough! I also can't be around her because of my panic disorder. So Zen if she makes your anxiety worse than what it already is then I would say leave her alone.

Hi jerrymichele

Yes, my anxiety does go up when I am with her or on the phone talking to her. It's just such a shame that she is such a wonderful person on the one hand and on the other she shows signs of OCD behaviorism. I think distance is the key for me right now. Confronting her would be pointless it wouldn't bring us closer together. Just re-read the list of things that upset me about her and you start to develop some insight on what it must be like to be her and to have her as a friend.

(((((((((((((((((jerrymichele))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Peppermint_Patty]

Hi Zen,

If it were me, I would end the friendship with this person and find some other people to hang out with. And I wouldn't tell this person the friendship is over... I would just stop returning their phone calls, emails, etc. Sooner or later, they will get the hint.

Anyway... You say you conduct business with the parents of this friend.

What sort of business? Are the parents your employer, boss, clients or what?

You also mentioned that the parents have said that they don't get involved in their children's arguments. If that is the case, then the termination of the friendship probably wouldn't affect your relationship with them.

And IF they were to ask you about why you no longer hang out with their daughter... all you need to say is that "We just don't have much in common anymore."

That's all the explanation that is necessary. There's no need to get into anymore details than that.

Anywho... good luck to you.

[garden]

Hi. Your friend sounds as though she was a friend to herself. But I agree that the personality make up is that of most of society. No place to be yourself.

[Rmdctc]

I have a friend who is very difficult to deal with as well. I believe the best advice for this is to either put up with the person as they are or to not be friends anymore at all. I wish you luck with it because I know how hard it is to make this decision but you must always do what will make you happy first because life is too short to not be as happy as you can be!

[Shangrala]

Hi, again, Zen~

I've also realized about my sister (in relation to your friend), now that it is many, many years later, that over the years, she has exhausted herself just by being the overbearing, judgemental knowologist that she is. As well as losing all her 'friends' along her way. Resulting in a involuntary self-made iscolation. The very sad thing about this result is that she simply cannot see that SHE is the creator of her own reality, leaving her even more angry and bitter...blaming everyone else, of course, for her own shortcomings.

Of course, being my sister, I love her, regardless....but I definately maintain my distance. We live only 15 minutes apart and I see relatives from another state more often than I do my sister. It's sad cuz we were the best of friends in our youth. She's only 3 years younger than me, yet conducts herself as though she is 15-20 years older....even her appearance states that she seems miserable, At one time, our doctor (we share same), mistook sis as my mother.....
Her attitude is far too negative and.....well, she acts far too old for who I am. A definate clash.

I agree with PPatty regarding the parents and business involvement. What is going on with your friend should in NO way influence what business you have with parents. Especially if they remain out of their kid's personal affairs. I wouldn't be so concerned with that creating an issue.
Like PPatty already mentioned, if they do inquire about it, which is unlikely, all you need to say is that "We just don't have much in common anymore." That should suffice.

Again, I wish you the best.

Shangrala