[Typo]

I think as a child I failed to fully bond with my parents.

I have a huge distaste for my family, like they where some bad after taste, it’s horrible, I hate I feel that way. I know the abuse I suffered from the hands of my uncle has most of to do with this. But on the other hand I wonder if all the blame is truly to be placed on that, maybe my parents are partially responsible.

My mom has always been emotinoally and verbally abusive towards me, and well the whole family, even my father. It’s like she looks for ways to cut you down when you feel good, she waits for a moment to rip you to pieces. My dad, who I am closer to of them both is manipulative. They both make me keep secrets from the other one. And I feel a sort of cold detachment from my little sister at times, but at the same time I’m fiercely protective of her and in a sense view her as my child. I also get insanely jelaous of her, for reasons I don’t fully understand. I hate all of these insane feelings I have towards them.

The worst of it all is my mom, I have this hatered and anger towards her and her family. I know this probably comes from the fact it was her half brother that abused me, I don’t like my aunts or little cousins either, or any of my aunt’s husbands. I steer clear of that whole side of the family, the only ones I ever had anything to do with where my great grandmother and grandmother, both of whom I lost six months apart. After they died, I made sure and still make sure I wiggle out of all family engagments with them.

I feel horrible, like I’m a monster for having these emotions, I feel selfish and horrible that I have so much, detachment and dislike for my family. It makes me cry. Makes me feel like a horrible failure as a daughter or sister. I failed them….

On a side note from ages 12-16 I was attached to my parents, any time they would go overnight somewhere and left us at either of my grandmothers I would have a fit like I was a child, throw myself on the floor, attach to their legs, scream and cry till I hyperventilated, I would delay their departure for an hour or sometimes make them stay and cancel their plans I would act out and carry on so. All this time my little sister being okay with it and happily playing with her toys or watching a movie while I carried on like I was four years old. I refused to let them out of my sight, it wasn’t till about 16 that I grew out of it and didn’t become nervous or upset staying away from them or not seeing them everyday.

Then I there are times presently where I cling to them and demand that my mom holds me, or I sit by one of them and refuse to leave their side, it’s like I reveart to a small child just clinging on and almost crying. I beg for their attetion and love. I will stay home entire days off with them, following them where ever they go. I just glue myself to them and demand their love and attention.

It is so confusing, I do a push and pull dance with them. I want you please don’t go, wait no I hate you go away. I want them , I want to include them in my day to day life, I want to be closer to them, let them in more. At the same time, I’m scared of them, I have anger towards them, I want them away from me, in a sense out of my life.

My mom has always told me, as have my father, and my little sister who is 11 years old, they have all at one point told me I am distant, I never let them in, I am almost cold to them and even at times hateful.

My mom told me one day, “I’m scared that when you move out, I’ll never see you again, that you will just write us all out of your life”
She has a right to be afraid, it’s something I could very much do, and in a very small part of me, plans to do.

Yes, my family is dsyfunctional, both my parents are bipolar and had very disruptive homes as children, espically my mom. I understand where some of their issues come from, I know why the act the way they do sometimes. They do the best they can, with what they have, they have screwed up sometimes, they have made mistakes. But I know everything they do is in the best interest of me and my little sister, and that is what makes me feel so sad to feel the way I do towards them. It eats me alive with guilt, and anger and depression I am the way I am to them. I do love them, I know they love me. It’s just like I never FULLY bonded with them, it’s like that got interupted, that chance for it to happen got destroyed.

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to fix it, I don’t know if I want to fix it, If I’m brave enough….

It just…..it….really saddnes me…..that this is how things are..

[jerrymichele]

Silversparrow I'm sorry this is so painful for you. Do you have anyone that you can talk to? You have been threw a lot for someone your age. It's no wonder why your emotions get the best of you.

[AAAAA]

(((Silver))) I'm so sorry that you're going through this. When I turned 18 I left and didn't come back for a long time. My relationship with my parents for a long time after that was on my terms. I always lived quite a distance away from them so that impromtu visits were not an option.

Once I had kids our relationship did change, mostly for the better. But living near them was not an option if I was going to keep my sanity. We now live about 4 hours away from them, close enough that if something happens I can be there in a snap, but far enough away that it isn't easily done on a Sunday drive.

Like any other relationship, the one you have with your parents will evolve. Hopefully for the better.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Silversparrow

I think as a child I failed to fully bond with my parents.

You might want to hang out with that possibility a bit longer before deciding one way or the other. Sometimes I think I succeeded in not bonding fully with mine.

You describe a fair amount of crazymaking stuff going on in your family that you'd quite likely be better off at a safe distance from, at least until you gain some perspective on it.

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to fix it, I don’t know if I want to fix it, If I’m brave enough….

If you hang around with me I'm likely to pass you a paradox at any time. Ready? Here, catch! Not knowing is one of the most powerful places you can be, provided you're willing to be there.

It just…..it….really saddnes me…..that this is how things are..

Somehow I get the impression that you're big on wanting to fix things -- partly so they'll be better, of course, but also to keep learning how much difference you're able to make. Sometimes the things that make the most difference in the long run, though, are deceptively small and simple and look like they'd be hardly worth doing. You don't find out differently until some time, maybe quite some time, after you've done them. It's easier to spot them when you don't know what they're going to look like and you aren't all busy worrying that you're supposed to know.