imagined rejection?

this happens all the time.. friendships, "romantic" relationships, my family.. i do have a somewhat traumatic history of being rejection at some critical points, and i'm sure this has lead me to how i feel now, but i don't know what to do about it.

i think i'm being rejected by the few people who care about me all the time. something dumb will happen. i feel like i'm being left out and they are purposely telling me so that i know, i feel like someone will deliberately not call me back after they said they would, i feel like someone coming home 20 minutes late means they are about to get up and leave my life forever. i know it's overly dramatic and usually it leads to nothing. i freak out, and these freak outs put strain on relationships and inevitably DO cause me being rejected by that person because they cannot handle my neediness when they are doing nothing wrong.

at this stage, i know when i'm "probably" imagining it, and i have learned to keep my mouth shut and not say anything when i think i'm on the cusp of losing someone i care about, but the probably is what bugs me. i convince myself enough to not say anything to them, but i still honestly feel like it's happening and i'm just trying to delude myself or at least not appear like needy idiot, but i still feel terrible pain over it.

i don't know what to do.. i don't want to talk to the people about it because i know i will come across as insane and it's my problem, not theirs, but at the same time i don't want to sit here and sob for hours and hours because i think my best friend hates me, and i know she wouldn't want me feeling that way either, so what do i do? i CANNOT talk to her about it anymore. i have so much already, and i'm just afraid that one more freak out over feeling rejected and ignored is going to throw her over the edge of really not wanting to be friends with me because i am a needy insane freak. i just need a way to fix it myself, rather than project my feelings on her. of course this is not just a problem with her, as i said, it's been all my life and i have lost friendships due to me trying to express how i feel, but i just can't seem to do it properly.

and really, honestly when i am feeling rejected i don't believe it's imaginary. i believe it is true, and i just try so hard to convince myself its imaginary so that i don't freak out too much. it's so ridiculous though because i can't even count the number of times i've laid in bed crying all night over someone only to have them call the next day, totally unknowing how i feel, and apologize for whatever kept them away or anything. so i know i'm ridiculous and stupid and i just dont know how to get over it.

Have you thought about therapy? You might need to figure out what happened in your past to go forward in your life. Sometimes my friends don't call me when they say they are going to, and I just assume they are busy. They usual end up calling me later, or I call them.

thank you for replying. i only had therapy for a couple months because then i could no longer stay where i was (at school) due to money and now i cant afford one, don't have insurance, and the free place here was really mean to me when i tried it. i guess that seems like the best way to go, though. i will have to look into therapy i can get with my limited income again.

I'm just wondering when you went to the free place was it the therapist who was mean? If it was the front desk people I wouldn't worry about them to much. I encounter these situations a lot. I just ask them if they are having a bad day. When I do this they seem to change their attitude a little bit where their not so defensive. A lot of times I don't think people realize their coming across that way. If it's a therapist you can report he/she to human resource, and even the front desk people.

oh, no she was really mean. i stuck with her a few weeks just to make sure. but like, for example, i had gotten in trouble for downloading movies online (NOT porn) and that gave me a ton of anxiety and when i tried to talk to her about it she would not believe me that it wasn't porn. she kept saying "i cant help if you dont tell the truth" like, what the hell. another time i was 5 minutes late because my brother couldnt find it to drive me there and she said my brother must be a "selfish jerk" because he couldnt get me there on time. there's lots more than that, but it was just so shocking.. i asked them if i could switch therapists and they told me they were so overbooked that they couldn't do that. maybe i can see if i can start up again with someone new