[Shangrala]

This is a question primarily for the women out there, although the responses from you men are equally welcomed and actually, encouraged.

The other day a male friend and I were talking (over msn). We were discussing relationships, our past relationships, the regarding behaviors and what our actions may/may not have contributed to the result of the demise of our past relationships.

He described himself as very devoted to his woman. That, when involved, the woman is the only person who matters. He considers himself second to her and attends to her in every respect possible as she being more important than himself. And that he would not even think about, let alone look at or talk to any other woman during his involvement.
Needless to say that he was pretty devistated when she left him. I cannot be precise in relaying her reasons why.

I tried to explain to him that it was quite possible that he made the relationsip too "easy" for her. That possibly, she felt that there wasn't a challenge, became bored. I know...it's vague and really hard to offer him a possible reason why she left.

I also tried to explain to him that some women need to be challenged in the sense that there is competition....something which keeps us on our toes...something to strive for....something to give us a sense of earning our man's desire of us.
That some women who have things handed to them so easily and repeatedly that they become bored (in a sense) because there is nothing which allows them to earn their status.

I suppose that there are some women who love to have a "Yes Man", however, I can't rightly say that I know any.
Also~ Understand that I don't exactly care for the term "Yes Man", as this is a mere title which seems degrading in itself. I am using this term this time in particular to convey my meaning easier.

I can speak only for myself, obviously...lol. When I was with my previous, he loved me..that was undeniable...his actions proved that...however, he could not tell me "I Love You"....just could not do it.
We were more like married best friends. Got along great. Never argued, let alone ever said a harsh word toward eachother. When we did have a problem, we talked it out rationally with mutual respect.
In that aspect....ours couldn't be better.
We lacked romance and our sex seriously suffered. The responsibility of romance was all on me. I had to initiate any sexual activity. That got old real quick, (considering we were in our 20's then...lol), although he certainly didn't seem to mind the way it was between us. If there was any talk of trying out new approaches to spice the sex up, it was up to me to initiate.
Once reaching our 10 year mark I realized that I needed more. I tried for so long to create a mutual balance between us, but ...."one can only lead that horse to water"....so to speak.
I informed him of my needs, and gave him ample time to try to attend to us but to no avail. Unfortunately, I needed more, and I was not about to seek it outside of our marriage. I respected him far too much to be unfaithful to him...(and an open relationship was out of the question...he was far too jealous for anything like that...tho I surely would have gone for that).

He showed absolutely no interest in any other woman, which I found unusual at that age. Granted, I understand that he had respect and love for me, thus feeling his needs were met, (and sure, I loved that...offered me a great sense of security)...Heck...I could trust him in a roomful of naked women and KNOW that he wouldn't act upon that. I'm NOT compaining....lol. I was the exact same way with him, yet sure...my eyes roamed. But, I let him know that though I may look at times (took alot for my eyes to look)...that my heart always belonged with him...(btw..I never looked while in his presence....lol). He couldn't understand the "look but don't touch" reasoning., even though I reassured him that it was absolutely normal and alright to.

I think I'm getting off track here....lol.
Anyway....My question, I suppose, is if you were in a relationship with a man who handed you everything at your every whim, (which there is nothing wrong with), would that suffice?
Can any of you women offer your opinions regarding the "competition theory"?

Thanks for responding to this random question. I appreciate it.

Shangrala

[Rhapsody]

While I like a man that is attentive - I have to say that I also like that man to be able to give me room to be me when needed.
IMO.... no single person likes to be smothered and needs time alone.

[Shangrala]

Rhap~
I understand what you're saying..however, I think perhaps I wasn't clear enough, as this isn't exactly about providing another necessary space (smothering another)....but more along the line of the "competition" of another woman to whom your mate may/may not express interest in?

Allow me to try another approach....lol.

Q: If she knew that she is already everything to the man in her life and he is completely satisfied, therefore isn't going anywhere...What would be the purpose for her need to seek competition? Why would she be seeking that need to be satisfied?

A: Could it be that it isn't a matter of knowing that he isn't going anywhere, but rather, a matter of knowing that she can sustain the competition (another woman who he may find attractive), and to be acknowledged for it by her man?

Gawd..I think I may be confusing myself here....lol..And if I'm confusing self....Lord knows how y'all must definately be confuzzled by now....LMAO.

Shangrala

[Rhapsody]

As strange as it seems some people live for the hunt... they are not satisfied unless there is some thing out there making them fight.

[AAAAA]

My husband is and has always been very attentive. This has changed over the years, in the beginning I took these gestures of love as an insult. "I can do it myself!". So I guess that in these terms he would be concidered a "yes-man" although he certainly has his own opinions.

I don't understand the concept of "too easy". All relationships take a great deal of work to keep them healthy. I don't feel the need to compete with other women just to believe that my husband is worth keeping. I'm not jealous because I trust him completely. I just don't need the drama to keep my marriage interesting.

I understand what you're saying although I've never understood it. About 25years ago my cousin was recently divorced with three kids under the age of 4. She is intelligent and very attractive. The man she married was not an attractive man, had the personality of a box of rocks, couldn't hold down a job and treated her like dirt. I introduced her to a man that was a gentleman. He fell madly in love with her and treated her and her children like royalty. After they had been dating a year my husband and I were getting ready to move and she said once we left she wasn't going to see him any more, he was "too nice". I told her that the dumbest thing I'd ever heard! Too nice! If there's no chemisty I get that, you have to move on. I told her if she wanted to date the same losers she had been before she met him she didn't deserve him cut him loose and someone will snatch him up. They've been married for more than 20 years. Saddly I suspect that the reappearance of his younger, just as pretty ex-girlfriend without children, showing an interest in him somehow made him more appealing.

[horsecab]

I think all this competition stuff is simply a subconcious way of acting out a persons issues. I think a man treating his woman well is great, unless she is taking advantage of it and losing respect of him. He needs to treat her well, but know when he is being used. I use to have that problem of knocking myself out for unappreciative women, (it was more like a boy pleasing his mom), and I learned that they seemed to lose respect for me, (I guess that's why nice guys finish last). Meaning I had to sometimes stop myself from being used for everything they wanted and set definate boundries. In other words, don't say yes to everything and stick up for my self worth. Just thought I'd throw in my two cents worth, since you led this horse to water, lol.

[Shangrala]

Awwwwww...Horsey....You quenched your thirst, didn't you?!?
I appreciate your response. Thanks.

I have a brother who, when he "used to" attend to a woman of prospective interest, he'd shower them with an over abundance of ....everything. On the first date, instead of a rose, he'd take a dozen. On the second or third date, instead of a charming bracelet or necklace, he'd buy her a huge diamond ring, although stating to her that is a token of his appreciation. He'd be at her beacon call, sometimes scaring her off. And those he hadn't scared off, saw him as an easy target and used him for everything they could get out of him.

Although I tried many times to teach him a more appropriate technique of approach, (with hopes he'd listen so he wouldn't eventually burn out from repeated heartbreaks), it was to no avail. He did, in fact burn out. But harbors much resentment toward women in general. He believes that women are merely out for the take and that's that.

It saddens me that men, such as my brother, who are the sweetest there can be, are the ones who are "the nice guys who finish last". And who seem to also be the one's who take up with women who see those sweet hearts as a mere easy score for goods. Shame on them.

(It's women like that who give women like me a bad rap...HONEST.....lol).

Shangrala

[tat2doc]

Nice guys do finish last. And when it happens enough times, they get a FTW attitude and don't let anyone in except their old bro's from their motorcycle club days. Then they sit around and remember the old days and why CDC.