[Zen888]

I recently ended a friendship with this woman that I have known for almost 10 years. I ended it in the most immature and unkind manner---I sent her a simple e-mail stating: "Stop calling me. Thank-you". She sent me 2 e-mails in response to my intial e-mail which I didn't open I simply deleted these e-mails. I didn't want to read them because I didn't want to get my emotions all stirred up and I didn't want to have her words/thoughts running through my mind constantly.

I could have sent her an honest and truthful e-mail stating why I didn't want to be friends with her anymore. But what I would have to say would undoubtly hurt her feelings and that isn't something I want to do to her. She has obvious symptoms of OCD, perfectionism, controlling, temper control problems...list goes on. On the other side of the coin she is loving, thoughtful, compassionate...etc. I was simply overwhelmed with her negative behaviorisms/traits that I was deeply unsatisfied in this relationship with her. I truly think that the relationship was/is unbalanced and unhealthy. I tried for so many years to come to terms with her negative attributes and try my best to not let them overwhelm me or bother me. But in the end it became a chore or duty to meet up with her to do basic things like going out for lunch/dinner, go to the movie theatre, renting movies, shopping...etc. I had to do what would please her in order to avoid conflict or a lengthy conversation regarding my preference. For instance she would give me a choice of 3 restaurants we may try and I would choose one of them and she would most likely say no I don't want to go there. So, I couldn't "win" I had to simply guess at which restaurant or whatever the choice may be that she would ultimately like.

One day she related problems she was having with some of her other friends and she said something very unkind and thoughtless to me. She said "I can understand your behavior because you have bipolar disorder but the rest of them there is no excuse for their behavior". I was deeply hurt by what she said to me and felt the urge to point out how distructive her comment was and to tell her of her OCD behaviorism that are difficult and emotionally draining to deal with. On another occasion I was at a dinner party at her parent's home and I was talking to a friend of her's at the kitchen table. I was just talking about everyday boring stuff and acting perfectly normal. As I walked away this person whispered to his girlfriend "Don't worry about her she has mental problems". Again, on a couple of occasions her brother has made fun of my disorder by making rude comments towards me in front of other people.

Currently, I feel several emotions such as sadness, relief, anger, disappointment...etc. I know in my heart that I should have ended the friendship with her many years ago but I was emotionally fragile and it is a complicated situation. Her dad is my financial advisor and I am friends with her mom. I cannot remember which parent said this to me but one of them stated that "we don't get involved in (our daughter's) conflicts/relationships". So right now it is kinda of an uneasy situation to be in. I am hoping and praying that her dad can be objective and mature about my friendship with his daughter ending. And not withdraw his services that he provides to me.

I do have a new friend but she is in Africa for the summer and will be starting a new job this fall. I will do everything in my power to foster this new relationship.

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Comments? Suggestions? Advice?....are all welcomed and greatly appreciated! Thank-you!

[jerrymichele]

I really think that you did the right thing ending the relationship with her. Her brother seems to act like a child making fun of your disorder. You can tell by her brother that she has spoken to him about you. So, you really did do the right thing. I wouldn't worry to much about her parents, so that means that they must know how she is. It will be ok.

[Shangrala]

Hi Zen~

I remember replying to one of your other threads regarding this friend of yours.

I commend you on gathering the strength and courage to bring this to an end for yourself.
I honestly believe that this should have no bearing on anything regarding your professional relationship with her father, after all....business IS seperate from private.

I completely understand your reasons for ending the friendship the way you had, however, perhaps to eliminate any further possibilities of more questions from your friend, a brief explanation would have been in order....If only to save yourself any future possible contacts from her.

It would seem to me....that if I had received such a blunt good-bye from someone I was friends with for 10 years, (such as the one you sent to your friend), it would have only created a need TO obtain an explanation?

And, especially with your friend being controlling, it would also seem that it would encourage her to strive TO have the final word in the matter anyway..?..
Gosh....I really can't say...

I'm really sorry you have to go through with this, especially after sharing so much of your life with that person. I do feel, though, that you are much better off without having that negative influence in your life. No one needs that kind of energy draining them.

Take care...keep true to yourself.

Shangrala

[lynn P.]

I agree that it's better that you've ended this friendship but I know it still must be hard. I agree with Shangrala that it would be preferred to give her an explanation because with her OCD she may start getting obsessive about it. Plus she may wonder for a long time and then talk to her family about it and start speculating on thier own why your friendship ended. Good luck with your new friendship and try to work on your assertiveness so similar issues don't come up. I remember responding to the other thread as well advising you to become comfortable with saying NO LOL Take care

[I_WMD]

Mental Disorders ?????/ and that is thought of today as a problem ???
and here I was just thinking others were talking about how I never learned to dress myself ,,,,,,, whew >>>> what a relief !

But seriously >>> Zenn ,, good thing ya managed to break away from this toxic relationship ,,,, IMO ,, it shows/proves >>>>... there is knowledge and strength to be gained ,,, when we do not let our own [ to others it seems ] mindsets hold us back from truthful expression ,,,.

Take Care Partner .

WMD.

[leahcim]

I think your judgement was sound in your handling of the situation in my opinion. I don't see a better outcome by being "brutally honest" given what you have stated.

Shouldn't be any problem in keeping your finances with her father, but there should be no problem if you decide to move it to another adviser either.

Good luck with the new relatioinship!

[Rmdctc]

Im sorry you had to end your friendship but maybe it was for the best.

[Zen888]

Thank-you so much for your thoughtful comments and advice that you have all given to me! I greatly appreciate them.

Last night, I thought of something that may be an issue with a job that I want to apply for this fall 2009. It is at an organic grocery store. My former friend and her family loves all things organic and I know that they have shopped there in the past. I am worried that if I do get hired at this store that I may "run into them" while working there. I seriously don't think that they will "cause a scene" or be inappropriate towards me due to our new situation/relationship. It will just be an uneasy situation. Most likely if I get a position such as a cashier they would just choose another cashier to have their items processed.

Any ideas on how to handle such a situation if I do "run into them" at this organic grocery store if I do get hired there in any capacity? My first reaction inside my body/brain is to become shy and feel like running and hiding. I know I have to work very hard and practise my assertiveness skills/social skills!

I know I should write my former friend an honest e-mail telling her exactly why I do not wish to be friends with her anymore. But I just don't know how to go about it...how to compose the e-mail with out seeming confrontational or rude. She in my mind shows concrete symptoms of OCD and will re-read and analyze every word and hidden meaning in an e-mail that I would send to her. And I know for a fact that she would keep the e-mail for all eternity. And most likely share what I have written to her with her family and friends. And use my mental illness (bipolar disorder & PTSD) as reasons for my e-mail (what I have said in the e-mail). Instead of someone just stating the facts of the situation. And I don't want to be put in a difficult situation with her father and upset him if she shares what I have said in "the e-mail" with him. He is a genuinely nice and down-to-earth man with a kind heart.

Tips on how to write a non-confrontational and polite e-mail to my former friend would be greatly appreciated. Please keep in mind her OCD symptoms and need to be in control at all times.

Again I do sincerely apologize if I have offended anyone who has OCD or knows of anyone who has this particular disorder. My intent was never to offend or belittle anyone who has OCD.

[lynn P.]

I think if you get hired at the grocery store and you run into them - just act pleasant and normal. If you run into her dad you might want to mention that you hope this won't affect your business relationship - if he's down to earth he probably won't let that happen.
If you want to write her a note, it's probably best not to take the tone that you're not blaming her, where she will then become defensive. It's not that either one of you is really at fault, rather you both are just miss matched for each other now. She's dominant and you're more passive but learning or wishing to become more assertive - which doesn't agree with her. Relationships evolve and grow - which means sometimes it requires a parting of the ways. You were fine at first with her, but you're growing up and your needs are different and it was taking too much energy and work to maintain the friendship. Perhaps you needed this experience to learn that you really need to think for yourself and be assertive.
You could say something like I don't want us to be bitter and I don't want you to wonder why the friendship has taken this turn. I value the friendship that we had, but unfortunately because we've both changed, it has become unbalanced - where you no longer feel it's healthy for either one of you.
I hope though that if you do see her that you both won't ignore each other because that's uncomfortable for you both. You can still be polite and maybe one day be friends in a different more balanced way than before.

[Zen888]

Tis Zen again!

I still haven't bothered sending my former friend an e-mail to explain to her why I don't wish to be friends with her anymore. I feel like I need a clean break from the past and clear my mind before I am ready to send her an honest e-mail.

So far, her dad hasn't e-mailed me or called me to tell me that he doesn't want to manage my finanices. I guess that is a positive sign?

On a brighter note, my new friend that is in Africa this summer will be returning home soon. Monday is a holiday where I live, so on Tuesday I plan to order her a floral arrangement for her birthday which is in September. I love sending people flowers! And gifts in general! Nothing makes me happier than to give someone a gift or donate to animal humane shelters.

I just don't know when I am going to be ready mentally to compose an e-mail to my former friend. Right now I am just enjoying not having to deal with her control issues and OCD behaviorisms. I know I shouldn't cast stones when I have my own mental health issues to deal with but it was so very hard for me to keep up the "act" that I enjoyed her company/friendship.