[myoasis89]

so long story short...my brother's fiance kicked me out of their house when I was 18 and going to school and working. (she was the one who wanted me to live with them) My brother and his fiance were upset that I was not forming a relaitonship with them...instead I was concentrating on my studies and work (they are in their 30s at the time) His fiance wanted me to go out drinking with her...and help her take care of her kid, clean the house and make my own dinner....brother kicks me out before my final exams (its a wonder I did not flunk out of school)...don't talk to him for two years.

My brother is getting married to this woman two years from then...she calls me to tell me that she wants to see me before the wedding. The reason is ebcause she doesn't want it to be awkward amoung us. I told her that I was uncomfortable with that and I jsut wanted to go with my parents to the wedding for my brother.

she was upset...I also told her that if my brother wnats to see me so bad...he can phone me himself instead of through her.

my brother tells my niece who is staying with him...that he never had a close relaitonship with me anyways...I got upset.

(meanwhile) my parents have been fighting with my brother on and off. He phones them up and yells at them...my parents yell at him for the way he is treating me....then my mom finally decides that the reason why me and my brother can't get along is because of culture wars. I am used to a structured family setting...while my brother's fiance left home at 14 and never had a real family...

I dunno why I'm upset...I'm happy that there is no more fighting...but I am unhappy because my brother treated me like crap and he hasn't said sorry....when he expected me to...I guess I am not sure if my parents really realise what he put me through

tell me what you think...have I been abused here...should I make the point clear to my parents that I do not like being walked all over...and that my brother should apologize for his behaviour?

[Pomegranate]

I think your brother and his fiance did not treat you well. I don't think trying to get your parents to understand that - to get them "on your side" - is a good idea. I would follow your initial reaction in just simply wanting to go to the wedding with your parents - or by yourself - have a good time and wish the couple happiness in their new life. Keep it simple.

I'd keep the back story out of the situation, attend the wedding if that is what you feel like doing and then continue on with your life as it is. It's your decision how close, or not, a relationship you are going to have with your brother and his wife - or anyone else for that matter. They will either respect your feelings and follow your lead or they won't.

So then they'll be hurt and angry but that's really not your problem, it's their's.

Or they MIGHT review their own actions from the past and feel some guilt and try to get the relationship between you and them on a better footing. It's then your choice to respond to that or not. I would deal with the now and look ahead, not behind.

[myoasis89]

Originally Posted by Pomegranate

I think your brother and his fiance did not treat you well. I don't think trying to get your parents to understand that - to get them "on your side" - is a good idea. I would follow your initial reaction in just simply wanting to go to the wedding with your parents - or by yourself - have a good time and wish the couple happiness in their new life. Keep it simple.

I'd keep the back story out of the situation, attend the wedding if that is what you feel like doing and then continue on with your life as it is. It's your decision how close, or not, a relationship you are going to have with your brother and his wife - or anyone else for that matter. They will either respect your feelings and follow your lead or they won't.

So then they'll be hurt and angry but that's really not your problem, it's their's.



Or they MIGHT review their own actions from the past and feel some guilt and try to get the relationship between you and them on a better footing. It's then your choice to respond to that or not. I would deal with the now and look ahead, not behind.

I very much agree with you pomegranate...I was afraid that I was wrong...but its nice knowing someone else agrees. I don't want to break up the family but I also need to worry about my own emotions and how people treat me...I will go to the wedding...but they can not force me to be in a close relationship with them if I don't want it. The could ahve had that with me...but they ruined this themselves...and they are in their 30s ...they need to live with their consequences. I'm only 20 and I did not cause them harm...the issue mostly had to do with my parents and how they didn't accept her in the family...people got me in the middle...and I end up hurt in the end...

I really appreciate the support...I felt very alone on this issue

[sabby]

(((((((((( myoasis89 ))))))))))))

It sounds to me like you are struggling the most with not having your feelings validated. I can so understand that as I had a situation with my father, his brother and SIL and myself. My father asked his brother for help and they took him in. They did their best to keep my father from me, not allowing me to speak to him or come to see him. I was beside myself and wanted to hear it from his mouth, not my uncles' or aunts' mouth. Then, when he took off without telling anyone I scared to death for him and where he might be. At first I thought he may have been hurt and no one knew who to contact about him. So, I called the police and they went to my uncles' home looking for information. Needless to say, they were quite ticked off at me for doing that. We fought about it, wrote some nasty letters to one another and to this day (this was about 15 years ago) they have still not validated my feelings.

I don't care whether or not they agree with me, that's not what I'm looking for....I just wanted validation. Just acknowledge that my feelings were hurt....don't even have to accept responsibility for hurting me...just validate! Geeesh....LOL.

I agree with Pom.....go to the wedding to show your support for your parents and your brother. You can love your brother but it doesn't mean you have to like him, his choices or his actions. Keep the past where it is because this wedding certainly isn't the place to bring it up. As far as your SIL, I'm not sure what she's up to but I would very nicely decline discussing it with her...like you said, your brother should be talking to you, he does have a voice

Take good care hon!


sabby