All this talk about family..

Is making me think about my family. rant.. I am beginning to slowly not be able to stand them. I am 26 and still live with them. My family has always been dysfunctional. I'm sick of them. I need positive relationships. my dad is a bumbling idiot moron. He pays for things for me and I don't have a job and I can't deal anymore. I don't want to be dependent on him. He is stupid. I can't stand him. I don't know why my mom is married to him. He is an idiot. He is a drunkard and he is impossible to communicate with most of the time. His moods are unpredictable and he is hard to get close to. We are not close but he complains to me that I don't talk to him. he complains when I do talk to him. he criticizes me. I think he has delusions and a complex. I don't like him. He is stupid. He is never there for me. we are not on the same level and he doesn't want to change or learn anything. I just want to move out.

I like my mom. She is very passive aggressive though. It's weird. She talks bad about people behind their backs all the time and she plays the devils advocate very well. It makes me sad and annoys me.

I'm trying to be assertive and make friendships that mean something to me. Guess that's all I can do right now.

You might need to start figuring out ways to leave from their home.

yeah, I think I might, JerryMichele. I like your signature by the way.

Aria,

Some of your mother's personality querks probably come from living with your father because of his drinking, at least some of them. Do you attend any of the Twelve Step programs, by chance? There is an Adult Child of Alcoholics section here on PC and there are a few of us who are very well schooled in it. Not the Twelve Step stuff only, but the effects of living with an alcoholic. You might find some of that info helpful. Just a suggestion.

My ex husband is a drunk, and when they are drunk you just can't say anything to them. IMO it's just best to let them be when they are like that.

I also like your avatar.

Sounds like my parents.

They use money as a leash. I don't think it's intentional, but that's the effect. I try telling them to just throw me out of the house--that I'm too used to being unmotivated and taken care of, but they say they love me too much to stop giving me money and shelter.

I just have to figure this out. I lived away from home for four years--but they paid for my apartment and all my other expenses. I was away at college.

It's weird when your parents don't do anything explicitly abusive, but you still feel some kind of abuse. I just think my parents are really good at passive aggressive guilty abuse.

Anytime some issue gets brought up, my mom sends me some long melodramatic E-mail telling me how things are going to be from now on, or she comes up to my room and gives me a lot of unwanted affection. Just stuff that makes me feel kind of gross as a 23-year-old male. I don't need to be showered with kisses and "I love yous." It makes me feel weird. I actually feel this really awful tingling sensation when it happens--like when someone touches you inappropriately and you want to recoil. I almost feel like she relies on me for her love because my dad is such a problem to get along with. This also makes me feel guilty when I spend time alone or without her. She's just milling about the house doing nothing because my dad's either at work or sitting in his office doing work E-mails. Guilt is all perception, but I genuinely feel like there's resentment shared between my parents when I dare enjoy my time without them.

Hope you find a way. Give me some advice if you do. I'm thinking of just jetting without much fanfare, myself. I just don't know how far the money I have will take me. I'm worried about the guilt I'll feel when I do it. I shouldn't feel guilty, though. I'm an adult. Why do my parents make me feel guilty about wanting to be an adult? I don't get it. The more they do this stuff to me, the more I resent them. It blows my mind they're so oblivious to that. Last night, my dad gave me a lecture on how he has no problem with me wanting to move on with my life, but I need to present him with a plan that proves I'm mature enough to move on. Then he'll give me tons of money and keep supporting me while I'm away so I can still feel that invisible leash around my neck. Like, what? I don't need to ask permission to get away from you guys. What is this? I feel so infantilized and emasculated around them.

The thing that bothers me the most is that I seem to be a lot more educated and intellectually curious than either of them. I don't know how I ended up with such boring, "broken" parents. I try to talk myself out of thinking like that, but I can't help it. Their personalities seem like one of my biggest obstacles to overcome. It's honestly just numbing my brain and emotions being around them so much.

I know I sound like a spoiled whiner, but it's the effects of what they give me and do that bug me, not the actual substance. I think there's a way to be loving without making a person feel guilty and embarrassed.

I'm sorry for what you're going through... Hope you find a way out soon

"love your parents that your days might be long upon this earth". you remind me of myself when i was 26...and 36...and 46. i learnt now...our parents are the only people who really, truly love us for ourselves...no other love lasts our lifetime, not the love of siblings...or lovers...or friends...and our children grow to hate us as much as we hated our parents. show them a little love and watch it returned a thousandfold. lol

(((((((((sdl)))))))))

You are 100% right about everything you are feeling. Do you know why? Because you are feeling it.

Also, IMHO, your parents ARE controlling you with their money and what it can provide for you. And they KNOW that it works. They obviously know that you are old enough and smart enough that if you took the notion, you could open the front door and walk out of their lives forever, if that's what you wanted, and there would not be anything they could do about it. So, they are using the most powerful weapons they believe they have at hand to control you. And, in spite of the awful feelings you are experiencing, you are letting them.

Sweetheart, I am not trying to be cruel or mean to you. We all usually are making choices that we don't realize we are making. Your life is the way it is because you are choosing to allow it to be this way.

You can whine, please feel free. Here we allow everyone one whine per week. JUST KIDDING!!!

But the last sentence of your post is critical: "I think there's a way to be loving without making a person feel guilty and embarrassed." No one can MAKE you feel any way. YOU choose your feelings. They are YOUR feelings and, believe it or not, you can choose different ones.

I don't doubt your parents love you but from what you describe, it seems a little twisted. Perhaps a therapist could help you sort some of it out.

Why do your parents have to throw you out of the house? You can leave, can't you? Why must you stay? This is most puzzling. (I feel like Ducky on NCIS).

Please keep posting. There are a lot of great people here who know a lot more than I do. I'm sure you can get some help with your issues.

I feel better about it today, I think because his mood is different (better) and I talked to my mom last night. that made me feel better too. It's funny, my feelings about it go in cycles. Normally when I am upset about him, I just retreat or try to get away. Yesterday though I just snapped, lol. I am waiting to move out until my life is a little more stable. There's a lot of changes going on in my life now. Hopefully it won't be too long.

just want to say...hope I didn't offend people with my first post. I realize the language I used was not very civil. I don't want to give off the wrong impression about myself here. sorry.

Thanks Vickie. I didn't know there was a forum here like that. I'll check it out.

((((sdl)))) hugs to you.

I think I ignore my family issue here at my home a lot. Maybe because I'm so used to it. But it finds a way to leak out. Maybe being honest is the first step. I hope you find your way too.