[sulli]

My relationship history is horrible. I've never had a good, healthy relationship. One was abusive, one couldn't handle me and one I was obsessed with for 7 years after he dumped me. If he had given in, I probably wouldn't have been interested any longer, but I don't know.

And here comes the good guy. Treats me like a princess, I've never felt so feminine in my life. He wants to take care of me and protect me and he loves me unconditionally.

And all I do is complain, give him crap, and find I'm not happy. Why? This is what I want, but why is this not working? We argue a lot, but he doesn't think that's a problem. It really bothers me. I get very mad at him at least once a day. I am annoyed by him a lot. WHY? WHY? WHY?

He's great. I want to really want to be with him. Make sense?

Everyone is so happy for me. People congratulate me all the time and I am just like "yeah....".

I wonder if it's my mind games. If I like the chase and only really like people who don't approve of me, because I don't approve of myself?

He loves me unconditionally and I hate myself, always have. So his unconditional love annoys me at times. When I accuse him of cheating or pick on him about every little thing he does that annoys me, he still loves me and takes it all in stride. And yet that annoys me.

But I know that as soon as he acts like he doesn't want me or is loosing interest....I latch on like a leach.

WTH is my problem?

Girls swoon over this guy. I have competition and yet he chooses me. I don't get it.

So why am I not head over heels in love and happy?

[Xelora]

Well I relate a bit. My husband is just amazingly sweet and I'm afraid it's too easy for me to take him for granted. The counselor says maybe I resent him because of how dependent and enmeshed I've become, he really likes to take care of me and I seem to like to be taken care of, but I guess there is a part of me that bristles at being so far from independent.

I don't think that's all there is to it either. I have the problem of getting really obsessed too about people it can't work with or just friends or even other people who really reject me capturing my attention more than the awesome accepting ones.

[TwiceBitten]

The problem with "good" relationships after "bad" ones is that you find it very difficult to believe they are for real. Most times you try to find reasons why the new one won't work simply because you want to save yourself the pain of going through yet another bad break-up. In my personal experience (and I have plenty - being married to an abusive husband and then an alcoholic, not to mention becomming involved with an abusive alcoholic after both of those) defining a relationship in terms of good and bad is never a good idea. Just because it seems better than the ones you have had in the past does not make it a good relationship. Each time I had a new relationsip I thought it was great because it did not have the bad qualities the past one did - it turned out that it just had OTHER not-so-good qualities that it took me quite some time to see because I was busy trying to focus on the good that I saw.
9 times out of 10 the novelty will wear off and the guy you are with will be not so perfect afterall.
In any case, if you are having these feelings of worthlessness then perhaps it is not time for a new serious relationship just yet for you. You cannot love someone else until you love yourself or at least take the time to work on the problems that make you dislike yourself so much. So if he is in fact a great guy, it might not be fair to expect him to be with someone who cannot possibly love him back.
Just a note...humans are incapable of unconditional love.

[marjan]

I agree with "TwiceBitten"....I think you were in bad relationship that you think this one would be the same, then you like to find a way to prove it....
I am same like you....just please don't ruin your relationship and try to stay away from him when you are angry or down or sad....because you know what....if you are not good with him all the time, then he will eventually leave you...then you will be obsess and heart broken.....I've done it, and I know it how it is....please stay strong and be nice to him....

take care
Marjan

[katie14]

I think because you don't have a high opinion of yourself you may feel like your not deserving of true happiness. Be honest with him and let him know where your coming from...help him to help you understand that you are worthy of a great guy and a great relationship and maybe later...a great life..together. Good Luck

[sweetypie]

i share a commonality with you, in that i totally hate myself. i have never measured up to my ideals for myself, i am not physically flawless or even passable in my own opinion
i am much more accepting of others, than myself.

and i have a bf that loves me so much and this is so new to me, to be treated as a princess and why? why me? he could have someone better.

that is my thought and what i deal with daily.

i can see this (but i cannot change it in my own self ) i can see that you dislike yourself and don't understand your own self worth. the truth is he loves you as you are because you are a wonderful person. a shining and brilliant star
you can't see this though. (as i can't see any worth or good thing, in me. )
but i am loved, so there has to be something worth loving , inside, right?
there is with your self as well honey

i can't DO this - but i've thought of and considered it often . your own self has one short try at this life. and if you hate that 'self', how sad is that. it's like you are being mean to your self. what if you could just treat your SELF, tenderly, and gently and like you are a princess.
what if you could just love yourself because you are unique and you are in the world trying.

hey, if you'll try to do this, then i will try to do this too.
we have only one shot at life here - why should we hate ourselves so much? it seems as a waste

thanks for letting me respond

[FeelingHopeful]

Hold onto him .He sounds like a good guy

[bluebird2]

Sometimes good guys are boring.

[VickiesPath]

I've been married 4 times. It would take too long to tell you about all of them. You made me think about one in particular.

My first husband was a super nice guy who came from a wonderful Christian family, father was a doctor, good family roots, very down to earth, couldn't say enough about them. We got engaged in college and married after graduation. Four years later, I couldn't take that he bored me to tears and I divorced him.

It was the best thing that could ever have happened to him. I had horrible self-esteem and deep down, didn't like myself. And the truth was, because I was raised in an alcoholic household with turmoil and abuse and neglect, where we kids walked around on eggshells all the time wondering when the next explosion would happen, I did not believe that I deserved such a nice guy and anyone that nice who loved me enough to marry me had to be an idiot. I was always starting arguments because I was used to living in turmoil. To have a normal, non-eventful weekend was so utterly boring, I couldn't stand it.

I went on to marry two more times, both for the wrong reasons and both ended in divorce. I had intimacy issues. I couldn't trust. There was so much wrong with me, it took years of therapy to scratch the surface.

I am now married to a gem. We will celebrate our 10th anniversary next week. He did not know everything being married to someone like me would entail, but he is learning and supporting me completely. I am slowly learning to trust and the intimacy issues are better.

Please try to understand how much your self-worth impacts what you will accept from others in relationships. If you feel you are nothing, it will not make sense to you on a subconscious level that anyone could possibly care for you. It doesn't matter who it is. You will not let it work.

Who you believe you are will determine who you attract. Also, who you believe you are was formed in your mind beginning a very long time ago when you were a little child. There is much work to be done.