[Chimera1]

Hi,

I'm new here and am trying to figure out what's wrong with me! Sound pathetic, but true.

I can't make friends. I never have been able to and I can't figure out why. I'm an adult, but have had this problem since junior high. I'm normal looking, educated, knowledgeable of pop culture, have a sense of humor, am not handicapped, etc. I'm a mom and belong to a moms group, as well as a church. I can't even connect with those people.

I usually hang out with someone once or twice and they never want to again. I think I actually make people feel very uncomfortable, but I can't figure out how. It's almost as if they truly don't like me...not that they're just not interested. It seems as if they almost avoid me after having a conversation (or several conversations). It's so bad that even the boring people, nerds, or ones who've admitted that they don't make friends well don't even hang out with me.

I don't stutter. I don't think I have any twitches or strange expressions. I've even tried to watch other people to see how they act and it still doesn't work for me. I don't think I'm rude or have a strange laugh. I ask questions and try to remember details, so I can follow up. I don't call people or act needy. I don't gossip or cuss (not too much at least : ). I've asked people to hang out and often times they'll say sure, but don't follow up.

I've asked my husband what he thinks, for I worry our kids will be the same way. He says there is nothing wrong with me. Maybe he's weird too.

My son does have a mild case of Asperger's, so I wonder if I'm exhibiting similar characteristics? I've often been treated disrespectfully. Meaning, in the past people (co-workers & acquaintances, not family) feel like they can snap up at me, etc.

There is something about me, but I don't know what. I'm incredibly caring and I would feel awful if anyone thought I was mean or rude or weird. however, that must be what this is.

Help. I don't want my kids to be this way.

[RStewart]

I too have the same experiences with people. I do nothave any problems making friends in Philly where I lived for 45+ yrs. I have relocated to FL for 14 yrs and have not formed any relationships with women here. I believe I am just too blunt with people . Do you have that trait? I am so happy to have my Northern friends who I visit frequently. WHen I am there I am so happy and busy that when I come back to FL I am depressed.

[Pomegranate]

Perhaps you are trying too hard to be nice? Maybe people think you aren't "being yourself?" Though I have to admit it would be very strange people who wouldn't like someone who is nice to be around!

If you encourage your kids to just be themselves I don't think you'll have to worry about them making friends. Sounds like they have a great set of parents. And you should listen to and believe your husband - his opinion counts most doesn't it? Besides in my opinion it does not hurt to be a little different, it adds character and interest to a person.

[Seabirdanne]

I, too, can't seem to connect. And I have wondered before if I have a so-mild-that-it's-undetectable case of Asperger's. But maybe Pomegranate (hope I spelled that right) is onto something. I was raised to do a lot of acting -- I had to act like I was someone else or I would get punished, basically, for being who I was. I sometimes think that I'm still acting a lot of the time, and others pick up on it even if I don't.

Who knows. I don't know what the answer is. All I can say is you're not alone. And you have a husband and kids who love you, so you must be doing something right. And I don't think most kids turn out to be carbon copies of their parents, so I don't think you have to stress about that.

[Peppermint_Patty]

Hi Chimera1

Originally Posted by Chimera1

Hi,

I'm new here and am trying to figure out what's wrong with me! Sounds pathetic, but true.

I can't make friends. I never have been able to and I can't figure out why. I'm an adult, but have had this problem since junior high. I'm normal looking, educated, knowledgeable of pop culture, have a sense of humor, am not handicapped, etc. I'm a mom and belong to a moms group, as well as a church. I can't even connect with those people.

I usually hang out with someone once or twice and they never want to again. I think I actually make people feel very uncomfortable, but I can't figure out how. It's almost as if they truly don't like me...not that they're just not interested. It seems as if they almost avoid me after having a conversation (or several conversations). It's so bad that even the boring people, nerds, or ones who've admitted that they don't make friends well don't even hang out with me.

I don't stutter. I don't think I have any twitches or strange expressions. I've even tried to watch other people to see how they act and it still doesn't work for me. I don't think I'm rude or have a strange laugh. I ask questions and try to remember details, so I can follow up. I don't call people or act needy. I don't gossip or cuss (not too much at least : ). I've asked people to hang out and often times they'll say sure, but don't follow up.

I've asked my husband what he thinks, for I worry our kids will be the same way. He says there is nothing wrong with me. Maybe he's weird too.

My son does have a mild case of Asperger's, so I wonder if I'm exhibiting similar characteristics? I've often been treated disrespectfully. Meaning, in the past people (co-workers & acquaintances, not family) feel like they can snap up at me, etc.

There is something about me, but I don't know what. I'm incredibly caring and I would feel awful if anyone thought I was mean or rude or weird. however, that must be what this is.

Help. I don't want my kids to be this way.

Since none us can observe you talking/socializing with other people, it's hard for any of us to "diagnose" what the problem may be.

Anyway.. it is true that Aspergers can make make conversation/socializing difficult.

If you think you might be an adult "Aspie" then my suggestion would be to consult a professional who can determine if this is the actual problem or if you just need to brush up on your social skills.

If it is just social skills, then my advice would be to try to look for people who have the same interests you do. That makes conversation go a lot easier.

Also a good conversation is a lot like playing tennis. In tennis you hit the ball towards the other player and they hit it back to you.

In conversation.. you say a little bit of something and then the other person responds by saying something back to you.

If one person is talking too much, then it can make the other person feel they are not being listened to... so try to spend equal amounts of time listening and talking.

Also if you have been treated disrespectfully, than maybe reading some books on how to be more assertive might be helpful for you.

Other than that, don't be too hard on yourself.

Finding friends especially when you are no longer in college/school is hard for everyone. People are extremely busy nowadays and on top of that, I think with the invention of TV, video games, and computers many people have lost the ability to effectively interact with one and another in person.

But...hang in there and keep looking...don't give up... you WILL find some friends. They are out there.

[VickiesPath]

Originally Posted by Seabirdanne

I, too, can't seem to connect. And I have wondered before if I have a so-mild-that-it's-undetectable case of Asperger's. But maybe Pomegranate (hope I spelled that right) is onto something. I was raised to do a lot of acting -- I had to act like I was someone else or I would get punished, basically, for being who I was. I sometimes think that I'm still acting a lot of the time, and others pick up on it even if I don't.

Who knows. I don't know what the answer is. All I can say is you're not alone. And you have a husband and kids who love you, so you must be doing something right. And I don't think most kids turn out to be carbon copies of their parents, so I don't think you have to stress about that.

I can identify! I spent most of my life trying to be someone else, not anyone in particular, but someone who was more acceptable than I seemed to be in my natural state. I've only just recently realized how tragic that is and that there was never anything wrong with who I was. It all began back in childhood.

I like what Peppermint Patty said about it being hard after college and all. We have our spouses and kids and jobs and all that stuff. I also especially liked what she said about a conversation being like a tennis match. It might seem so obvious to most people, but that explanation really gave me some clarity on some things. How about you?

[Chimera1]

Thanks everyone! The thing is, I am in a very social atmosphere. Meaning, there is church and the moms group I'm in, as well as the parents at my kids' schools. There are plenty of people to connect with. I just don't know how. They talk with one another and are usually polite to me, but that's it.

I'm in the same socio-economic group and and even the majority ethnically (not that that matters, but you know what I mean). I sort of blend in..or so I thought.

I do try asking questions and seem to carry on a conversation just fine. we'll laugh, etc. I'll walk away thinking it went well. I even watch what other people do or listen to what they talk about and so the same.

I'm shy, but really make an effort to not let it show. I used to sing quite a bit on stage and once in a while people would look at me (before hearing me sing) and say ,"You?". Once my boss asked me to lead a group for something and someone again smirked and said, "Your'e going to do that?" No, I didn't misunderstand her tone, for she later apologized.

Anyway...You're right. Without knowing me you can't analyze this. I just wish it didn't bother me so much. Yes, I have a great family, but then I think they're only with me because they're stuck with me. I must drive them crazy too.

[Seabirdanne]

Or maybe they just love you to pieces. (That's my guess.) Don't beat up on yourself.

[Junerain]

Sounds like you can blend in okay, yet, the way people react and say 'Who? You?" when you sing or lead makes me think you project a lack of self confidence, when my own increased, my social contacts tripled! Would you say you project a lack of self confidence?

[ZeTeBu]

Originally Posted by Chimera1

Hi,

I'm new here and am trying to figure out what's wrong with me! Sound pathetic, but true.

I can't make friends. I never have been able to and I can't figure out why. I'm an adult, but have had this problem since junior high. I'm normal looking, educated, knowledgeable of pop culture, have a sense of humor, am not handicapped, etc. I'm a mom and belong to a moms group, as well as a church. I can't even connect with those people.

I usually hang out with someone once or twice and they never want to again. I think I actually make people feel very uncomfortable, but I can't figure out how. It's almost as if they truly don't like me...not that they're just not interested. It seems as if they almost avoid me after having a conversation (or several conversations). It's so bad that even the boring people, nerds, or ones who've admitted that they don't make friends well don't even hang out with me.

I don't stutter. I don't think I have any twitches or strange expressions. I've even tried to watch other people to see how they act and it still doesn't work for me. I don't think I'm rude or have a strange laugh. I ask questions and try to remember details, so I can follow up. I don't call people or act needy. I don't gossip or cuss (not too much at least : ). I've asked people to hang out and often times they'll say sure, but don't follow up.

I've asked my husband what he thinks, for I worry our kids will be the same way. He says there is nothing wrong with me. Maybe he's weird too.

My son does have a mild case of Asperger's, so I wonder if I'm exhibiting similar characteristics? I've often been treated disrespectfully. Meaning, in the past people (co-workers & acquaintances, not family) feel like they can snap up at me, etc.

There is something about me, but I don't know what. I'm incredibly caring and I would feel awful if anyone thought I was mean or rude or weird. however, that must be what this is.

Help. I don't want my kids to be this way.

I read a book called "In Sheeps Clothing" by George K. Simon, PhD. Its a short book primarily about manipulation but there some great stories that demonstrate how people assess someone to see how that person can help them get what they want or need. Perhaps through conversation or body language you are letting people "size you up" before they get a chance to really know you.


Anyway the best of luck!

[lorna]

Your husband is your friend try to remember that. As for friends as adults I look for people I have similar interest with, it doesn't need to be the most popular person. Rather i choose the person who offers the most, or I can help in my own way.

[Peppermint_Patty]

Hi Chimera1

Originally Posted by Chimera1

Thanks everyone! The thing is, I am in a very social atmosphere. Meaning, there is church and the moms group I'm in, as well as the parents at my kids' schools. There are plenty of people to connect with. I just don't know how. They talk with one another and are usually polite to me, but that's it.

Church, mom's, and school groups are notorious for cliques among the adults...so don't beat yourself up too much if you haven't found friends in these areas.

Have you tried any clubs centered around hobbies or interests? Speaking from personal experience... they can be a great way to find friends. I have also heard that volunteer work can be a good way too.

Hang in there,

Peppermint

[Trying & Caring]

I actually had a lot of "friends" in that I played tennis w/them, went to their parties, etc. Nothing real close as I have bipolar & didn't want anyone to know. But then 3 yrs. ago I had a suicide attempt & since then I isolate myself so much. I don't feel "normal" as in normal people don't do things like that or are on all these meds. I also have a loving, supportive husband--though we have our issues, as well. He's probably the only friend I have--besides my grown children who are wonderfully supportive.

BUT one thing I did find that helped me was to take CLASSES. Like knitting or computer or a women's exercise "boot camp" at 5:30 a.m. (yep, in the morning, 4 days a week) at a local park. That way I don't feel quite on the spot. There is something to take about--like how to fix a dropped stitch or what project are you working on; or ask the person sitting next to you how to do the thing on the computer that you don't understand & boot camp--it's DARK & we are all cheering each other on as we try to breath while the sadistic instructor makes us do more lunges or lift the kettle balls again, etc. Actually, he is very nice as I am out of shape, have back issues so he gives me modifications, etc.

Also, joined a book discussion group at a library (not the one in our town as our town is REALLY snobby!! Only bought a house here as we moved from Calif. & houses are so much more expensive there so had to put the money back into a house--plus the public schools are good--except for the snobby rich kids!!!).

Also, do volunteer work for NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness).

Do you play bridge? Join a hiking or running group? Cooking classes (they are expensive here; would like to do them but cost too much).

Adult Ed. has so many options--dancing (um, not me! too uncoordinated), but writing classes (journals to novels to screenplays), language classes, flower arranging, decorating, gardening, drawing--everything--and cheap, too.

I do individual therapy & dialectical behavioral therapy & the therapist (same for both) helps us to see how we present ourselves.

But I can even feel "weird" & like people are looking at me funny at the grocery store so my advice may not be the best!

[bluebird2]

Chimera: because of this post, I started a thread on 50 Ways to Make Friends based off an article on the subject.

Hope you find it useful! =)