[neri]

This is so embarrasing.. I have a complitely foolish crush on my agility coach. He is probably at least 20 years older than me, married and not even all that physically attractive. Very sympathetic and an incredible coach, though. Still, I don't understand why I get these warm fuzzy feelings about him! Is it just the authority..?

Anyway, I'm probably unwillingly giving all possible signs of my silly puppy love, please tell me men don't tend to pick up on these things? Is it in anyway possible he doesn't know? I could just be a real good student for paying attention? (other trainees in our group chat with eachother etc, when it's someone else's turn. I'm the only one that sits quietly and stays focused on him teaching others as well )

Also, any tips on how I could stop feeling this way? I think I'm getting borderline obsessive about this (now with internet stalking! ) and it's kinda making me anxious.

[eskielover]

I had a teacher in junior high that I just wanted to be around....in my case, he was sort of the dad I wished my dad could be. He was actually one of the boy's pe coaches & he was the teacher for student government & also my guidance counselor in school. For me is was such admiration of what a great person he was more than a crush on a guy type of a thing.

When we had father daughter things going on....I was always glad my Dad worked nights it was an excuse to ask my counselor to come as my dad. He was always so great about it too. Didn't know him out of school either....it was just such an admiration & respect for him that created the feeling. Never thought I would actually have him for a teacher until I was voted president of our girls scholarship club & student government was required for that position.....was I in 7th heaven...lol.

I think some of it is normal when we really admire a coach/teacher & we learn about personalities that way & things that attract us to other people.....I know if I look back (over 40 years ago) I am sure there was some obsessivness I would have commented on if I had known the term at the time.

For me, time went on & graduation & surroundings......but I will always remember his personality & his kindness & always wish that my dad could have been way more like him.

As you said, it might not really be a crush.....just really admiration & respect for the person they are. Think it's the normal part of maturing & growing older.

Debbie

[VickiesPath]

Their jobs require that they be effective communicators and inspire the people they are coaching. If they are doing their jobs, then they are reaching you. They are inspiring you. And they do it in a way that makes you want to do things to please them. Sounds like an ideal parent in a way.

I don't think it's unusual at all to feel a bond there. Just try to keep it in perspective. I think we who are sensitive to other people, notice when someone is able to communicate with us well.

[neri]

I get your point, but this is definitely a crush.. complete with all sorts of fantasies

And to anyone who might read this and think of me as a teenage girl, I'm 24 (not that I can't still be totally immature..)

[Yoda]

There is nothing wrong with fantasies. They can be quite fun. You posted that you are aware he is unavailable as he is married so I think you will be okay.

[neri]

I'm not worried anything would happen, even if he was "available". I still don't want him to know about this. I'm a proud person so to me that would be just mortifying. So do people see these in others..? I mean, I don't think anyone's ever had a crush on me, so I wouldn't know How should I NOT act like?

Fantasies can be fun.. but to me this isn't fun, more confusing and frustrating to the point of being painful. I feel like I can't control myself and I hate that! I've still managed to go on without asking him to be my fb-friend or anything, but I don't know how long I can fight the insanity

[VickiesPath]

Originally Posted by neri

I'm not worried anything would happen, even if he was "available". I still don't want him to know about this. I'm a proud person so to me that would be just mortifying. So do people see these in others..? I mean, I don't think anyone's ever had a crush on me, so I wouldn't know How should I NOT act like?

Fantasies can be fun.. but to me this isn't fun, more confusing and frustrating to the point of being painful. I feel like I can't control myself and I hate that! I've still managed to go on without asking him to be my fb-friend or anything, but I don't know how long I can fight the insanity

How can you be sure that no one's ever had a crush on you?

[neri]

Well, I have never seen any signs implicating anyone having a crush on me. I mean the "gazing from distance" kind of crush, of course I've had guys pick me up but that's not the same. So either those signs of infatuation aren't very obvious, which would mean that I probably don't have anything to worry about in this case, or that no one really has ever had a crush on me. Or maybe the signs ARE obvious but I've just never noticed them in anyone. Still, I'm putting my money on option B

neri, it sounds like what you are experiencing is transference which is something fairly common in psychotherapy relationships. i know he's not your therapist but it sounds as if he is similar in his role with you in some ways. if you check out the psychotherapy forum you will see threads on this. or do a search or start one there and folks can comment and help you understand this a bit better. this is pretty common and you're not alone in experiencing this.

[neri]

I had to check Wikipedia what that means and.. you really think that's what this is? Is it because he is inappropriately old for me that makes you think that...? Like, if he was a young hottie then this would be completely normal and not some mental health issue Anyways, sick! My feelings towards whom would I be transfering and why are they sexual? Funny.. he actually is a therapist, not mine but that is his occupation.

Well I definitely have to say, you butchered about 60% of the puppy lovingness with this creepy little awakening Well done! I'll just have to see how I feel when I see him tonight.

[crystalrose]

hi. I'm your age too and they tell you that crushes end in teens but i don't think thats true. I also don't think its only transference maybe just partly. Maybe his genuine kindness and attitude and care makes you attracted to him. I don't know what am agility coach does is that a sport?

[neri]

It's only the greatest sport EVER!



I suppose the correct term would be dog agility. Though I think the handlers have to be pretty agile too

[crystalrose]

oh! I love dogs. So your coach helps you show your dogs.

[neri]

Well to be more precise he helps me learn new techniques to direct my dogs through the course, TRIES to teach me to read the course so I could choose the fastest and surest way to complete it with no faults (I really suck at that part, there's always better ways I just don't come up with) and just generally teaches how to be a better handler. I have problems especially with patience and timing, so when I'm on the course with one of my dogs, he'll be yelling on the side when I should run faster/slower, turn, keep my head cool or whatever.. ohmigod if he could just do that in competitions too we'd be champions already

He's really encouraging and always finds at least some positive feedback, and I know not all coaches are like that. I've had another one that gave private lessons, and she always kept pointing out the negative, and didn't really give praise unless we did it absolutely perfectly. Also she got very cranky if I argued with her opinions, and then she sniped at me the rest of the hour (great customer service, oh can I please pay another 50€ for this next week!! ). But if I argue with HIM.. well he says shut up and do what I told you He made it clear to the group in the beginning that he won't listen any backtalk. And by gosh, not fighting makes it actually easier to learn new things! Sure maybe it would've worked that way with the previous coach aswell, but it's not like I can totally control my sassiness, so it's good to have a teacher that can handle it.

Ramble much?

oh, i didn't mean to creep you out with the transference talk. it's not a bad thing. i haven't read the wiki entry on it so hopefully it wasn't weirdly written. i am definitely no expert on the subject and have trouble understanding it at times as there are differing views on it. i think it can happen with someone your age as well, but it's probably not that all the feelings are transference as another poster mentioned.

[neri]

That's okay, the creepyness passed I just came home from practice and I've got butterflies in my stomach... oh my.. Now that I've thought of it, I totally disagree about the transference. I just love people who are really passionate about something like that! He's just awesome. Why can't I have someone like him with no wife and a bit less mileage..?

[neri]

I'm just gonna keep ranting here, because I don't have anyone to talk about this.. hope no-one minds..

Today I was in another agility competition with one of my dogs, we didn't do so well and as the coach has asked, I texted him how we did ..probably with a whole lot of disappointment and bitterness between the lines since I was fairly pissed I managed to mess up both courses AGAIN. He called me back, and I got to talk to him for 40 minutes! Just about agility ofcourse, but I was still in seventh heaven. I told him I've already paid the entry fee for a competion that's near here two weeks from now, and he said he might come watch + possibly film my courses and later he mind find me some time to give a private lesson, like we could watch the videos and I'd see what I'm doing wrong etc (not so thrilled about that part ) ..I know I KNOW he's just being a good coach, but I'm really starting to have delusions that something could actually happen! I don't imagine him having any feelings for me, but now I feel like if I'd just get him alone with me, I could make something happen It's like I'm losing my freaking mind! Like I'm on my way to becoming some crazy (real life) stalker person.

And now all I can think about is that I have to wait to next thursday before I see him again, and I don't have any excuse to even contact him sooner. Also, no competitions next weekend, so no excuses then either..