[Amberfreakled]

Hi all, I am an adult child with senior parents, grew up around alcoholism, depression, just your basic dysfunctional family. I am the only child to graduate college, have a stable good marriage, the rock of the family. Host all the family dinners, take parents on vacation etc. I have spent most of my married life juggling my parents and in-laws in terms of holidays, etc. My in-laws are wonderful, giving people and never interfere. My parents are jealous and make you feel overwhelmingly guilty if you spend holidays away from them. To make a long story short, my parents have not spoken to me for 2 months because I spent several weekends with my in-laws this summer at their summer home. Me and my husband have young children, and in this economy, we took advantage of what we could. My parents have even missed my child's birthday, no card or nothing. I have overwhelming guilt because my parents are in their late 60's and not in the best of health, but on the other hand, I have thoroughly enjoyed myself....avoiding the jealousy and guilt they have over my in-laws. This of course, is only part of the story, my parents are critical over a number aspects in my life....my weight, my house, the way I discipline the kids. Any thoughts or suggestions on mending this relationship??? I'm sure I have to be the one to grovel and ask for forgiveness. Just in time for the holidays.

[ADHD1956]

You need not FEEL guilty about a thing. Your parents are acting very childish and should know better. NOT sending their grandchild a birthday card! Come on! NO guilt on your part. Your parents seem very immature; have compassion for them, but no guilt. I wish you the very best!

[VickiesPath]

Originally Posted by Amberfreakled

Hi all, I am an adult child with senior parents, grew up around alcoholism, depression, just your basic dysfunctional family. I am the only child to graduate college, have a stable good marriage, the rock of the family. Host all the family dinners, take parents on vacation etc. I have spent most of my married life juggling my parents and in-laws in terms of holidays, etc. My in-laws are wonderful, giving people and never interfere. My parents are jealous and make you feel overwhelmingly guilty if you spend holidays away from them. To make a long story short, my parents have not spoken to me for 2 months because I spent several weekends with my in-laws this summer at their summer home. Me and my husband have young children, and in this economy, we took advantage of what we could. My parents have even missed my child's birthday, no card or nothing. I have overwhelming guilt because my parents are in their late 60's and not in the best of health, but on the other hand, I have thoroughly enjoyed myself....avoiding the jealousy and guilt they have over my in-laws. This of course, is only part of the story, my parents are critical over a number aspects in my life....my weight, my house, the way I discipline the kids. Any thoughts or suggestions on mending this relationship??? I'm sure I have to be the one to grovel and ask for forgiveness. Just in time for the holidays.

Welcome Amberfreckled to PC!

We have a section here on PC called Adult Children of Alcoholics. I am an adult child of two alcoholic parents. There are also others here who understand your story. Each of us have a different version but they are all pretty much the same type of story.

I am so sorry that you are having this conflict with your parents. You are so lucky that your husband's parents seem to be a bit more tolerable and generous.

I was wondering if you have ever done any family of origin work or have knowledge of any Al-Anon literature or Co-Dependency literature? All of the 12-step teachings (AA, Al-Anon, Coda, ACOA) have at their core the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. However, simply knowing the symptoms of co-dependency and how to keep from being caught up in that trap can help.

My history is vast. I was raised in an alcoholic home, abused alcohol for some time, was misdiagnosed with major depression, recurrent, and finally correctly diagnosed with bipolar illness. But by far, the greatest influence upon my life was the alcoholic home.

I'll pass something on to you that I learned in AA that might explain a little about your parents' behavior. They say that once an alcoholic begins to drink, their emotional maturity stops at that point. So, if your parents have abused alcohol since their late teens, that's where their emotional maturity has rested. This might explain the jealousy and petty behavior.
Also, it seems to me that your guilt might be coming from a position of co-dependency that makes you feel responsible for their plight. There was absolutely nothing wrong with vacationing with your in-laws. Yet, your conditioning has made it feel that way to you.

I didn't mean to write a book here. There are lots of ways that those of us here on PC can help you work through the issues with your parents. Please feel free to post anytime. Look around and become familiar with the site.

[jerrymichele]

To tell you the truth I can't say if I would ask for forgiveness. I think that it's bs that they are treating your children they way that they are behaving. I guess if you really want to talk to them I would send a letter, or call them. I would just explain the circumstances of how about your summer came about. I also would explain to them that when they have an issue with you to take it out on you instead of the kids. I know that you love your parents, but you also need to be very cautious on how they behave with the insults around your kids. You should talk to them about how they treat you the way they do. That would be so hard to put up with that. You know I think all people have some type of disfunction in every family, but that doesn't excuse someone behaving like an idiot. When your grown you know right from wrong. If you don't mind me asking, what does your husband say about how they are treating all of you? I know that I'm rambling, but I get upset when people hurt or try to hurt kids for no apparent reason.

[Amberfreakled]

Thanks for the responses! My father abused alcohol during my childhood thru my 20's. He stopped drinking probably a good 10 years now due to health problems. My mother has probably battled depression most of her life, although never diagnosed. I have to be real careful with my drinking, I can throw a few back. My husband feels bad about the situation and can't understand why I just don't call and end it. His family is very close, they say "I love you" to each other constantly, and he gives me the "life is too short" speech often. He obviously knows the struggle I have faced over the years, because him and his family usually pay the price not seeing us over the holidays. One year, I thought it would be great to have a big family thanksgiving dinner, his family and my family, my parents REFUSED to come. They would rather go to a restaurant. Crazy right? I'm afraid confronting them on they behavior will explode into a bigger rift.

[VickiesPath]

Originally Posted by Amberfreakled

Thanks for the responses! My father abused alcohol during my childhood thru my 20's. He stopped drinking probably a good 10 years now due to health problems. My mother has probably battled depression most of her life, although never diagnosed. I have to be real careful with my drinking, I can throw a few back. My husband feels bad about the situation and can't understand why I just don't call and end it. His family is very close, they say "I love you" to each other constantly, and he gives me the "life is too short" speech often. He obviously knows the struggle I have faced over the years, because him and his family usually pay the price not seeing us over the holidays. One year, I thought it would be great to have a big family thanksgiving dinner, his family and my family, my parents REFUSED to come. They would rather go to a restaurant. Crazy right? I'm afraid confronting them on they behavior will explode into a bigger rift.

Dear Amberfreackled,

Sweetheart, you have a very unhealthy relationship with your parents and it is costing you dearly. What worries me is that you seem to feel powerless to do anything about it. Your husband obviously loves you and he is right, life IS too short to be wasting it in dysfunction. At some point, you are going to have to take a stand and give up your role as peacemaker, trying to please your parents at the price of alienating your husband's family and even your own family. I am also concerned about what you stated regarding your capacity for alcohol. Alcohol abuse tends to run in families but whether or not it's genetic is debatable. Yet given the circumstances under which you try to stretch yourself to try to keep the peace and be the family "rock", you could easily turn to drinking as a comfort. I believe that it is time for you to take a serious look at the dynamics around you before everything collapses.

I really encourage you to read up on Adult Children of Alcoholic materials and also Co-Dependency materials. Here are two websites to begin with:

www.adultchildren.org

www.codependents.org

This will give you some information about ways you might be able to change the way you interact with your parents. I know that right now it seems like an impossible task that you could ever change the way things have always been between you and your parents but nothing is further from the truth. All it takes is just adding a few more tools to your toolbox. Keep us posted on your progress. Remember we care about you and are always here for you.

[jerrymichele]

Maybe you should just leave them alone for a while. I do agree that those AA groups would be good for you. It might help you understand what you should do. You haven't done anything wrong, and it is ashame they are acting this way towards you and your family.

[AAAAA]

Hello Amberfreakled and welcome to PC.

I’m very familiar with the situation that you’re talking about. In my house it is my husband’s parents that are this way. It didn’t get any easier here, they had my 18 year old daughter in tears because they excluded her yet again. You’re an adult, and you’ve done nothing wrong there’s no reason to grovel for forgiveness. As hard as it is to do, rather than get upset about it when your parents make a negative comment about this or any other aspect of your life respond simply with “I’m sorry you feel this way.”

Have you talked to them? I know that this can make very little difference, but it’s important that you set up boundaries and stick to them.

What does your husband have to say about all of this? I know there were YEARS of fights here, particularly when my husband was in the service and we returned home he expected that our time be split 50 -50 between our parents homes who live 45 miles apart. My parents took vacation when we came home to visit and spent every waking moment with my kids. I was on vacation there. His parents didn’t alter their schedule at all. Thursdays were bingo night whether we were there or not. My father in law would come home from work and head out to the greenhouse to work on his hobby. I was stuck in an empty house literally all day and night trying to entertain my kids in a house that wasn’t kid friendly. My mother in law worked afternoons and went out with the ladies after work. She got up an hour before work. My father in law would leave before my kids got up and wouldn’t come back in the house (except for dinner) until after they were in bed. But if we didn’t spend time there OMG!

One time my parents came to pick us up for the day to go to a function for my side of the family, my oldest son asked to spend the night at my parent’s house and I let him. I was due to return to my parent’s house in two days, they didn’t notice that we were gone all day nor that my son was gone period. But once my parents came to pick my daughter and I up and they had my son with them they were mad as hell. How can you get mad that the child wasn’t there when you didn’t even notice he was gone?