[topazjane]

How do you know when your in love with someone or if your just used to them? You see I've been in a relationship with my husband for 10 years, but everyday I feel less. Less wanted, less desired, less needed. I feel like his with me because he's become comfortable with me. He's said that he's not sure if he's in love with me, that hes not with anybody else, but I know for a fact that it's not because he's not trying. I don't understand, one moment he says he loves me, he makes plans for our future. It seems like he feels tide up with me because we have 2 children that he loves very much, and does not want to leave them, he's said in the past that if it was not for our children that he would have gone a long time ago. Sadly I feel the same way. I feel that staying with someone that you love that does not love you back is hell, because no matter how much you can love someone your also capable of hating them. You see the thing is that I used to care what he did, and said, I used to feel pain, literally, inside. But now after so many years i'm staring to feel nothing. not for him but for what he does, says, and the whole situation in general. I need help, I need someone else to look at this situation from another angle. So the question is have I settled? have I grown numb? what separates being in love and being comfortable?

[jerrymichele]

You know a lot of people get really comfortable in their relationships. I do think that the in love fellings can come back, but both of you need to work on it. Maybe the two of you could talk about what both of you need in your relationship. From what I have just read he is not attending to your needs. Maybe some marriage therapy will help both of you, but you can't blame yourself for all of this. Your husband needs to take responsibilty for his part to. I would ask him if he would be interested in the therapy. I would also like to add that those John Grey books. "men are from Mars" etc. etc. are really good. The books explain why this and that are the way they are, and they do give you some tools to work with. I do agree that it would be very painful for your husband telling you that he is not in love with you. I would ask him to stop saying this to you. If you two are arguing alot then it's best to walk away from the situation until the both of you cool off, and then try to talk about it.

[AAAAA]

I agree with Michele. Long term relationships require work, sadly once we have kids usually all of our energy is spent raising them. We forget the love and romance that made us decide to have them in the first place.

We all have peaks and valleys. Hopefully you’re both never in the valley at the same time and you both peak at the same time once in a while. It sounds like you’re both in the valley. It is possible to get that loving feeling back if you’re willing to work and dedicate yourself to one another again.

Love is about putting someone before yourself, romance is about how the other person makes you feel about yourself. It’s selfish, but by the same token by feeling good about yourself and your relationship you do more. I’m not suggesting that you become a doormat, but think about the beginning of your relationship when you received pleasure just by doing those extra small things for him. When his quirks were cute not irritating.

[VickiesPath]

JerryMichele and AAAAA made some terrific points. The thing that came to my (slightly warped at times) mind is a saying that I once heard:

Marriage is what you do between being in love.

It's definitely an ebb and flo thing, love in a marriage. The only tidbit of advice I can offer is, should your relationship deteriorate to open hostility or obvious discourse between you two, so that the children are noticing and obviously upset by it, then that is another issue. Most therapists agree that if there is constant upset between the mother and father, it is better for the kids that you NOT stay together than for them to witness constant bitterness and fighting.

I hope that marriage counseling might be a viable option for you. Best of luck and constant support.

[AAAAA]

Oh I definitely agree with the hostility comment Vickie. I fear too many people to not give children credit for being the intelligent perceptive creatures that they are. No matter how well you think you’re hiding it, they can see it and feel it even if they can’t verbalize it.

My own opinion, and take it for what it’s worth, is that people give up entirely too easily these days. Unless there is abuse (in any form) everything else can be worked out. I think we need to teach our children that marriage is a commitment that should not be entered into lightly and once made (again unless there is abuse) it should be honored. No one promised us a rose garden. Nothing in life worthwhile is without effort.

I say this from a place of experience. I choose a man to marry that I not only loved, but respected. We shared similar values regarding family I knew this man would never neglect or abandon his children or me for that matter. He’s always had a good work ethic. We married very young and hit a very rough spot around year 5 that lasted quite a long time. There was never hatred or violence; I just discovered I didn’t really like him anymore. Life is short, and aren’t we entitled to happiness? What I discovered is life is what you make of it. Any relationship requires work and why would I put more effort into a new relationship when the issues in my marriage were repairable? The changes didn’t happen over night and those honeymoon feelings can return, they didn’t stay of course but they come and go.

I can’t say that I am sorry for those difficult years, if it were not for them we would not have the relationship we have today.