I finally realized....

I finally realized that Rex isn't the man I am going to marry (FYI he is my best friend that I thought I was madly in love with..turns out it was just a huge crush).

I found this out by being mindful of the relationship and realizing that he is going to be a bachelor forever and nothing is going to change that. Yes I will remain his friend he is after all my best friend. I will just begin to look outside the relationship for other needs that should arise.

The main thing that made me realize that he isn't the man for me is when I start to talk about something serious he either changes the subject or tunes me out. This could be all men I don't have that much experience to know. Also I had this dream the other night that I was at his wedding but I was a bridesmaid not the bride and I seemed content with that. There are just little things that come up that make me realize that he isn't the one for me.

Jan

Some guys do tune-out conversation if they feel that "the information has already been relayed". If a 10-sentence discussion could have been said in 2-sentences, then the guy probably has tuned out by sentence 5 or 6.

That doesn't define all guys, but if you're at all like my wife, who defines our entire marriage by how much we talk, then it's important to you to find someone who is "vibrating on the same strings". And, if it's important for you to share - it should be important enough for him to listen.

Now, if you're sharing about how you constantly lose this one particular sock. You know, the one sock from the pair that your aunt bought you for your 18th birthday - the party you had at Aunt Margies house where all the relatives came over and brought one gag gift, one real gift and a pot-luck dinner selection. The party that little Mary ended up spilling every other drink on uncle Jack who was usually just watching tv but this time was sitting up and playing with the kids who came over just for this one night. Since everyone didn't always get together but this time they did because uncle Tom felt that the family was spreading out too much ever since Grandpa ran off with the Motel-8 cleaning lady. Did you hear about Grandpa meeting the lady when she was on her way to work at the motel from her other job at Denny's and he had stopped at the Denny's for a Grand Slam because he had run out of eggs and milk and didn't know what else to do that morning?

Yeah - That sock!

Then there is a reason that he would tune out.

He will ask how my day was and if I try to tell him how it really was he tunes me out. He has said there are somethings I try to talk to him about that I should talk with my T about.

Here is an example of one of our conversations...I asked him if was channel surfing or watching something specific and he replied it's Wednesday you know Ghost Hunters is on aren't you watching it too? I said no I'm going to catch it later on when they show it again right now I am watching something on TLC about people with OCD. I was telling him some of the stuff I was learning and then how one thing hit close to home about the steering wheel thing I do. The line got quiet the whole time and I knew he had tuned me out so I just asked him what was Ghost Hunters about and I had to ask him twice because he had tuned me out.

Jan

That's more specific - I see. Sure - could be that he has triggers which he should be seeing a T over (in some cases). We all have issues and maybe he has a few things to work on. Does he seek therapy? It's something we all can grow from - self introspection.

OH, HOW PATHETIC!!!!! and SEXIST!

Vickie - I apologize if you see it in a different light. What I was trying to do was give an example of how a guy could tune out. What guys tend to be interested in (as I've learned from guys at work) is information. Example - I'm technical and tend to not want all the feelings that come along with a topic - I'd like to know the details or "final state" of things rather than the story of how that state came to be. Some guys (not all) may be like me - or maybe I'm different than most.

If I'm wrong, help me out on this if you can (maybe I am missing something). The tune-out that Jan is saying is different than what I was trying to show with my little story (totally made-up).

I'm thankful that Jan clarified for me/us in saying what kind of situation it is. But my point of view may be useful to some degree - in that information loses its value when it contains a lot of extra stuff that may not be part of the story or out of context. I know a lot of men don't state what they really mean - and I'm also saying there are times when men feel that women may be meaning more than they state. You know - when a woman says "fine!" - way more information than stated in that.

The void there is meeting in the middle where both parties can communicate with common-grounds and learning to tolerate or grow from the others' communication skills (or even lack thereof). Sometimes the skills don't match and need to be tuned through continued efforts - or couples end up feeling mis-matched or incompatible because of it.

Not a problem. Didn't you see the little wink in the corner? I was joking with you.

As a matter of fact, my husband and I are gender opposites. I want the facts. He tends to emote. When he tells me a story, I finally have to say, "and the point is.........?" He gets frustrated that I can't follow his story. Also, if his emotion is running high, like in an emergency, I now know (after ten years of marriage) that I can't depend on him to communicate the nature of the emergency, I simply need to run and see it for myself. Also, if I am communicating an emergency to him, he doesn't understand when I tell him to simply do something, if he doesn't understand the reasoning behind why I'm telling him to do it. By the time he understands the reasoning behind why I'm telling him to do it, the emergency is out of hand and we have a full blown disaster.

Have you ever heard that men are from Venus and women are from Mars? I heard that somewhere...........

Ok now I am having doubts about those feelings. Darn it all to heck LOL.

He called me on Tuesday in the morning which is very unusual for him and I was like hmmm something is wrong and I asked him what it was. He told me he left work early Monday another totally out of character thing and had gone to the ER. I then get got very concerned because he never goes there because of the cost even with his insurance. Come to find out he has a kidney stone. He told me he almost called me Monday morning about 1:30 because of the way he felt but then he got to feeling a bit better so he didn't call. Maybe it is the mothering in me that is feeling all sorry for him and then sorry for feeling that I could never have a romantic relationship with him.

So now I'm back to feeling romantic feelings for him but then again they could just be mothering feelings.

Jan

I am happy for you! Now that you realized it...its nice to have new realizations! They free you up...they ...give you a new start! Don`t they?

Mothering feeling? well i don't know if its a bad idea...may romantic relationships i think have a mothering feeling. I think you should let things be as they are ...you know...search for whatever relationship or don`t search - let it all happen! Trust God trust universe that it will solve itself out - i mean you don't have to expect for anything from him or whatever - you don`t have to search outside it either. Things happen as they should. It will sort itself out. by itself.

Trust this, enjoy everything and need nothing.

Good luck in finding the right man for you!

Just want to say I totally relate to these feelings of confusion about what you're really feeling for this man.

Hugs hun