[Emily_Strange]

So, I'm in a bit of a conundrum.

I am a recent college grad with only a part time job to support me financially.

I just learned my best friend is getting married in early June, & I'm the maid of honor. I'm retardedly thrilled, but...

She & the fiance want the wedding overseas in Ireland. It's, of course, going to be an expensive, lavish bash in a castle. She's a brilliant heiress who hangs out at Martha's Vineyard, he's making money going pro-lacrosse, & I've struggling to make a dime since graduation.

Basically, I can BARELY afford to do my Maid-of-honor duties if I scrape pennies, but that's the thing. In the next couple of months, my family is going to ask me to go halfway on my $400 a month health insurance, & then I have car insurance which I will also be contributing to. I desperately wanted to start saving my money, & maybe do some exploring in the city if I had some extra cash....But with two other weddings this year & debts to pay, this Ireland wedding won't let me put ANY money in the bank. None.

I feel like my bestie has always been a little flighty when it came to money. She's intimidated by understanding basic finance. She's been hesitant to take control of her fortune. Granted, she's only 20, so I imagine it's intimidating, but when she neglects to finish paying me for taking her summer algebra class, & requires me to be the only one to ask about how payments are going to be handled, it puts me in an awkward position. Granted she was sick at the time, but when she was well enough to travel to Martha's Vineyard it would have been nice if she had thought to send a check I sorely needed given my woeful financial situation [which she was well aware of].

When I decided she wasn't properly paying me for the class, I was having a difficult time getting in touch with her to talk about it. I left her a long, stern voicemail saying that sometimes she didn't always understand the value of money, & I had wished she had thought of what it would have meant to me if she made more of an effort to try & get the cash to me in a more timely manner while visiting Martha's Vineyard. I wasn't yelling, but I was probably being condescending. She flipped a s^%*, was deeply hurt, & totally missed the point. A month later I still don't have a check, but I did get a Burberry bag for my birthday haha? I mean, amazing gift, I can't tell you how grateful I am for it, buuuut....

Now I feel like I'm in a similar situation again with this wedding deal. I don't want to be accused of being a bad friend by asking her to not have her dream wedding on account of me. At the same time, I think she & her fiance are being incredibly insensitive to their guests, who may not necessarily be as rich as them, by requiring everyone to spend upwards $1300 on attending their wedding.

Don't get me wrong, I want to be the maid of honor. I love this girl with all my heart, I swear I'd marry her if he didn't.... & I'll still be the maid of honor anyway if they keep the Ireland plans, but good god.....I'm so god damn poor.

How do I have this conversation with her without hurting her feelings AGAIN? What on earth should I do?

[AAAAA]

I think that honesty is your only option. I'd tell her that you're greatful for the honor, but your budget will not allow you to go.

[Emily_Strange]

Originally Posted by AAAAA

I think that honesty is your only option. I'd tell her that you're greatful for the honor, but your budget will not allow you to go.

:\ I might still try to go but eeeeh :\:\ It's hard confronting someone who sometimes doesn't understand these things. :\

[turquoisesea]

That's a tough one.

I agree that honesty is best here.

My thought on this is that maybe you could first explain how much you love her, how much you want to be there for the wedding. How excited, etc.
Then tell her that you just can't afford it right now, due to your financial state.
Maybe you could ask her to pay for all or part/half of the expense? That way you could afford it/not have to "afford it" and this girl could still have her dream wedding. If as you say they are well off, and this means so much to her it would make sense.

I have a friend who doesn't understand money either. I don't really know what to do with her sometimes. Try your best - wishing you the best of luck.

[Emily_Strange]

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

That's a tough one.

I agree that honesty is best here.

My thought on this is that maybe you could first explain how much you love her, how much you want to be there for the wedding. How excited, etc.
Then tell her that you just can't afford it right now, due to your financial state.
Maybe you could ask her to pay for all or part/half of the expense? That way you could afford it/not have to "afford it" and this girl could still have her dream wedding. If as you say they are well off, and this means so much to her it would make sense.

I have a friend who doesn't understand money either. I don't really know what to do with her sometimes. Try your best - wishing you the best of luck.

I would feel terrible asking for her to pay. I think she would feel uncomfortable too cause she probably doesn't want to create a dynamic where I ask her for money when I can't afford things. I kind of wish she would cause I really don't wanna miss it, but it would be unreasonable for me to ask her to do that. As it's equally unreasonable for her to expect me to go broke & live to work so I can afford this wedding & save no money for 8 months. Eh. I really wish I didn't have to miss it. I'm so upset.

I'm working on telling her now, thanks guys.....I just needed to vent cause I'm so upset!

Really, its tough not making it sound like I feel she's being insensitive to her poorer guests & pricing them out of this life changing event that means so much to them too. But, its her dream wedding. It's only about the guests insofar as she'll actually have a significant amount of guests who won't be secretly unhappy about the ridiculous expense.....Uhg. But I really do feel that way though. Money was never a problem for her, she just doesn't care how much of a problem it can be for other people in this case. God, if it were me, I would never ask my guests to go halfway around the world for my wedding. I want my guests to be happy about attending & only take on a reasonable expense. I would never make the people I love take on an outrageous expense, I want them to all be there on my special day & feel comfortable with it. :\

[sabby]

Well, it sounds like your friend has been raised in a totally different way than you have. Maybe even spoiled and pampered a bit?

I agree with other responders that honesty is the best way to go. There is nothing to be ashamed of in telling her that you just cannot afford this trip, the dress and all the fluff that goes with it.

I don't think that comparing finances will make much of a difference to her at this point. It sounds like she doesn't really grasp that concept. Simply telling her that your life situation is not the same as hers and it's just out of the question at this time.

Personally, if I was going to have my wedding half way around the world from my friends and family, and especially if my maid of honor was not able to afford it, the answer would be a slam dunk to me....I would insist on paying for her to be there for me in my best hour. But then again, that's just me

I'm sorry you are in this position. I truly hope that your friend will pony up for you so that you can be part of her special day!

[Emily_Strange]

Originally Posted by _sabby_

Well, it sounds like your friend has been raised in a totally different way than you have. Maybe even spoiled and pampered a bit?

I agree with other responders that honesty is the best way to go. There is nothing to be ashamed of in telling her that you just cannot afford this trip, the dress and all the fluff that goes with it.

I don't think that comparing finances will make much of a difference to her at this point. It sounds like she doesn't really grasp that concept. Simply telling her that your life situation is not the same as hers and it's just out of the question at this time.

Personally, if I was going to have my wedding half way around the world from my friends and family, and especially if my maid of honor was not able to afford it, the answer would be a slam dunk to me....I would insist on paying for her to be there for me in my best hour. But then again, that's just me

I'm sorry you are in this position. I truly hope that your friend will pony up for you so that you can be part of her special day!

Thanks guys! I took everyone's advice & started off very gently telling her I was reviewing how my finances would work out this year in relation to her wedding, & how we needed to talk....Before I even got a phone call she texted me saying she & her fiance planned on paying my plane ticket all along!!! I would have loved to have known that, haha. But thats a GREAT weight off my shoulders. The other guests who may not be able to afford, will unfortunately have to take a back seat & settle for the video & America after party. :\ But hey, at least I get to go!

[KatB]

Originally Posted by Emily_Strange

So, I'm in a bit of a conundrum.

I am a recent college grad with only a part time job to support me financially.

I just learned my best friend is getting married in early June, & I'm the maid of honor. I'm retardedly thrilled, but...

She & the fiance want the wedding overseas in Ireland. It's, of course, going to be an expensive, lavish bash in a castle. She's a brilliant heiress who hangs out at Martha's Vineyard, he's making money going pro-lacrosse, & I've struggling to make a dime since graduation.

Basically, I can BARELY afford to do my Maid-of-honor duties if I scrape pennies, but that's the thing. In the next couple of months, my family is going to ask me to go halfway on my $400 a month health insurance, & then I have car insurance which I will also be contributing to. I desperately wanted to start saving my money, & maybe do some exploring in the city if I had some extra cash....But with two other weddings this year & debts to pay, this Ireland wedding won't let me put ANY money in the bank. None.

I feel like my bestie has always been a little flighty when it came to money. She's intimidated by understanding basic finance. She's been hesitant to take control of her fortune. Granted, she's only 20, so I imagine it's intimidating, but when she neglects to finish paying me for taking her summer algebra class, & requires me to be the only one to ask about how payments are going to be handled, it puts me in an awkward position. Granted she was sick at the time, but when she was well enough to travel to Martha's Vineyard it would have been nice if she had thought to send a check I sorely needed given my woeful financial situation [which she was well aware of].

When I decided she wasn't properly paying me for the class, I was having a difficult time getting in touch with her to talk about it. I left her a long, stern voicemail saying that sometimes she didn't always understand the value of money, & I had wished she had thought of what it would have meant to me if she made more of an effort to try & get the cash to me in a more timely manner while visiting Martha's Vineyard. I wasn't yelling, but I was probably being condescending. She flipped a s^%*, was deeply hurt, & totally missed the point. A month later I still don't have a check, but I did get a Burberry bag for my birthday haha? I mean, amazing gift, I can't tell you how grateful I am for it, buuuut....

Now I feel like I'm in a similar situation again with this wedding deal. I don't want to be accused of being a bad friend by asking her to not have her dream wedding on account of me. At the same time, I think she & her fiance are being incredibly insensitive to their guests, who may not necessarily be as rich as them, by requiring everyone to spend upwards $1300 on attending their wedding.

Don't get me wrong, I want to be the maid of honor. I love this girl with all my heart, I swear I'd marry her if he didn't.... & I'll still be the maid of honor anyway if they keep the Ireland plans, but good god.....I'm so god damn poor.

How do I have this conversation with her without hurting her feelings AGAIN? What on earth should I do?

Well if you can't afford it, you just can't afford it. Honestly, if I were to get married in a foreign country, I wouldn't expect that everyone could come. Not everyone is financially able to just up and do what they want. As hard as it is, just tell her. Make sure she knows that you are so proud and thankful that she would ask you to be her maid of honor. If you could afford to go with her, you would but its just not something you can do right now. If she gets mad, then oh well. She should be understanding. She'll get over it.