[Yoda]

My parents divorced when I was 5 y/o. I visited my biological dad during summer & Christmas break. Things were okay; not great, not terrible. My dad has always been a selfish person. Whatever, I can't change him.

During the past month or so I have talked to him twice. I mentioned I had left voicemails on his work cell phone. He told me he has three months of vacation saved and is using some of it. LIE.

My half brother told his mom that our dad has been laid off at work. His mom told my aunt. Who told my mom. Who told me.

That isn't a big problem for my dad as he is 74 y/o with a nice retirement plan.

So I am wondering why he is being deceptive. It is likely his current wife (wife #5) told my brother. My dad usually comes to my farm to hunt deer during Thanksgiving. If he doesn't want to come fine. I asked if he is coming to hunt this year and he says he is undecided. I would be relieved if he and my brother and brother-in-law do NOT come because it is a lot of work to clean the house and cook their meals for several days.

So should I keep pretending I don't know he isn't working? I wonder if he feels he would be obliged to visit if I knew he is not working. Or something else... He is strange.

[billieJ]

Dear Yoda,

I know what a problem it can be to clean up and cook during family visits, so I know you will be partially relieved if your Dad doesn't come. That usually comes with mixed emotions. Perhaps you Dad lied because "white lies" have become somewhat habitual to put himself in a better light in the eyes of someone he loves. Perhaps he thinks you would think less of him if you knew he wasn't working, for some reason, even though nothing may be further from the truth. Perhaps he doesn't even know why. I know you have probably forgiven your Dad. It's the only thing to do, for your own peace of mind, not his. These things all pass. Blessings On You ~ billieJ

[theotterone]

How frustrating. I know it was hard for me to recognize my parents are human and make mistakes. On the flip side, I have never had to deal with manipulation and lying so much since I met my FIL.

He has moved in and has been trying to maneuver within my husband's and my relationship and the family power structure. What gets me is he says "I wasn't always this manipulative <explitive> until I was with <soon to be ex wife #3> and her family." He doesn't realize how close I am to my mother in law (his first ex wife) and that I know the details of their relationship. He was just as manipulative then as now. I understand he is having a hard time starting over right now, but boy has our stress level gone up!

If it is little stuff, try to ignore it. If it's bigger stuff, then confront him. Don't rely on 2nd (or 3rd or 4th) hand knowledge.

[Perna]

It wasn't clear to me what your father's circumstances were; a lot of people are temporarily laid off and using up vacation time until the economy gets going well again so I don't know if his job was eliminated or he could be doing something else, asked to not show up for a few months. I went to the library today and there was a sign on their door that they would be closed next Wednesday because of the economy, just that one day; businesses are doing all sorts of arrangements trying to stay afloat until things get better.

If he doesn't know whether he's coming to hunt or not, I'd get matter-of-fact on him and tell him to let you know by X date or you'll assume he's not coming as you have planning to do. Don't worry about him and his situation, that's his problem; worry about what you want and are planning and if you really don't want the hassle, make up your own "lies" and say you're not doing as big a holiday this year because of the cost and hassle.